I can finally say I feel fat again.  Its crazy to think that I've gained 17 pounds since I've finished meds.  I can't wear my skinny jeans any more and any tops that I've bought this past year are pretty tight.  Even though I was really skinny I still had a little bit of a pouch and now it seems a lot of my weight gain is settling around there.  My thighs are large again and my booty has almost inflated back to its old size.  I read about this weight gain being normal when treatment ends.  I've never had to go on any strict diets before but I think its time I kick my comfort food habits from treatment.  I've let myself continue to indulge in a high carb diet and 3 months later I finally see the results.  I still don't eat enough vegetables but I'm trying to eat 1-2 salads daily and a full glass of v8 fusion.  My 2 week trip to Amsterdam and Paris is coming up soon and I need to take some longer walks to work up to full days of trekking around Europe.  Thankfully I do feel A LOT OF STRENGTH.  Its amazing to feel muscle in my arms and not have trouble carrying the trash down the stairs.  I can pick up multiple bags of groceries now and all I can say is its empowering to have the ability to do things for myself again.  I still haven't adjusted socially back to where I was before.  I do feel a lot less awkward around groups of people because I'm less foggy and I can process conversation much better.  Deep muscle/joint pain is still random but much less frequent.  I still haven't cut my hair since a few months before treatment begain and I think I'm ready for a new style.  Scraggly chemo hair just isn't cool anymore and I'm sick of pulling it back all of the time.  My skin is going a little crazy...acne real bad just in time for my 24th birthday.  It seems to be clearing up a little but looks nothing like it did while I was on treatment.  The color of my skin was of course super pale with really dark purple under eyes and lips, but the texture was pretty nice.  My skin was really clear and only slightly dry overall.  So having acne again is a real disappointment but I think a major change in my diet may balance things out.

So I'm definitely feeling a lot better than I was a week ago.  Strange though, my energy seems to come in bursts and then I'm completely exhausted.  I'm still feeling acute pains throughout my body but the more I do yoga the better I feel.  Even though my hands are crampy, cold, and crickety the yoga stretches them out and I feel a bit more limber throughout the day.  I wish I had the energy and desire to do yoga throughout the treatment as I'm sure it would've helped but at least I'm feeling the benefits of it now.  Mentally I'm still feeling distracted but I don't catch myself staring at the wall as much.  I saw my doctor yesterday and told her how I thought going off my prozac in december was a mistake but she didn't wan't to give me anything for any of my side effects.  I guess I'm okay with that...I'll just have to fork over more cash and see a psychiatrist if this sadness and social isolation continue.  Finding it difficult to communicate with friends I fell out of touch with this year.  I feel guilty for not keeping up with them and angry at them for not helping me more when I really needed it.  I'm not going to the two courses i have- planning on taking medical withdrawal.  I don't have a job and haven't since I was first diagnosed 4 years ago.  I'm feeling pretty ****** about my education and career possibilities.  I just don't know how to get out into the work force and talk myself up at a job interview when I feel I really have nothing good going on right now.

wow my mind definitely feels very different.  I feel like each day another layer of my brain fog veil is lifted.  I did stop taking my prozac about 3 months ago which may have been a big mistake.  I was feeling extremely depressed and like a total bum loser and to some extent I still am.  But on an overall level I just feel a lot more mental clarity and I think that extends to my comprehension of pain too.  Ever since treatment ended I haven't had an increase in appetite which I find pretty strange.  Can't wait to fit into my clothes again and not have to constantly pull up my jeans.  I have enough energy to clean again and even though my shoulders are killing me I can lift things again! One new pain I have is my right ribs sort of below my armpit.  I do have 5 small lumps on my body and worry about lymphoma sometimes.  But my lymphnode on my neck has been enlarged since I had mononucleosis 5 years ago.  I have another two in my face that are smaller than a pea and one on my left arm.  The one that appeared during treatment was right in front of my left ear and it does seems to be smaller.  So I'm not ready to run a marathon yet but its time to start stepping back out into the social world and become a real person again.