Ok I think I'm finally ready.  I saw a commercial for www.turntohelp.com and went to the sight and got some information and doctor contacts.  I think I'll make some calls today.  I am so tired of the lying, obsession, pill counting, cravings, dreaded "run out" and panic.  This secret from my hubby and family is eating me alive.  Along with the guilt.  I can't even get through the work day without my "fix" then I have to have my second and sometimes third fix as soon as I get home so I can feel halfway normal and energized to be a wife and mom.  I am overwhelmed with shame.  So, I printed a list of doctors from the webiste and plan on making a couple calls today.  Wish me luck.  This would be a good birthday present to myself and a great way to kick-off my vacation in a couple weeks.  I just need to actually do it!!!!

Today I am angry at myself for not having the strength to quit!  I want to quit taking these damn pills that are running my life.  All I do is obsess about them rather I'm counting them to be sure I have enough to get me through or I'm searching for my next fix or I'm trying to get the funds so I can make my next purchase.  Ugh!  And last night I got in a screaming match with my hubby who doesn't know I'm addicted.  It was a big ugly fight that resulted in us sleeping in different bedrooms.  I said some horrible hurtful things and I wish I could undo it all and take back everything I said.  In all honesty he was in a grumpy mood after work and I think that's what started it but he works so hard and just like everyone else, he deserves to have a bad day and be in pissy mood post work.  I should have just let it go rather than totally over reacting.  Ugh!  I wish my life had a delete or undo button.  I'm such a jerk.  I want to be done with this.  I have a huge famly trip this coming weekend and I don't want to go through w/d during that yet I also have a big Europe vacation at the end of next month.  I need to quit before to give my body time to adjust or make sure I have enough pills to get me through while I'm there.  I hate this and I'm beginning to hate myself.  I reached out to one doc online and requested an appointment (even gave my insurance info) but I never heard back.  I tried twice more but nothing.  I'm too scared to just call their office.  Oh I wish I had the strength and courage to quit.  I want to quit before it's too late and I ruin my marriage, lose my job or hate myself so much I do something stupid.  

Why can't I get a hold of this addiction?  I want to stop it from taking over my life and bringing me so much pain and anxiety.  Life was fine pre-pills yet now I can't imagine life without them.  I want to stop, I need to stop.  AHHHH!

Wow this addiction stinks!  It has a hold of me so tight, I just can't seem to get free.  I'm beginning to hate myself and who I've become.  Why do I need these damn pills to get through the day and feel ok or "normal?"  I'm living a lie.  I want to be done, I want to be free.  I want to be myself again.