Today I find myself here to sort out all the things that have been going on lately. I realize my escape use to be to get high our drunk but this is not happening so I write instead.. gary is due for a major surgery on his ankle and foot dec. 4th. this means a intense month of caring for him knowing there are drugs to my liking in the house. It has been a long year first his knee replacement my shoulder replacement now this. I'm getting tired of the revolving door that allows temptation in the house..
My moms birthday was yesterday.. I do not feel overwhelmed with sadness I do miss her but I'm grateful for the gifts that she has passed to me.. Independent thinking a love of nature and animals.. exploration and a spirit that was as tough as nails.. I forgave her a long time ago for the indifference she showed to me with my stepfather as I truly believe my mom had a detachment disorder.. she raised her kids as she raised her animals with minimal care but you could never do so wrong she would turn you away..
Yesterday on her B-day my Parrot Chippy died.. I received her and Baby another one of my parrots the day my mom died and have had them for 14 years.. I believe she was a old bird and she had a sad life.. she lived with a man she adored but was unhappy in his marriage as chip mumbled the B word under his breath a lot along with other things.. they divorced and she wound up in a mechanics garage where she learned to cuss more.. she had to go as she insulted a customer and ended up with my mom.. Of course my mom got a kick out of a bird that cussed but the entertainment value soon worn off and she was placed into a hot hallway and forgotten for lengths of time..
when I received her she was a wild thing.. parrots are noisy but she made it a mission to make your life miserable. it took about 2 years for her to stop cussing and screaming hysterically.. she turned into a wonderful watch parrot lol anyone who crossed in the street or walk she would lite off alert Wulfgar then barking screaming would ensue.. I believe he will also miss her.. Baby is right now looking for her as they spent many years together.. it is sad. she slept between two sock as she pulled her back feathers and shoulders when my son moved out I was hoping she would allow them to grown back now that he is home but this was not to be.. rest lil Chip we will meet again..
One of my dogs Bonnie the elder she has not had anymore seizures in almost 2 weeks now and she seems to have steadied.. her cancer is progressing but she made it out of the cone and is still a hearty eater and looks forward to trips out. I know her time is not long but i'm grateful she is still with us and not uncomfortable.. she is getting a new softie bed today :)
Christmas is coming...I have all the family living with me 6 in a 900 sq. foot house. I really have no complaints as everybody has been just wonderful it is just very crowded and with the Holidays it seems even more so with the tree and cooking..
We may have to give up medical.. this bothers me more then I can say but they want 1400 a month and I just do not think we can do that.. They want way to much.. gary although being forced to retire as a machinist may return to work in another field that has to do with computers but if we drop I do not think they will pick me up again as I have pre exsisting conditions.. Ahh to let drugs live my life use to be a option.. but not now so I plug along contenplating when the next shoe will drop and how much it will hurt..
I feel a lil melancholy today.. cooking a Turkey dinner as it is my youngest favorite and he will not be here for T day. will make a Ham on the real day and do a repeat of the baking.. my life right now in a nut shell..
There is a rainbow for everyday it just sometimes is washed out by the glare.....

This year has been the most difficult yet the most rewarding.. Thank you MH and the Members for you all played such a Major roll in my recovery. To my Friends a special Thank you for your support and understanding of my journey. I have grown to care for you all so much, just as the forum has become extended family you always live in my heart and conscious :)
My Family gets so much credit for their patience and caring.. for sticking it out with me and being invested in my welfare.. for this I have no words but can only hope my continued sobriety brings the gratitude I feel..
Whoo Hoo I Year for me.. Life if Good !!

I'm writing this journal as a way of expressing the battle that I'm waging within myself.. This is no way intended to hurt nor cause any kind of disrespect for each persons battle with our shared disease of addiction... I have missed adding my support for I'm truly awed and inspired and so proud of any that achieve the freedom of their emotions and physical dependents on their doc. My heart truly does go out to those that have suffered abuse.. isolation. atrocities of war and disrespect in their lives.. and even now in their battle to combat the emotions they leave behind..

I also would like to add that in some of the friends I have made on the forum have gone through horrific traumas  and have endured many hardships some I can only imagen.. for this they have my empathy for the memory's and respect for the strength to see beyond the past austerities and to find balance and peace in their lives..

This now leads me to where I'm going with these thoughts.. I realize I'm dealing with the pain of my surgery and choose to suffer with more then necessary for the sake of recovery.. I used the percs for a week instead of the oxy's offered.. dropped to norco for 2 weeks.. Now I'm using Motrin.. I have gone through the wd but still feel creaky.. these things will pass although I do find myself wishing a useless wish that I could take meds normally.. although I did not abuse thanks to gary.. my thoughts where beginning to wander there..

It is the emotional that is what I'm dealing with.. I have always handled things on my own from running away at 12.. I went through 3 girl schools 17 foster homes and couple of half way houses and cya.. you see I was very angry and asked for no help nor wanted any I felt I had done nothing wrong.. as a heroin addict I was a perfect candidate for a physical and tremulousness relationship.. I have been beaten many times when fixes where not available and loved when they were.. you begin to accept this as normal.. I told of a incident of a beating recently that I still carry the scars from.. the split in my lip on the inside runs to the bottom and over.. my eyebrows are hard to find through the scars and the finger nails that where raked across my forehead show on my skin prominently as my color is olive I live with these scars.. there have been many other beatings by my Heroin partner.. But my addiction my self esteem added with my desire for self annihilation and the desperate need to be loved where great.. after that one beating I soon lost custody of my son and gave him up for adoption.. If anybody finds this offensive.. I'm sorry but my life I'm no longer ashamed of..

I had left my Heroin Partner after loosing custody.. we were homeless lived in a car.. I was a cocktail waitress and had the minimum to offer my son but some dura logs and canned food from 7'11.. I was at work and my partner when out and partied leaving our son alone.. The police rescued him.. for this I'm grateful now.. I thought I was at my bottom and would start over.. this did not happen not at all.. My mom picked me up from Oregon and bought me home.. within 2 weeks I was slamming speed with a new partner. 8 days runs with very little food or water.. he was a ex marine and did not believe in radio tv.. just a very strict adherence to order and discipline just like my step father.. but with the crank.. in a very twisted way.. I can fold socks military style like nobody's business..

The beating from him where much more aimed at the emotional and physiological break down of ones spirit and strengths like threatening to shave your hair and these sort of things although.. he could get very physical.. One incident stands out in my mind and that is of him kidnapping me on the way to work and beating the tar out of me while driving down the freeway.. I had blood all over the passenger window and I remember others looking in.. before cell phones and the horror on their faces.. He was driving me to the mountains where he said he was going to kill me and nobody would ever find my body.. Of course I'm still here thank the good spirits. he had stalked me well into my marriage for over a decade..

I guess what I'm getting at here is in recovery we share but I can not help to wonder when we share is it normal to have the past linger in your thoughts.. or is it the wd.. I do not feel the same pain and self pity I once did and Boy em I grateful for that.. But I find myself self reflecting and it is affecting how I feel.. I know what depression is and it is not this.. I would like to say it feels more like post traumatic stress syndrome and hope it will pass... I really mean this statement to cause no pain.. and definitely not take away from what others deal with and their experiences.. but could this be it and if one recognizes it for what it is.. can it be put back into context without affecting the strides you have achieved.. at least this is my hope..

I'm so very new to wanting to be free of my past but have been working on it over 2 years now.. I have had to tell many truths to doctors my family my shrink and this forum.. although many are still sequestered inside.. I also can not help but to think when ever I have had a surgery I took pills till I had no pain and beyond.. I quit way early on this and em dealing with a lot of extra.. and wonder if this is also adding. I'm sure it is.. at least this is my hope..

I feel guilty also for not being there for the many people I have grown to care about.. it is just in my state of mind I feel the positives we all need are not forth coming.. I do not think I would be a benefit at this time..

I'm so used to dealing privately but I hear so much about how good it is to talk, to share. my own shrink wanted me in a group a long time ago but the shame of the deprivations I have allowed myself to go through and the abuses that have been visited on me without consent.. scares me..

Through MY thoughts my experiences although not sharing all.. I still strive to have the Freedom of emotion and body. lesa

I want to feel the wind on my face I want my eye's to be filled with splendor I want to fly with the eagle I'm content in my desires and confident in my war... letakos

I thought I would share this poem I have always enjoyed as a way of thanking you all and letting you know I miss you.. I hope you enjoy it as much as I. warmly lesa

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The Deer Star

Hear now a tale of the deer-star,
Tale of the days a-gone,
When a youth rose up for the hunting
In the bluish light of dawn --
Rose up for the red deer hunting,
And what should a hunter do
Who has never an arrow feathered,
Nor a bow strung taut and true?
The women laughed from the doorways, the maidens mocked at the spring;
For thus to be slack at the hunting is ever a shameful thing.
The old men nodded and muttered, but the youth spoke up with a frown:
"If I have no gear for the hunting, I will run the red deer down."

He is off by the hills of the morning,
By the dim, untrodden ways;
In the clean, wet, windy marshes
He has startled the deer a-graze;
And a buck of the branching antlers
Streams out from the fleeing herd,
And the youth is apt to the running
As the tongue to the spoken word.
They have gone by the broken ridges, by mesa and hill and swale,
Nor once did the red deer falter, nor the feet of the runner fail;
So lightly they trod on the lupines that scarce were the flower-stalks bent,
And over the tops of the dusky sage the wind of their running went

They have gone by the painted desert,
Where the dawn mists lie uncurled,
And over the purple barrows
On the outer rim of the world.
The people shout from the village,
And the sun gets up to spy
The royal deer and the runner,
Clear shining in the sky.
And ever the hunter watches for the rising of that star
When he comes by the summer mountains where the haunts of the red deer are,
When he comes by the morning meadows where the young of the red deer hide;
He fares him forth to the hunting while the deer and the runner bide.