Okay, so I've been back on the continuous bc for a few weeks now...I'm getting fatter and fatter!  I don't remember the pill doing this to me when I took it before, but then again this is a different pill, one I'd never heard of before.  My Mom is trying to be supportive and we've started a diet together...we weighed this morning, she'd lost 3 pounds and I'd gained 3 pounds...I'm disgusted!  I've been eating these stupid Lean Cuisine and Health Choice meals all week instead of the stuff I really want and it's apparently done no good at all.  I think that my body rebels at the sound of the word diet.  We started last Monday and I've felt like I'm starving to death all day, every day since then.  Maybe I need to call it something other than a diet...any suggestions?  Maybe a "food reduction plan", I don't know but one thing is for sure a diet isn't working for me.  I suppose that if I got off my rump and did some exercise it would help the cause, I just don't have the energy right now.  Maybe in the days to come, warm weather is on it's way so I'll be able to get outside and move around a bit.

Went to the gyn/onc on Friday to discuss a hysterectomy.  When I gave them a list of my current meds they asked why I was taking Ativan and Klonipin...I told them about what was going on with Julie.  Dr. Donaldson said that I didn't need the added stress of having major surgery right now and needed to be able to focus on the issues with Julie.  He put me back on continuous bc since that kept my pain away before.  They put me on Lybrel, I'd never heard of it before, apparently it's relatively new.  He said the since it will keep my estrogen level down it will keep the adhesions from growing and should stop my pain.  I asked about he adhesion on the right ovary that is stuck to my colon and he told me that if I had even one sign that it was causing me a problem to call him and we'd revisit the idea of surgery.  He does agree with my RE that hysterectomy is iminent but with the bc we can put it off for a while.  This was my first visit to him and I really like him, he actually listens to me and that means a lot to me.  I have to go back in 6 months and we'll see how my pain is.  He told me to start them on the first Sunday of my next period, which happened to be yesterday...so, maybe just one more painful period...I can only hope.  I am having quite a bit of pain today but I'm dealing with it.

I had promised Julie a month ago that I would take her to the mall so she could buy some new clothes and without thinking about it being Easter Sunday had told her we'd go yesterday...it didn't happen and she was pretty disappointed.  We'd arranged for someone to come to the house at 4:30 yesterday to give us an estimate on a home security system so after church with the in-laws and dinner with my family we went home to wait....he never showed, apparently he'd forgotten, now he's coming tomorrow morning.  I don't know what else to do to make Julie feel safer, right now she's scared to be alone in her own home.  She had a big break down Friday night and cried a lot, we were up until after midnight with her, then I gave her a benadryl...my doc says that's the safest sleep aid to give her, and she was able to sleep.  I certainly don't want her to get dependent on any kind of drug, OTC or otherwise.  We're trying to deal with these issues through therapy and hypnosis and thus far it's working, she's feeling better.

So next Friday I see the gny/onc about a hysterectomy, it's not what I really want to do but it's either that or hurt all the time and I certainly can't take any more of this pain.  My RE referred me to him and he's supposed to be one of the best around.  I don't want just anyone fooling around with this, since I have that adhesion on my colon I want someone experienced with very steady and capable hands working on it.  I'm also guessing that I won't have the option of a vaginal hysterectomy due to the adhesions.  Good Lord, my belly is already ugly enough with all the little lap scars, stretch marks and flab from the weight I've gained and lost over the years...the last thing I need is a big 8inch incision on top of all of that.  In a perfect world this doctor would go ahead and remove some of that flab while he's at it, probably won't happen though.

I spent most of the day Saturday in tears, the pain was so bad and never went away, just came in waves for about 24 hours straight.  I took so many pills that I was completely loopy, but still hurt.  I guess it's time to bite the bullet and go ahead and have the hysterectomy...it's not what I want to do but I can't bear the pain anymore either.  Since the doc told me the other day that the endo is so bad I'll probably never be able to have anymore children I guess I figure there's no reason to keep all of this stuff that's just causing me pain.  Right now is a very bad time to have to go through that though, I have too many other things going on that require my attention...most of all I need to focus on Julie and getting her through this tough time.  Who knows what will happen with having to be in court and seeing lawyers, it's going to be a long drawn out process and she's my priority.

For those who think that I need to keep this journal strictly to talking about endo, don't read it anymore because I probably won't do that...I've written nothing that is derogatory and unacceptable, only my feelings...you can't judge those.