Feb 05, 2014
For me…I relapse long before I actually use drugs. For me…relapse starts with a single negative thought or behavior. It can have nothing to do with drug use. It can be anything that is dishonest or lacking in integrity. Whether it be cutting corners, lying or even just thinking about lying…for me, that is where my relapse begins. I’m at the point in my recovery where I try to identify those things…see them for what they really are and deal with them before they lead to drug use. If I don’t…the behaviors will grow on top of each other and become worse. The lies may get longer or the behaviors worse until I ultimately end up with a needle in my arm. Yes…that’s how serious it is to me. I often tell myself that I’m just human and I’m prone to sin but then I realize that I’m just rationalizing and justifying my bullshat. Playing the “I’m just human” card is selling myself short. I believe that I can grow and conquer the behaviors’ that I believe are the root of relapse. No…I’m not above sin but there are certain behaviors than I can control and not do.
Two days before Christmas I got a speeding ticket on my way to Vegas. I didn’t get a speeding ticket because I’m just a human and I made a mistake. I got a speeding ticket because I consciously broke the law. This is the behavior that I’m talking about. Its things like that where my relapse starts. I tried to get away with something I knew was wrong. Had I not been caught…it’s possible I may have stretched that behavior into another and so on. After I was ticketed…I was very upset with myself. But to be honest….I was more upset that I got caught. I spent hours researching how to beat the ticket. I was going to hire a lawyer and go all the way. Well, on my 4 years clean birthday I was doing a little internal housekeeping and evaluation. It’s then that I saw my speeding ticket and thought process afterwards for what it really was…the beginning of a relapse. No…I’m not being dramatic. This is real $hit. I take my recovery very serious…life or death.
So I identified what was going on and dealt with it. I went to court today and stood in front the judge. He asked how do I plea…”Guilty” He asked if I had anything to say on my behalf so I said, “I made a mistake”. I was honest….I owned it all the way…and I paid the fine. For me…relapse starts long before the actual drug use. It starts with a speeding ticket. In order to keep my recovery I have to stay on my toes at all times. It doesn’t mean I won’t screw up…it just means that when I screw up I need to identify it, own it, and fix it…right away. I grow every time I take responsibility for my actions.
So this is me reminding myself about how it works. This is me telling myself that I cannot afford digress and make mistakes that could ultimately kill me or send me back to prison.