I'm not sure what to do at this point.  No's sleeping pretty good right now - he goes down around 8:00 p.m.  The problem is that he usually wakes up around 3:30 a.m., drinks a bottle and then wants to stay up!  Is that normal?  I mean it seems to me that it would be since he slept 7 1/2 hours but poor mommy's really dragging at that time!  If he just got up, ate & went right down for another hour or two would be great but my son wants to keep up his partyin' ways, bless his heart (or mine!).  I don't know - should I put him back in bed anyway & just let him play and not encourage him or do I just let him stay up and tire himself out.  I've tried it both ways...I thought by putting him straight back to his crib after eating would teach him (ha, ha) that it's too early to party but all he really does is just play in his crib.  I don't turn his mobile on thinking that I don't want to get him even more stimulated.  I should just post this on the forum but I get to write and write about it more in my journal.  Anyone reading this - any thoughts?

The damned surgery's over with and i can't say how glad I am that I actually listened to dh (for once!) and took his advice.  It was pretty painful but I trudged through it.  Noah goes for his 4 month appt tomorrow - am looking forward to seeing how much he weighs, the check-up, etc.  I was re-reading some of my old journal entries and they make me kinda sad.  It seems to me that all I did was whine and ***** about being tired - gosh that sure gets old.  Now there have been several women in my circle who've lost babies through early & late miscarriages and one had a stillborn.  That night i took No-No out of his crib and held him for about three hours straight trying to imprint his little body onto mine.  It has finally occurred to me that he won't be this size much longer - with having older children, you would've thought I'd have gotten this fact straight sooner rather than later.  Actually I knew that but hearing and grieving about these losses.......I wrote about this in No-No's blog on babysites - made me feel better.

My weight gain or rather loss - I've lost 5 pounds which I'm so happy about but have many more to go.  Just cutting back on portions has helped so much plus cutting out some starches makes me not feel so tired - does that even make any sense?  I hope to continue this road - my dh tells me that weight taken off slowly is more likely to stay off than rapid weight loss.  I'd love to just go gangbusters but that damned common sense says he may be right......

Well, here I am sitting in the dark w/my 2 month old baby & it's 11:50 p.m.  He got up to eat & now he wants to P-A-R-T-A-Y!!!  OMG,  what the heck, Noah?  This child was up nearly 12 hours w/hardly a nap and now he's up AGAIN and doesn't want to sleep??  I was thinking today, "Well at least Noah does pretty well at night.  He's in a routine of one to two feedings & is drinking 6 oz. per feeding.  Oh, was I wrong to think this - I jinxed myself!!  How typical.  Why oh why do I do this?  I should just stop thinking kind of ultimatums or assumptions.  

Wade (dh) has a horrible time hearing him cry.  He never gets that first feeding which is fine most of the time but what ***** is when he misses the 2nd one.  Last night I told him that he HAD to sleep on the couch w/the baby monitor up full blast so he'd hear the baby & I wouldn't.  Of course that didn't work.  It should have - but I didn't count on him and was up every few hours to make sure he heard the baby.  When I complained that I was having a hard time waking him up, he bought me a spray bottle & told me to spray him in the face.  For a long time I was afraid to as I was worried he would take a swing at me when I got him.  Well, I finally got so sick of shaking and yelling at him that I decided to give it a try.  The first time I accidentally had the thing set at 'jet stream' & it got him right in the eye!  I didn't feel too sorry for him (maybe slightly).  The next time I sprayed him, it worked but tonight when I needed him, I sprayed him TWICE & neither time worked.  WTF???  I'm so frustrated w/him or at least this part.  I'm sick to death of him telling me before we go to bed, "Hey hon if the baby wakes up and you're too tired to deal w/him, wake me up and I'll take care of him."  FAT CHANCE!!

Sometimes I feel like I'm raising this baby by myself.  I know it's not true but this week has been especially bad.  I've had to do my own work at home w/the baby w/out any help.  Most of the time I can do it but this week has been terrible.  Noah hasn't taken any decent naps so I could get things done or even catch a nap & Wade's work schedule at the pharmacy have been ridiculous.  He's been out of the house by 7:20 in the morning and not home (not counting lunch) until after 8:30 p.m.  I've been used to this kind of thing before (especially w/X) but I don't want to go throug it again!!  Is that so wrong?  Next week will be better.  We really need to get some kind of childcare a couple times a week so I can get my own work done in a timely manner

For the love of God, I had to listen to my step-dad once more expound on his views - both politics and religon.  And being him (or is it because he's so darned conservative?), he completely takes his views as God-given and to heck to anyone else who dares to feel differently.  I get so sick of listening to him that tonight as he was blabbing again about how science is "politicized" (is there such a word even?), I said I was sick to death about how religon was done the same way.  He then started stammering something about the Constitution being based on Judeo-Christian laws - what the heck does THAT have anything to do w/it - and therefore.....Therefore WHAT??  He couldn't go or elaborate any further - it's like he made that statement and expected me to buy into 'it' - whatever that is.  He couldn't get any less clear.  I think it's ridiculous that most Christians that I know or have talked to are conservative politically.  I don't understand it.  And what's more ridiculous or awful is that if you don't agree w/them, you're not allowed to say anything; yet, they get to talk a mile a minute about what they think.  It's so unfair and worse, ANNOYING!

Why can't there be any give and take and why oh why because I'm a Christian that I have to think as they do?  If I was ever honest w/people here in my town that I was - A:  prochoice  B:  pro-gay rights - mainly in other words socially liberal.  Yet I tend to be more fiscally conservative.  I just want to think for myself!!  I don't wanna go to church and get literature on the stupid Christian Coalition!!!  I don't want to hear the pastor talk about something he has no knowledge of and frankly be judgemental as hell!!!  One time I was called by our children's pastor many moons ago after I had my 1st baby & he asked me to say special prayers for all of the babies that were murdered.  WHAT??  I got angry and told him I was doing no such thing - what about the mommies that felt they had no other choice than to abort?  What about them?  What about all of the babies that were miscarried?  What about my own baby that I lost in miscarriage.  

When I was 19, I got pg.  It was terrible and sad and really awful because I let my parents down and more importantly I let myself down.  I chose not to abort (I ended up miscarrying anyway) but that's it:  I HAD A CHOICE!!  I so protect women to have that choice.  I think the government need to STAY OUT OF THEIR BUSINESS!!  I feel it's a moral decision - not a legal one.  

Someday I'm going to stand up to my step-dad and friggin' blast him.  I know I really won't but I like to pretend.  The only reason I keep my mouth shut is out of respect to my mother.  I would never have stayed this quiet w/my own father.  What would I say if I could:  "Listen you old coot:  you think drug addicts have poor character, that women's rights should be taken away and that gay people basically have no place in our society & yet you call yourself a Christian.  What would Jesus say?  Did you know he was a liberal in his time?"  I'm sure he'd have a lot of answers - I wouldn't agree with them but I'm not allowed to say.  This forum is where I get to be brutally honest.

This journal entry just expresses my feelings about having to pretend or not express myself.  Sometimes when one is quiet, the other person assumes that he agrees with him.  I get sick to death of that!  I don't mind listening to other people until they get obnoxious and disrespectful - I just want the same right, darn it!!

I hope nobody replies to this and maybe I shouldn't express myself at the risk of getting people riled up but now I feel better.  Maybe my blood pressure's down or I'll be a more calm person and better able to make sound decisions.  Less passionate but as my husband's fond of saying:  "Life without passion is a life not worth living."  I try to live my life by those words.  He's right.  Okay now before I veer off the path, someday, Jim (step-dad's name), someday.......