And when I get nervous I can't sleep or think straight LOL.

We had sex on Sunday morning - we said we were gonna use condoms - HE said (during the act) screw the condom and before I could object it was too late - now I fee nervous.  It's not like I don't wanna have a baby - I do want one badly, however I'm not ready.  We had a m/c in December and I'm not ready to get pregnant again - I'm scared I guess that I will go through everything all over again.  I ovulated on Monday/Tuesday - and so once again I sit here kinda nervous giving myself a headache.  

My period is due May 5th - which is like 12 days apart - sometimes however I am a few days early with my period.  A part of me doesn't wanna see AF come and a part of me does wanna see AF come.  I'm confused and nervous and he doesn't seem to be affected at all by it.  He just tells me that I doubt I got pregnant from this one time - then I have to remind him that it only took one time last time.  Last time we had sex on my ovulation day and I got pregnant - he seems to think that because we had sex a day before my ovulation day that we are okay - he doesn't understand that I am fertile for a few days both before and after my actual ovulation day.  Sighs.  I guess we will deal with whatever happens, and not sure what to feel expect being nervous.  

If I happen to get pregnant I'm sure I'll be happy - but know how nervous I'm gonna be - thinking every little pain or cramp means another m/c is looming - sighs.  At least if I am pregnant again I want this baby to stick stick stick!

Wish me luck.

We have been talking a lot lately and have been working things out and I have since decided to stand by my man's side and work things out.  My fiance cooked me a very nice dinner one night, sent the dogs to be watched by a neighbor's house and it was just very romantic.  I had taken my engagement ring off, and that night he re-proposed to me which was just so very special.  I did say yes of course.  He's been so much better, and things are going back to the way they were before we moved out together.

We also decided that since my body is getting back on track that we really do want to try for a baby again.  So we will be ttc this month.  According to mymonthlycycles.com my average cycle day did go up from 35 to 38 days and would be ovulating on the 19th of this month.  But just to be on safe side I moved my average cycle days back to 35 and discovered that I also may ovulate on the 16th.  So we decided, since it's hard to mandate my cycle because of the m/c, that we would have sex the 15th and the 16th, and we would also have sex the 18th and the 19th, so I'm hoping to catch an egg one of those days/weeks.  Do you think we could?  When I got pregnant the first time, we had sex on October 16th and 17th - then I had joined mymonthlycycles.com and realized that I ovulated those days (according to what that site told me) and BAM I was pregnant.  I'm hoping that I am fertile as hell and all I have to do is catch the correct day/days.

Here's to TTC this month!

So I guess in my life things had to get worse before getting better huh?  I am now an Agency nurse - my agency is wonderful - I met all requirements and just have to get them my TB test results faxed to them tomorrow evening which is no problems. I already had a call from them this morning for an assignment for today, however, I didn't hear the phone and I would have taken it.  I would have been at work right now, but that is okay, she technically shouldn't be placing me until she has my results..LOL.  I sent over my resume to her so that she can start networking it out and will be booking me for the next 30 days worth of work WOW!  I can't wait to start!  

I did talk to my fiance about the website I found and he said that yes he did go to that site a lot, and yes that he is sorry and he took the computer and deleted it out and said he wouldn't be doing that again.  He said he wasn't even sure why he looked because he was actually looking for muscle magazines (guy ones) to get the tips out of them, and he put a wrong address in and that came up, and he said he looked and he was sorry.  I believe him, he's been on this health kick lately.  We also talked about his stupid computer game and he said he knows that he is playing it too much and said sorry - last night he played it for only one hour and then he cuddled with me the whole night watching t.v. and he said that he knows what he has been missing and sorry.  He said that game made him forget about the miscarriage, the problems we are having, etc, but he knows he can't run from them anymore and we talked A LOT last night - and I feel our relationship starting to strengthen in a way.  I'm getting happy again.

Yes, they are, slowly but surely my relationship is on an upswing.  We are getting ready to send out the postponment letters to family and friends, and I got a job - working for a nursing agency where I can start soon and get top pay which is great and can't wait to begin.  Today fiance is taking me for my TB test and drug test when he comes home and Thursday I will drop off the final paperwork and hopefully begin this weekend.  I still haven't put my engagement ring back on my finger, but will do so once I'm sure things are getting better.  He's been more loving and is doing things around the house without me having to ask, which is good.  I guess this time he understood.  Last night we both made dinner together which was very nice - he never helps usually and we had a lot of fun doing so last night.  We also have to get rid of our dogs so we can move to a nicer yet cheaper place soon and that sucks, but we have to do what we can to save money I guess.

In other news, AF packed up and left yesterday evening so that makes my period length normal - about 3 days.  I'm glad she is gone because while she was here it was hell for the 3 days - cramps, and heavy flow.  So we don't know know yet if we are going to be ttc this month or if we are going to wait to see when my next period.  I hope it comes on March 4th, and I should be ovulating on Feb. 19th.  We will see, I kind of want to wait another cycle just to see how much my body is out of whack if it is at all and of course he wants to try again this month.  I haven't told him that AF is gone yet in fear he'll want to be all over me LOL.

Just wanted to update you all on what has been going on.