I thought for sure this was my month. I thought it from the DAY that I ovulated.  I was scared to be confident or cocky about it, but I thought for sure.  My hormone levels were great, I thought.  Although, it would have been nice to be able to get some information regarding the Estradiol patch and how it would affect the numbers since it was the first time that I wore it.  It's hard to imagine that .05 mg/day for 3 days would raise my levels from 95 to 340 without a little miracle in there.

I want to be strong! I want to be accepting of God's plan for me. I feel like a hypocrite. I am just so sad and I don't know what to do. I didn't tell anyone (except my cyber friends) so now, there is no one to share in the grief with me. I don't want to be sad. I want to be okay. I want to be pregnant. I didn't want to cry.  I didn't want to test.

But I read some stupid posts on twoweekwait.com about symptoms and a couple of them talked about bloody noses and sinus trouble, which I had out of the blue for the last two days, so it gave me renewed hope and I tested.  

Da**, why couldn't I have been stronger? I told myself that I wasn't going to test - I even told DH that I wasn't going to test.  Why am I so weak? Why can't I stay off the Internet? I am great about advising other folks to stay off it and to ignore what they read, but I can't.

This *****!!

              Estrogen Progesterone
Day 3 3.2
Day 14 6.5
Day 17 6
Day 18 10.6
Day 19 14.4
Day 22 32.3
Day 25 7 5.8
Day 27 9.4 12.7
Day 29 8.3 17.8
Day 31 13.8 22.5
Day 33 12.8 20.2

I guess the results of yesterday's Estradiol and Progesterone will be telling today - my temp dropped (I searched past charts and it never did this before) - could be implantation dip or could be the start of the end.  I feel awful - I have borderline nauseau (not the kind that causes me to want to lay on the cold bathroom floor, but the kind that makes me not want to eat anything...), my stomach feels weird - something between cramps and the feeling that I have done 100 situps, my temp is up to 99 during the day (NEVER before, but I know that it's only the BBT that counts - but I am sleeping with a room air conditioner and last night, I had trouble staying asleep - could that be the cause for the drop?), my bbs are definitely fuller, but not sore at all.  But with my progesterone at 17 the other day - they wouldn't be yet!

TMI AHEAD - last night, DH and I bd'd for the fun of it, but things were a little 'dry' to start - when we were done, I went potty to clear myself of 'him' and wiped blood - could it have been a small tear? or could it have been a '******' effect of some implantation?  See? I take over-analyzation to a whole new playing field!!!

Typically, as I have stated before, I am convinced that it ISN'T my month - this time I won't believe it until AF comes!  I feel pregnant and that's got a lot of potential for disaster!

If the blood results come in higher, I will remain optimistic, but if they are lower - I know it's over and that is the one REALLY nice thing about the constant b/w - I can see the trend for myself right away!!

Dear God, please grant me my dream this month.  See it in Your plans for me - grant me the chance to be pregnant and raise a baby in Your love and to Your calling.  Amen!

It's going to be a hard tww this time and I am already one week through it.  For the last few months, I have 'known' or 'felt' that bd'ing didn't take and that I wouldn't be getting my BFP - it some ways, it made the arrival of AF easier to handle.  But something was different this month....could it be that I had a strong ovulation after being told that I probably wouldn't ovulate? Did that do something to my psyche to change my outlook this time? I don't know - but I truly have felt different, both physically and mentally this time.  I am praying for my BFP so hard.....my birthday is on June 27th and I so desperately wanted to be pregnant by the time that I was 37; I know that's silly, but it would be nice to be able to have!  I also know that I need to back off and let God work His wonders and miracles and that I need to let go, but how much harder is that to do for something that you so desperately want???

If I don't get my BFP, I am going to be crushed this time - I know it, but I also know that I am on the right path and if this path doesn't lead to pregnancy then it was never meant to be and that is God's will and right.