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runnin low

Dec 14, 2007 - 1 comments
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baby seizures

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Counseling



,Have you ever just felt so broken so tired and overwhelmed for so so long  you know you cant keep on anymore?  but you do . Your the one that just keeps going blow after blow after blow! There  has been alot of devestating sadness in the life I live. Most of which i had/have no controll over. life happens  You put it  all away somewhere out of sight in the corners of your heart and mind. and you just keep on going because there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change any of it.you continue  doing the best you can to meet the many daily needs of the (special needs ) children,and adult children ( the family). meals.dishes.laundry. bathes,bill paying and bill worrying, homework,pets sombodys crisis.drs, dentists ,gas the car, take out the trash,call for propane.clean the tub, pick up your toys and your dirty clothes ,wash your face blow your nose.wheres the phone ?anwser the door! feed the dog.my oldest son has iga linear disease ( his immune system attacted his own body) full body breakout like open boils.he has gained controll of the break out with medication sees an immunology specialist 3 years now. the little boys came to live with us because their parents were addicted to herion they all suffer from various issues.17 yr daughter has weak immune system sick 75 % of the time. really sick 25% pnemonia .mono, pluresy etc.I am so tired of life, so many heart aches , I am so alone.so many memories of devastion keep  flashing into my mind  lately  i dont seem to have any controll over it,my dad was shot when i was 14  big mystery? he lived. later a boulder rolled down the hill hit the top of the cat bounced off and crushed a quarter of his skull. again he lived.my sister and i worked at diner nites.  one morn her new born baby died .my brother was killed  in a car accident on his way home from the corner store on my birthday 1991 he was 30 married with 3 children.my son was recently engaged to be married december 22 his fiance changed her mind. is pregnant with his child , our grandchild and is wanting an abortion. we are so deeply hurt.I have no words to describe  what this horror feels like. I cannot do this anymore.our oldest grandson molested his little brother ,we immediately persued help for him. he is not living in our home right now he will begin specialized counceling next week. we miss him very much.he was 5 when he came to live with us.we have a new grand baby from our second son and daughter inlaw their first.  the baby was 5 days old when he had his first seizure . the kids were living here with us  the baby began to jerk at perfect intervals we rushed him in to the er he was sent to childrens for a week the kids stayed there with their precious baby his seizures were brought under control with feenabarb  he is 7 months now and off the meds . he is doing well .yay!!! the kids are in their first home now as a family and well.thankyou lord. my dad left us when i was 12 he married his brothers x my aunt by marriage, my cousins became my stepsisters, my fathers step daughters.God forgive me, I hated them all. how could they do this? at school i told the ones who heard rummers that my dad died ! they divorced 4 yrs later. but my heart wont forget.   some how i thought if i just felt like i was talking to someone i would feel a bit better.  i have been like this for awhile now, this stuff just wont stop bombing my thoughts its trying to take me down . im tired of fighting tired of trying tired of this.  the dr bills are piling up again .weve recently lost over 1000 in monthly income ,the morg intrest just increased by2% whats the point? the faster i go the behinder i get! what am i thankfull for? hmmmm.....my lord jesus he is with me, he will never forsake me ,he shares my heart ache ,he is here when i feel so alone,i am blessed right now! the nite is quiet ,the christmas tree is lit ,my favorite candle is burning, i'm listening to praise 106.5( I'll fly away) one of my favorite songs. everyone is safley tucked in and asleep it is so peacefull at 3am smile... thankyou jesus