Yesterday I felt like I was waiting for something else all day.  I was in kind of a weird place.  Today I’m kinda tired, but I’m ok.  I think I feel bad, because my hair is oily today.  I wish I could take a nap.  I feel like my recovery isn’t progressing well, I am doing what I’m supposed to be doing, but I just feel like something is missing.  I’m afraid I’m letting Robert make me happy, but I don’t know how to stop, and I don’t want to stop.  I need to quit putting all my eggs in one basket, but it’s so hard to not let my thoughts run away with him.  Almost everytime I close my eyes he is there.  I know he’s just a person, but he is everything I never knew I wanted in a guy.  He’s Amazing.  I wish I could say that I haven’t felt this way before, but I have, there all amazing at first.  I need to quit putting him on a pedestal, he’s just a person, and we’ve only been dating for a little over a month.  I need to remember that, and stay grounded somehow.  Anyway I was working on my life story (against the advice of my sponsor) and I realized it was absolutely FULL of self-pity.  I don’t know if exploring that pain is healthy for me or not.  I mean I am really tired, I hope to God I’m not regressing into those old thinking patterns and behaviors, because that sickness is not where I’m at today.  I’m happy, and grateful today in a lot of areas of my life, most all of them actually.  I prayed this morning, and asked God to free me from the bondage of self, so that I may better do His will.  I need to trust Him more, what happened to me?  Why have I been down lately?  Maybe this relationship with Robert is giving me more anxiety than I’m willing to let on.  My old behavior of ‘not getting my hopes up’ or unconscientiously sabatoging my relationship hasn’t been completely removed yet, I’m sad to say.   I’m truly truly in love with him.  He is absolutely so much more than I ever expected to find in one person.  I enjoy every second that I’m with him or talking to him.  Every email, every text fills my heart with joy.  I want so much more of him, I want to make love to him, I want to know all about his life, I want him to hang out at my house.  I just want him in so many ways, and maybe I get sad because I’m not getting things ‘My’ way.  But I don’t want things my way anymore, my ways suck, are broken and misguided.  God please guide me now, help me to find a true happiness in my heart, true serenity, true compassion for others.  Help me to want to be a more caring, loving, attentive mother.  Help me have the drive to continue to pursue and accomplish goals for myself.  Help me to grow, so that I may be there for others in need.  Let me get out of my own way for the rest of today, and let god have precedence in my mind.  I want to let God think my thoughts until Jennifer learns how to think right.  I want to let God feel my feelings, until Jennifer can stay more in the solution than in the problem.

So I stopped by Charlie’s last night on my way to a meeting.  I’m not sure why, I guess I was hoping that we could just have sex, but that isn’t going to be the case.  He was trembling, telling me how much he missed me, and that he was doing better. He told me he never loved anyone like this, and he’s never hurt so bad in his life.   He told me to call him if I needed anything.  I ended up telling him no, that I needed to be alone for awhile, but I gave him my number, and kissed him.  I do miss him.  I don’t want to fall back into this relationship, and I know it could be so easy for me to do so.  I guess I just felt bad about flirting, (sex talk) with Michael from work, whose married.  On another note, I found out Nick threw his progress report away instead of letting me see it.  I’m so goddamned angry about that, I want to knock the **** out of him.  I’m at the end of my rope, nothing works with that kid.  He doesn’t improve.  I’m tired of trying, and getting angry.  Anger eats at my soul, right now it’s got me so depressed, I keep tearing up at work.  I wish there was an answer.  I feel guilty when I ground him, because I don’t want him to grow up like me, depressed and isolated like me.   Why does he ******* lie to me all the time.  I guess the issue is control, I feel like I have no control of him.  It sucks, and it’s so hard.  Nothing I’ve done has worked with his lying.  He lies, manipulates me, constantly.  Usually the first thing out of his godamned mouth is a lie.  I’m starting to really resent him for it, because it releases this crazy angry person inside me that I hate, and it ***** with my peace of mind.  Being a mom is so hard, sometimes,  I wish that I didn’t have kids, so I could just give up.  Life is hard, and it sucks so much sometimes.  I wish I could have a positive outlook, but it seems like nothing I do is ever enough.  And now I have this ******* cancer scare to worry about also.  I hate my life sometimes, and it’s all my fault every ******* bit of it.  I wish I would have done things different.  I wish I felt complete, and whole w/out drugs.  I’m just so sick and tired of my life right now.  I wish I had the strength to carry on, but right now, I just don’t give a **** about anything.  Why does that little **** do this to me.  I’m serious I just feel like saying **** it all.  Why does he do this to me?  I wish that people in the program called me every once in awhile, but they don’t my ******* phone never rings, my own family hardly ever calls me.  I’m jealous of everyone it seems.  It seems like everyone has it more together than me, Why do I always have to be so ****** up.  It seems like as soon as I take a step forward, my stagnancy catches up with me, and my effort is wasted.  I’m tired right now, I just want to beat the **** out of someone, and hurt people.  But really I’m hurting, and it seems like noone really gives a ****.  And why would they?  Everyone has their own problems to worry about, and a lot of their problems are way more significant than mine.  I know I need help, I need to reach out, but nobody really cares anyway, and I would just be intruding on them. I’d be forcing them to tell me they care when they don’t.  I don’t want a bunch of fake ******** in my life. I hate lies and fakeness.    I don’t want to work, I don’t want to dress up, I don’t want to pursue anymore ****** up relationships.  It just seems like I’ve wasted my whole life.  I give up.  I’m sick of all of this ******* ****.  **** it All!  Now I’m feeling sorry for myself, poor me.  I wish someone loved me truly, and truly cared.  I wish I had someone that really wanted to listen to me and help me.  Nobody ******* cares. I’m alone.  I’m just want to cry and stay in bed all day, and give up.  Nobody at NA gives a **** about me, they probly think I’m just some little tramp.  I don’t know if I can do this or not, I don’t know if I want to.  I hate myself. I hate my boss, I hate my friends for not loving me.  It seems like I have to **** someone to get them to love me.  I can’t believe Nick did that, why did he think he would get away with that ****.  I’m so disappointed in him, and I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him.  He’s a ******* liar.  A lazy little ******* liar.  See no wonder nobody cares about me.  Life sux, it’s just too godamned hard.  I’m so angry I just want to hurt someone.  Mike myspace messaged me again, after I blocked him.  God he makes me sick, why won’t he just leave me alone.  I wish I could forget that I ever met him.   He’s nasty.  I know who am I to say that?  But sexually he’s very ******* weird, and I don’t like it, and no amount of showers will erase the memories.  I guess I’m gonna have a ****** up day.  I want to hurt Mike, I want to call him and tell him to never message me or call me again, but I won’t.  I’m supposed to meet with Valerie today, watch that’s probly going to get ****** up again too somehow.  I hate everything!  God I can’t seem to drag myself out of this ****.  Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to.  Sometimes, I get so damned sick of pretending I’m ok, and everythings wonderful.  I’m never ok, I’m always uncomfortable in my own skin.  Being alive really sucks most of the time, and it’s all my own damned fault.. but I have resentments against other people also.  My parents for example.  I always thought I was doing a better job, but am i?  no. I am not.  I’m tired, my back hurts and life sucks big dicks.  It’s just that sometimes, it just feels like it’s not ******* worth it.  Espcially if I have cancer again.  God please help me, love me, hold me, take away my lonliness and my fear.  Please help me not hurt anyone today.  I feel invisible.  My back really does hurt, and I miss my Grandma.  I know she loved me.  I know my mom does too, and my siblings and my kids.. And maybe even some of my friends.  And God, does He love me?  Yes I think he does.   Maybe I’m just a ******* drama queen, and I’m sitting here at my desk crying because I want attention, I know deep inside that’s it’s at least part of it.  I’m creating reasons to be sad, so I’ll have to reach out, so I know people care about me. Guess I’m a big attention junkie.  I’m a yuckie, jealous, angry, sick, insecure person, I don’t like me. And my back really does hurt, right in between my shoulder blades.   I wonder if these NA people are full of ****.. they’ve all found the key to peace and serenity.  People spend their whole lives searching for that and never finding it.  I’m hungry, but I don’t want to eat, I just want to smoke, or curl up in a ball and bawl all day.  I’m so mad at nick.  I love him so much, I try to do so much for my kids, doesn’t he even give a **** about me?  Why does he lie to me, when I’ve shown him how much it hurts and angers me.  He’s seen me beg, cry, scream, hit, all over his lying.  I’ve made him write essays, gronded him, begged him, talked seriously to him.  Nothing ever ******* works cos he doesn’t give a ****.  All he cares about is himself.  Damn I can’t believe I just wrote that, that is defiantly something my mom would say.

How to be HAPPY

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Your future is full of promise. Things will turn out just fine. If anything bad happens, you will cope with it and you will find a way to learn from the experience. Look forward to the adventure.

2. Your present is interesting and engaging. We don't live in a vacuum. Everyone and everything within your grasp is your reality. Every thought and action embraces this reality.

3. Your past is alright. We all have highs and lows, joys and grief, pride and shame. All is all part of your story, all is part of who you are.

4. You can choose the life you want. You can find joy in what you have and change what you don’t like. It's exciting knowing you can do or be whatever your heart desires.

5. Your life is no accident. Your life has meaning. It might be charitable, it might be fast-paced, it might be intellectual, or it may be pared down. There's no need to explain or justify it. It is what it is and it just makes sense.

6. You are loved. Loneliness is a state of mind. Love is all around us.

7. You are okay. Just the way you are, warts and all. Look in the mirror and smile at yourself. See that joy reflected in the eyes of all those around you every day.

NINTH STEP PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

    We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

    We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

    We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

    No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

    That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

    We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

    Self-seeking will slip away.

    Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

    Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

    We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

    We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.