O.k....I feel like a total putz for being afraid to go to the doctor, and am relieved that I did actually go today.  Talking to a friend has really helped me with this, not to mention hurting bad enough that I didn't need to wait until I was bleeding from the eyes for me to justify the visit.  

I went for the express purpose of getting relief from two burdens.  

1.  PAIN
2.  Physical anxiety s/s that have no mental emotional component.  

He told me that my test for Lyme, that I had done a couple weeks ago was positive.  Oddly enough too, I pulled a tick off my leg this a.m.  Anyway....he drew blood for a more specific Lyme test, and ordered an x-ray of my spine and recommended I go see a rheumatologist.  He has not prescribed treatment at this point, as he wants to wait for the test results.  

So...I'm tryin' to deal with my issues..please forgive my uncharacteristic non-posting right now.  I'm doin' what I can..I guess like all of us.  

It seems in all the haze and mess, that I just realized today, that today, I'm 120 days out now...provided that April had 30 days in it.  Not sure what that means at this point, as right now....I'd be happier to celebrate a peaceful existence.  I feel strongly that this doc will at least try to get to the bottom of my barrel..and am thankful for all of your support and friendship.  I am clinging to you all and have smiled despite myself because of guys...  Thank you!!!

This is me just yelling, not whining, just yelling out my feelings, so please excuse:

OMG!  WTF am I gonna do and how the F am I supposed to do it?!!?!??!  I'm doin' what I can right now, but damn if this pain is not gonna kill me.  This is so freakin' ridiculous!  Tried two things for the pain yesterday, and I'm just hurtin' more than ever.  I'm shaking, can't hardly move, and so freakin' anxious it's just not even jokable anymore.  I feel like I'm being tortured, and I'm wondering on whose arm I can tap to get out of the device.  

I'm trying to bear in my that this may be worse before better, but logic aside, just surving until some amount of relief comes is looking about as possible or enjoyable as walking all the way across the country to have my eyeball pierced or something.  Seriously, real seriously, I'm at a loss for how to live through each minute, and each hour right now.  

Tightrope     by E.L.O.

They say some days you're gonna win,
They say some days you're gonna lose.
I tell you I got news for you,
You're losin' all the time you never win.  

If you believe that's how it's gonna be I'd better put you down
Get off your tightrope up there come down on
The ground you gotta save me now,
You better turn around.
When I looked around, I was heading down
Won't somebody throw me down a line.

They say some days you gotta give--
They say some days you gotta take--
If that's the way it's gotta be,
Roll it over and you will see.
The city streets are full of people going nowwhere makin' time.

The change from night to day is really only hours,
It's just along the line can't you see the sign.
When I looked around, I was heading down,
Won't somebody throw me down a line.

I want to look you straight in the eye,
I want to tell you how I really feel,
I can feel the wheels a turnin' round
Won't somebody throw me down a line.

The city streets are full of people going no where makin' time,
The change from night to day is really only hours
It's just along the line, can't you see the sign

When I closed my eyes, I was so surprised,
Somebody had thrown me down the line -
Stopped me drownin'.

I swear I'd be so much better if it weren't for this freakin' pain.  Not to say the sleeplessness and anxiety are peachy, but I could deal with those and everything better if it wasn't for the pain.  I swear the pain's makin' the insomnia and anxiety worse too.  I'm making a huge effort to keep my head on here, and I suppose I will win the war in the end....just the battles are tough.

I have never really had what I'd call cravings before, but when the pain's uber bad like now, I question whether or not I'd have the nuts to refrain from consuming a pain killer if I had it....just to lower that level.  Thankfully, this will not be an issue, and even though I did not take the med to get high, it caused many other serious problems that I think would all return.

What's tied for second in the cr*p list as far as pain's concerned, is that getting out and about, which I love and need to do, makes me feel worse physically.. Tuesday's many hours out and about (like 13 or so) is most likely why I feel so badly.  It's tough to feel trapped in your body.  Wednesday, I was highly motivated to do all sorts of things, some of which I had been putting off previously...but I was hurtin' way too badly to do 'em.  I just could not.  My head's still on straight, but if it doesn't let up soon, and go back to a dull roar, I will be in that awful place that's such a downer.  It's such a vicious circle.  After w/d ing from the pain, having gone through all the med did to me, and the w/d, I finally am "me" again, but now I sometimes can't be me because of the pain...which makes my head go round to the funkies again.  I'm hoping that in a few days, I'll be reading this and going, thank GOD THAT let up!  

Until then, I'm tryin' to shake the maracas...if I slip and drop 'em...I will require assistance.  My grip's holdin' for now...