A couple of weeks ago, I had a media day. I was on Good Morning America to talk about my stint that evening on Dancing With The Stars. It was kind of a strange day for an academic-- but I enjoyed it.  The rather risky thing I was doing  was predicting which DWTS couples would work best as a team , given how they did on a compatibility questionnaire I designed for Perfectmatch.com and converted into a non romantic test for working well with one another in any situation--in this case, dancing.

  I received each star's answers, and then predicted how well each couple would do, without knowing anything about their talent since they had not performed yet. So far, the test is holding up pretty well.  The people I thought would not work well together have not; the people I thought would be a good team are doing well. Of course talent is no small part of this so it will be interesting to see how well my predictions hold up.

The whole exercise, however, got me thinking: how much of any kind of compatibility is replicated in romantic relationships?   Can we tell much about who we should try and make a committed romantic bond with from who we work well with, or who have been our closest friendships in the past?  I have come to the conclusion that we might be better off in our love relationships if we did in fact use our other kinds of successful relationships as a guide.  

The problem though is that when we link up with romantic partners we often ignore every other kind of compatibility except sexual attraction.  Who knows what constructs chemistry between two people, for example why are some of us attracted to people like the people we have grown up with while others of us are looking for the exotic, the different, and the unknown?  Why do some people like dark good looks and others , only light?  It's not possible to predict who a baby will hanker for twenty years later... but it might be possible to know something about who he or she will be compatible with once a stable personality has been formed.

   In Duet, the Total Compatibility System I designed for HYPERLINK "http://perfectmatch.com" \nperfectmatch.com I pulled together eight of what I felt were the most important characteristics that helped ( or hindered) maintaining a happy relationship. Given the time people will give an internet test I couldn't put in every characteristic that might be important, and so it is not a  complete list of everything that is important in a relationship. But I am surprised how well it works. People find out about their own personality profile, someone else's, and then decide for themselves if they want someone who is the same as they are, or different in specific ways that might help balance the relationship.  Self knowledge is the first important step, then reviewing personal history to see how these various aspects of yourself have worked to strengthen, or diminish , past loves.

    I looked at impulsivity ( risk taking or risk aversiveness), level of energy ( A or B types) outlook ( optimism versus caution ) and lifestyle ( change and variety versus predictability)  These are areas where , in general, similarity helps.

    I also ask questions about whether or not someone is a perfectionist and has strong opinions or whether someone is flexible and as likely to go one way or another( structured versus flexible), leadership and dominance versus a more collaborative nature, temperament ( passionate or calm) and style of emotional self nurturance ( introversion or extraversion)  These characteristics can often work best when they are complementary rather than similar.

   On the net people can choose to meet a date based on these characteristics, or based on attraction to a picture and description or a mix of all the information available. People differ, of course, about which tools they will use to find their one and only, but the process has fascinated me from the very first time I started being involved in the dating ******* world.  After observing it all for years, and dating myself for awhile in the same manner, I have actually come to the conclusion that dating this way is superior to the old fashioned way of meeting someone at a dance, or party or some other chance happening.  I believe that knowing who you might be compatible with , and not just who you are instantly attracted to, is a huge advantage...if someone uses all the information available to them from the start.

   I know this flies in the face of the mystique of two strangers, seeing each other across the room, instantly knowing that they have met " the One". It's not that I dismiss that as impossible: there are too many stories of just that happening to discount it happening. Still, I wonder how many people who have met that way stay together, as opposed to the people who start out knowing how compatible they are likely to be.  I vote for the addition of compatibility information before one is entangled with someone else based on physical attraction alone.  Call me unromantic , but I believe in science plus hormones rather than hormones alone.

    The ability to have great Teamwork is critical- and it is important whether you are planning a life together--- or maybe just a dance.

Pepper

     WomanSage is an interesting phenonmena that is emblematic of the time we live in. It is a large group of mostly middle aged women in southern California, gathered together for wisdom, solace, community, fun and hope.  There is a meeting of the clan every year and that's where I met them--as their speaker about my book Prime: Adventures and advice about sex, love and the sensual years.  

     The group gathers for inspiration, for practical skills and most of all for fellowship and support. Many of the sessions are practical ( dressing for success, entrepreneurship pep talks and tips, communication skills, etc). Others are inspirational and supportive, such as no holds barred confessionals about the darkest days of one's life, and how, and if, they survived it. Women share the most amazing, heart wrenching stories in these sessions. Some of them have lost everything- jobs, money, husbands , even children. Womansage has a fund for some of these unfortunate ladies: a mentoring program that helps them get back their self esteem, gives them new skills, even a professional wardrobe.

    There is an award dinner, praising  excellence in various sectors of professional and volunteer life and the two day event never fails to be touching, relevant, and uplifting. Into all of this, I come with a sex lecture. But it didn't feel marginal- I felt reminded how important a piece of the overall puzzle, sex really is.

     My pitch, when all is said and done, is not to lose your sexuality, to not give up on romance, and to think of your sexuality as a treasure and part of your overall mental and physical health. I see the women in the audience who have retained their sexuality--and they usually have retained their overall spunk, optimism and happiness.  The ones who have given up on sex or been crushed by romantic losses, show it.  When they listen to me , or to each other, and decide to try again, their whole body language changes. Their face looks different. It is exciting to see them take back one more piece of the things that used to matter to them.

    I think WomanSage was worried when they invited me to speak. They didn't want to offend conservative members of their audience--some of these women don't think sex is a polite word or concept. But the leadership of the group embraced me afterwards, as did the audience. Bathed in the warm glow of female friendship, they took in one more piece of advice and comfort, and really listened to my message. For some of them, the solace of sex was an old and precious friend. For others , a memory, and still others a frightening experience they were cautious about revisiting. But I would say overall, they listened, and along with the other valuable messages they were taking in, accepted mine.

   I was stirred by their courage and openness. I felt I had added something to the rich mix they were recieving that whole day.  I wish every city had a group like this. Women, especially women in the second half of life, profit from the honesty and information we can give each other. We have lots of friends and communal activities when we are in school, when we are in the early stages of our careers. But sometimes in the second half of life we get atomized- segregated by the long years of child rearing and slogging through our careers. At the end of even in the middle of all this, we need to come together and regenerate and heal and grow. I was privledged to watch some of that happen at the WomanSage meeting. I was privledged to feel part of the process.

A very distressing headline came out during the last couple of days.  The Centers for Disease Control reported that the teen birth rate rose for the first time in 14 years. The report shows that between 2005 and 2006 the birth rate for teens 15-19 went from 40.5 births per thousand  to 41.9. This isn't it's all time peak- that was 61.8 in 1991, but it was a reverse of a trend and it is unclear if this is just the beginning of a major change in direction, or just a blip in an otherwise improving situation. Perhaps more clear, the study showed that unmarried childbearing in general reached a new record high in 2006. The total number of births to unmarried mothers rose nearly 8 per cent (1,641,700 women)  in 2006 which was a 20 per cent increase from 2002, when demographers believe the increase in having children out of wedlock became noticeably larger.

   What bothered me, besides the obvious problems this presents for the young mothers, fathers and society in general, is the reaction to the information.  The immediate response of conservative groups was that these increases " represented the total failure of comprehensive sex education." What?? I could barely believe what I was reading.  Surely, an increase in teen pregnancy and single motherhood is reflective of a number of social and cultural conditions-not just abstinence or sex education. But it was clear to me when I started reading the immediate flurry of critical comments , that conservatives were using this data for moral commentary on comprehensive sex education and contraceptive advice when just recently, when the figures were going in the other direction, they were taking credit for it because abstinence education was supposedly so effective!!

   They can't have it both ways of course. Even if they want to try. Most of us have a little bit of a memory and we have noted that a billion dollars have been spent on abstinence education in the last few years by the government, and damn little on sex education that includes information on condoms and their correct use. All but fourteen states accept money from the government that mandates nothing but abstinence information. If they wanted a test of how well it works, the promoters could read the evaluation research that says it has little or no impact except perhaps in the short run. But if they don't like the evaluation studies they should certaintly look at these new figures and be a bit taken aback.  Don't they want to think about why abstinence education has been more heavily supported now in the United States than  eight years ago, and eight years ago, we had declining teenage pregnancy?

    As I said, I think there are a lot of reasons for teen pregnancy. Some may have nothing to do with education; it may have to do with the economy and goals that are now impossible when jobs are more scarce, educational loans unavailable, or condoms too expensive when budgets are pinched.  Nonetheles, it can't help when we know that almost all abstinence pledges are broken and there is no knowledge given to young people to help them protect themselves and access to condoms and other kinds of contraceptives is limited or considered too embarassing or morally wrong to use.  

    We need to protect our youth.  Some women in their twenties may also be having babies through unintended pregnancies, and that is something I care about and want to help avoid. But it is particularly painful to think of teenagers ill equipped to even take care of their own needs, suddenly burdened with the responsibility of another life.  I know that many of these teens could have benefited from comprehensive sex educations that made them  know how to protect themselves-- and feel good about doing so.  For me, these statistics are a wake up call for the responsible majority that knows how important comprehensive sex education is , to make sure it is funded and to stop funding abstinence only education. It is time also, to make sure that condoms and other contraceptive choices are made available to young people in a way that is private and respectful to young sensibilities sothat they will feel empowered to use guard against pregnancy and disease.  I don't think this is the entire answer to teenage pregnancy or unintended pregnancies in adult single women-- but I think it is an important part of a caring and knowledgable response to the  problem.  

Pepper