Jul 29, 2012
okay. im 19 years old, ima female. i've read quiet abit about boderline personality but im not sure if i have it. i dont want to see a doctor, id rather just ask people on the net. what made me think i have it? my moods. my intense feelings, my sensitivity & my personality pretty much.
i have been with my bf for a year. we were bestfriends for 2 years and we started dating. his the best thing in my life he treats me literally like a princess. & i treat him good too but i SNAP alot at him, sometimes he'll say something that he could've said a few days that i would feel normal about but in that "mood" im in, i get so angry at it. that i think to myself "wtf is wrong with you, its not a big deal" then i kind of feel pain in my chest area not really physical pain but kind of emotional pain because its like im fighting with myself to stop but i cant. & what hurts me is that he treats me so good yet the smallest comment will make me so angry/upset. theres alot of times this happend but lately it hasnt happened much unless we're talking on the phone. but in real life when isee him its been the best because we havent been seeing each other because of him working & stuff.
.. well if u were to ask me what type of person i am? what the hell would i say? i dont know..
i could say im a energetic person, im a very attractive girl, iget attention everywhere i go yet im not really what you call "confident" i kind of put on an act that im confident but im not really, its like.. i know im goodlooking, but alot of social situations actually kind of scare me like for example a speech . i would rather drop out of a course or get kicked out then do a speech.
another thing about me is that, sometimes i feel like im a bad person, i want good things & i feel like i deserve good things but at the same time i feel like im kind of evil in a way because of the hate towards people that i have. i want revenge on anyone (except my family+bf) that has ever hurt me the SLIGHTEST BIT. i want to ruin their life . for example, if a girl has done me wrong by saying something behind my back or implied something to me, i would go out of my way to ruin her relationship with her boyfriend, ifeel happy , i feel satisfied if that person is miserable BUT i would do it in a sneaky way that i wouldnt let myself be the reason for her break up, i would make someone tell her bf that she cheated on him.. as soon as i hear that there relationship is going good it burns me, i get so hurt.
another thing is that.. i worry so much about what people think of me, i hate being in competition with someone else.. i wouldnt be close friends with agirl that is prettier than me, it pisses me off. & i want everyone to think im hot, cute, funny, i feel like when im around people i have to be entertaining .. i think these are social anxiety symptoms as well but i think im just a mess but at the same time im not that bad. its so weird. when i read all this i think to myself wow thats pretty bad, but i go on about my normal life.
i also kind of feel the love/hate relationship with my bf. i cant say i ever hate him. his pretty much everything i want in a guy. but at the same time theres times where i think "but im too goodlooking i wish he was hotter" but right now because im in a good/okay mood, i feel mean just typing that about my bf. most of the time i treat him really good, i compliment him, i miss him, i show him alot of attention and love but if im speaking to him and he for example is tired & isnt too enthusiastic i might say something like "OMMMG u dont wanna talk 2 me"
i cant remember too much examples at the moment , i dont know why, i kind of forget how i really felt in that moment.. & in the moment i do think to myself "omg, why cant i just stop, his gna have work later, im wrecking the day" but then i get annoyed at him for "making" me feel that way..
I also have an obsession with how i look, not in a stuck up way but in a way of i feel like i have to look good all the time when im out . not just for my bf. for everyone. i want my bf'z brother to think im hotter than his gf. i dont like her. & i am hotter than her, shes not attractive but its like i feel like i have to impress him (im not physically attracted to him AT ALL) but even my bfs mum, i want her to think im pretty, i want everyone to think im pretty. i just love attention but then if you saw me you woudnt think im an attention seeker, i hide all these things well. people dont know the real me. i dont really know if this is the real me or the happy one is the real me. im not sad now but im just feeling weird, like im so caught up in this story that i cant stop typing about it & adding to it.
thanks for reading this please leave a comment no matter what it is & tell me what you think