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3 Years Old

Jan 19, 2013 - 13 comments

Well my darling little boy, today we had your 3rd birthday party.  And is mommy ever tired..lol.  This year we had a Spiderman theme, and it was a fabulous day.

I always seem to start these journals by saying how much you have changed and grown.  You are a little boy now, with nothing left of baby in you.  Sometimes I tease you telling you that you are still my little baby, and you get so upset "no mommy, I'm NOT a baby...I'm a big boy".  And yes you are.

You are such a happy, thoughtful, gentle child.  I was so proud of you today (well, I'm always proud of you)..you played so nicely with your friends and for the most part, remembered your please and thank yous.  You let the other kids there play with your things with only minimal resistance.  You are such a good boy.

You love school.  I miss you so much during the day since I started back to work full time, but you seem to be so happy and doing so well.  The very best part of my day is picking you up and knowing that I now have a full evening with you before we head off to bed.  Ah bed..lol.  Still a struggle and you fight so hard against sleep.  I think your afraid you might miss something.  When you do sleep, your preference is still co sleeping.  You start out in your own bed, but usually wind up with me.  I'm ok with that and love snuggling with you.

You love books.  I'm so happy that you do.  You love to sit with me and read, and even after I've tucked you in, I will often find you an hour or so later, fast asleep, book open on your bed.  I hope that love of books stays with you.  Mommy has always loved to read and still does.  You love music - dancing, singing and also playing instruments.  

Favorite toys right now are: your costumes, your little people sets and now your big firehouse with all the figures.  Books and puzzles and anything Spider Man and of course Fire Trucks.  And of course your instruments.  You seem to particularly like your recorder and your harmonica. The little concerts you put on are so much fun.

I think the most common phrase out of your mouth right now is "I'll do it myself" or "I'll find it".  I'm so glad you like to try things, even when they are hard.  And I love your independent spirit, even when you challenge me.  

Currently you like to correct mommy and daddy.  A few days ago you put Daddy into time out!  And if we take a toy away from you for some reason, you will shake your little finger at us and say "Mommy, we don't snatch toys away from people"..lol.  Your right, how do we argue with that?

Oh Ryder, I just love you so very very much.  Your mommy and daddy adore you and are so happy you are our child.  You are a smart, friendly, happy little boy.  You make us proud and we are so grateful to have you.  Happy Birthday my sweet boy.  

Anxiety rears it's ugly head again

Jan 15, 2013 - 24 comments

As per therapist instructions, journal it.  And I feel safe doing it here.

Things have been going poorly again in the anxiety department.  I really should spend time on the forum, it would help I have no doubt. I thought I was getting better, but it's been tough lately and I'm not sure why.  Today makes sense with Ryder being sick, but he isn't seriously sick, just a tummy bug.  Been through those before more then once.  But I start to obsess.  

Lately I find myself going back to old habits.  Checking on him obsessively while he sleeps by putting my hand on his back to ensure he is breathing (he has never once stopped breathing, not even as a newborn in NICU).  Obsessively checking that the alarm is set (I have to double check several times) as I begin to worry someone will break in the house in the middle of the night and take him.  Listening to DH excitedly talking about our summer camping plans and how Ryder is old enough this year to go hiking without riding in the toddler backpack (I start stressing about cougars of all things - always cougars.  They will attack a small child but the chances are pretty remote).  Worrying about him running away from me and into the street and being hit by a car.  Worrying I will get in a car accident, and of course it will be hit in the side where his car seat is (this happened to my cousin recently, although her 2 year old was fine).  

I work myself into a bit of a mess.  I know I'm going to need to go back on medication and keep up the therapy.  I just wish there was a way to cure this.  I then worry I am going to smother my child and raise him to be fearful of everything.  I don't want that.

The thing about his is that I know my fears are not really rational.  The chances of any of these things happening is so remote in most cases, and at the very least highly unlikely.  But knowing that doesn't stop the fear and worry.  

Going to take one of my pills now.  My Dr. prescribed something I can take when I'm having a rough night.  Too much time to think today I guess.  It helps sometimes to write it out and hopefully journaling this will help me, and perhaps reassure someone else that they aren't the only ones going through this.

The Negotiator

Jan 11, 2013 - 10 comments

Must get this down so I never forget.  A new phase of my child's life has begun...negotiation.  And it is FUNNY!

Ryder to mommy: Can I have a candy please?
Mommy to Ryder: No honey, I'm sorry, but you didn't eat any breakfast.  Candies are treats and are only for after a good meal
Ryder to mommy: Don't say no mommy
Mommy to Ryder: I'm sorry, but the answer is still no. They make us sick if we don't have good food first
Ryder to Mommy: But mommy, 1 candy doesn't make us sick. 2 candies will make us sick.  I only want 1 candy. So can I have a candy please?

The facial expressions and gestures that went with this was hilarious.  He wasn't having a tantrum, he was quite calm and logical...lol.  And holding up 1 finger and 2 fingers at appropriate times.  Absolutely priceless.  It was very difficult to explain with a straight face why the answer was still no candy...lol.

My 2013 New Years Resolution

Dec 28, 2012 - 16 comments

Every year as this time approaches I begin to write down my New Years Resolutions.  Typically they revolve around health or wealth...that is the truth.  I usually find myself resolving to find ways to increase my income, to work out more (how many times have I taken out a gym membership not to be used past February) or to focus my time and energy on various perceived faults.

This year seems to be different.  Perhaps it's the fact that I am approaching my mid 40's, or that maybe I finally feel pretty good about myself (not to be confused with me thinking I am in any way, shape or form anywhere near perfection - like all of us I am a work in progress).  This year I find myself reflecting more on where my life is today and all the wonderful things I have.

I am not wealthy or famous.  I am not what anyone would consider a raving beauty.  All things that so many of us (myself included) have strived for.  I do not have a perfect body and I am not a genius. My name will probably not appear in any history books (except my family history).  It's unlikely I will ever write a best selling novel or win a Nobel Peace Prize.  What I am however, is happy.  I can truly say I am honestly and genuinely happy.

I am loved and I know what it is to love.  My childhood was most definately what most would consider disfunctional.  However, my parents, with all of their faults and all of our ups and downs always loved me, and I them.  And still do.  I am married to a man that both respects me and loves me and it is the same for me - I love him and respect him with all my heart.  My relationship is built on trust and commitment and I know this is forever.  I am a mother - the greatest love of all.  I have no words to describe it, it just is.  I have wonderful friends I can count on and whom I hope know can count on me.

I love my job - I truly do.  It will never make me wealthy and it can be incredibly stressful.  But I know that everyday I make a difference, however small, in someones life.  That is worth more then money.

Many who aspire to what they consider greater things would consider my life mundane and without excitement.  It's not for everyone.  I haven't conquered Everest (and know I never will), but I have achieved what so many strive for and may never find - contentment and genuine happiness.  Those who will never find it is because they are looking in all the wrong places - they are looking for more instead of appreciating that which they have. They are looking for it through external sources as opposed to what is inside.  Somehow, I got lucky, and I know it.  My very life is a gift, and my New Years Resolution this year is to make sure I never ever forget to appreciate it and all the beauty that surrounds me.  Perfection?  No.  But perfect for me?  Absolutely.  My tombstone (hopefully a long long way off..lol) won't read of any great achievement, but it will say "she was happy".  Perhaps that is the greatest achievement of all.

Happy New Year everyone, and may your world be filled with happiness and peace.