All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

This I know

Jul 24, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

hurt

,

stopping and starting

,

new beginnings

,

faith

,

emotional rollercoaster

,

heartbreak

,

lost love

,

self doubting

,

sadness

,

Depression

,

Substance Abuse

,

Drug abuse

,

self worth

,

Love

,

loving an addict in denial



He is no good for me this I know. We were left in ruins. Now I'm digging in search of my former self. However, I keep getting side tracked in hopes that I'll find parts of us under all this rubble. I keep putting on the blinders but they are of no use if I wont keep them on. There are days where all I care about is seeing him, in my peripherals, when I look over my shoulder or even in my dreams. This is holding me back. This I know.  I pray and pray all time for a just cause, which sounds selfish, inappropriate and rude, oh well... I've been through a whorl wind of crap and I've been an amazing person to someone who I loved dearly! Although, it turns out that no matter how badly I wanted to help him, I had to let him help himself. I JUST WANT ASWERS SO BADLY!  I feel like I’m taking a test and I'm 100% positive I know the correct answer is B. but for some reason I keep marking A. WTF!  I hope you all know, no matter your situation,(addict, former addict, legal spouse, significant other, family member, or friend of an addict) that you are truly capable of finding your inner strength. Once you find it you’ll be able to do what’s best and act upon it! I can’t stress that enough.  I'd love nothing more than to know that anyone in a difficult situation could so easily remove themselves but it’s not that simple.  It took me 2 years to untangle the knot that had been strangling my head and my heart. I gave a very precious part of myself to another. I gently placed it in their hands, then stood back and just watched it fall apart.  Although, I’ve finally moved on physically my emotions are still lagging behind. However, I know they’ll catch up soon enough.  Eventually I’ll tire of dealing with the torment and heartbreak. I may not have the answers in which I’m looking for right now and no band-aid will fix this gaping wound in my heart.  All I know is this: I'm smart, I have a 4.0GPA, and I’m well educated. (Punctuation and formality are obviously not my strong suets) I laugh a lot; I smile at least once every day.  I'm always kind to people and it’s sincere. I'm good at my job and have a few very close and amazing friends. My family isn’t perfect but they have taught me well and my parents provided me with the very best. This I know and although there are still corners of my life that are covered in webs. They won’t go ignored. I simply haven’t been able to reach them but someday I’ll have the strength and courage to wipe there mess away. As long as I remind myself that my future is brihght and no matter how many running starts it may take me at least I'm in the process of  living a life that I know I'm worth. This I know.



And may my best friend and 1st love find his way.

Silly girl

Jul 21, 2012 - 2 comments
Tags:

Substance Abuse

,

codependent relationship

,

hurt

,

angry

,

guilty

,

emotional abuse

,

irrational thinking



I gave my ex my heart and soul.  I loved him more than myself and I knew better. The part that is so strange to me is that the majority of us are aware that we’re involved in an unhealthy relationship. We also have enough sense to know that we need to leave. However, instead of doing what is best for ourselves we continue to love our partners and willingly. Lastly, we have come to expect a certain amount of emotionally abuse. We can even justify every single reason we have for not leaving.  It’s nothing more than a codependent relationship whether we like it or not and it will just keep spinning round and round until someone finally stops the ride and gets off.  That’s the hard part. It is incredibly frustrating, sad, and unfair. It makes me so angry sometimes because I knew  I should’ve left a very long time ago but like others I couldn’t and to be honest I didn’t want to. Even now that it’s over I still catch myself thinking about how it used to be and wishing things hadn’t changed. I never imagined that if I left he wouldn’t fallow. Silly me, I thought if he loved me so much when I’m gone he’d miss me and soon enough he’d be there when I turned around but that’s just not the case.  In my head I knew better then to think he’d try and fight for me or our relationship. He never has so why would he start now?  I have a lot of regret but oddly enough loving him isn’t one of those things.  Number one regret was ignoring my intuition because I'm now suffering those consequences.