Everyone judges my side of the story because I'm 16 and living with my parents with a baby. So, I get that 100%!!! and I'm not proud of it.. But it's my life now. And I don't know what I can do about it.
My step dad and Riley's father basically got into a fist fight because of the way he was talking to [yelling at] me.... Joey [Riley's father] has told me time and time again that he is sick of hearing him talk to me that way.. and that he's going to kick his ***. I understand I don't help matters when I argue back but you can only handle so much of someone being a total ******* to everyone around for NO reason...
So then my mother pretty much snatches me by my hair, or tries to, because i'm flipping out and tells me i'm a selfish ***** and to get the **** out of her house.. then after the cops showed up YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE GET YOUR *** IN THE HOUSE. uhm.. well anyways, she says that Joey isn't allowed back here.. It's just a huge mess. So now I won't have her help, she's pissed off at me even though I'm not the one who faught him.. And Joey can't come over, so it's back to just me and Riley.. Which, whatever, that's fine..
She was the maddest at Joey because he called the cops... Rick hit Joey first and he's not 18. She said she knows how he is and she could have mentioned that we went through this once before with one of my older sister's boyfriends... That he got put in jail once. But that would have costed us hundreds of dollars to get him out and he's the only one with a job currently. So calling Joey a ********** for standing up for me?! She never did for years.. only when it got to it's worst points.
It's just like when I was younger and she was with my brother's dad and he used to yell at me all the time and scream and they always faught, it was always about me.. I guess I'm just really no good at getting along with people??! I don't know.. I'm too opinionated to let someone treat me or my family that way... I am not some pushover who will just roll over and take it and say "yes sir"
I'm sorry..
She's pissed off at my step dad too because she was going to leave him because of how he is, but she lost her job and now SHE'S stuck here, even though I can get out when I'm 18, which in turn makes her pissed off at me.. My sister and I have always tried to get her to leave him, for years and years... Not my fault she married the *******.
And I'm sorry I'm a "selfish *****."
My stomach hurts... ugh.
I just had to rant for a minute.
I'm sorry you had to read that...

I was already having a really good day. Riley's father took him for a long, long walk around town and to visit friends. He was really happy once he got back so that made my worrying worth it. Haha. And not to mention Riley has been sound asleep ever since.. Plus things between us are getting soo much better. He's being so good, and good to me. I think he's truly ready to change and grow up.

My article got published on that website that I submitted it to!!! I was a little shocked to see it there right on the front page with some of the most notorious writers on the site. So far I've got 53 comments and have yet to read them all. I am so thrilled about this. I even have a couple people asking me for help, and many thanking me and saying they are in the same situation. It is such a wonderful feeling. I am just overjoyed!!
The article is in my Journal -- The Invisible Girl.

Ohh it just makes me so happy to be able to touch someone's life even in the smallest little way. I can't write enough about how elated I am right now. Ahh.

So today things got to me. Thinking of everything and everyone around me.. I felt myself wanting to act how I did years ago and act out. But of course I didn't. I did, however have a regression of something I swore I wouldn't do and I'm so ashamed of myself... I'm just overall sad.. I know that I'm depressed but I, myself, can't really do anything about it. Unfortunately, I have to rely on other people :(  People I cannot count on.
I thought of suicide earlier. For the first time in a while. Not of actually going and doing it.. But like just thinking about it.. the impact it would have. How I'd do it.. What would happen.. But my mind told me I could never think that way because then look who Riley would be stuck with and how ****** he would grow up... He would eventually feel how I am feeling right now and my job now is to be strong enough for him to get through it. Make myself into a better person, for him.
I have someone who cares. It helps to know he does.. But he's hurt me so many times in the past I don't want to let him in. I don't want to cry to him. So I'm kind of a loner.
I have to now worry about my future, what the **** am I going to do? Drop out, get my GED? Continue on 3 more years of HS [since my mom helped me out a LOT in failing this year. I know that sounds stupid, but just trust me. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true] should I go into homeschooling? Look for a job? Go back to school? What about college? How could I EVER afford college? Who's going to watch Riley while I am at school? How am I going to afford a car and license to GET to school or move out? How will I finish school and where can I get a job around here, even if I do? What will I be? What kind of mom am I going to become? What if life gets the best of me and I turn out to be **** like my own mother? (assuming she had a head on her shoulders at some point in her life or another) What kind of life am I going to create for my son? Is he going to have all of the things I never did? Will I make the same mistakes my mother made? What should I be doing NOW to help me for LATER? Will I ever change my self-abusive behavior and find a better outlet for my feelings? Will I ever find help? Will I ever stop being depressed? Am I capable of caring for a child knowing I have the potential to get into that state of mind? Will either of my parents ever care? Who can I turn to?
What the hell am I going to do?
So overwhelming. I don't even know where to start.

So I decided to spread the good feelings today and post a journal.
I am feeling really good today. I'm in a good mood, and I feel more confident today.. Everyone always talks about "the first 6 weeks" and how it gets easier after that.. Well before I even noticed what today was, I was in a good mood. Feeling good, too. Riley is 6 weeks old today. :D I'm sure it has a lot to do with my mom (THANKFULLY!) Taking Riley for most of the day yesterday. She wanted to show him off to her friends I think. But I slept a lot. I was so happy when I got him back though I missed him. I got some well needed rest, got rid of my terrible migraine.. And the day before yesterday I finally started my exercise routine. Today I worked out some and walked 1.2 miles back from my Dr. office and had my first post-natal appointment. I got my birth control, in the meantime of my (hopeful) IUD, I am using the Nuva-Ring.
Kelsey is having a good day.

Riley is sooo sleepy though.. It's weird. He only sleeps on days I don't need the rest, it seems. Hah.
I think it may be from being out in the heat.. No idea.