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day 12 of rehab

Feb 21, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Recovery



today is new years eve, and its the first one since i was 15, that ive been sober. Im a little more than 1/3 of the way through. But as am learning, recovery is a life long process. So thinking im free by 1/19/2013 is a lie. I have a lot to be happy for. My mother who is my rock in all of this, still loves me. My mom told me that my grandmother filled up with tears when she found out where I was. I told her to let everyone know where i am, im sick of hiding it. What's the point? hiding and being afraid is a feeling im all to familiar with. Like with fear, i just went upstairs twice to pray. I feel better now, like something is watching over me. My head is still all messed up. Its not clear, I cant gather my thoughts, and they keep flying out of control, i cant gather them or focus them to any degree. It's like a cyclone up there. I have a lot of pain, anger, and fear boiling in my stomach. Feelings of shame and guilt follow me everywhere. I gotta puke it all out. I did my 1st step. I told them personal stuff in my past, that still bother me today. It felt like weight was lifted off of my shoulders. If I do somehow pull though all of this, and make it then i have alot to be proud of. i'm doing something pretty great here. This takes courage to get through, I never thought id ever say admitting im a drug addict is a sign of courage, but it is. Anyone can admit they're a doctor or a lawyer, try admitting you're a drug addict, not quite as easy. The meetings are painful, but its that pain that makes us stronger. It's so real i could feel it when they share. I learned today, that i can't dwell on the past, but we should face it. In order to keep moving forward. And when we do, don't look back.

Day 5 of rehab

Feb 21, 2013 - 0 comments
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Addiction

,

Recovery



Path to emotional growth
1 selp inspection- making changes
2 ackowledge other peoples feelings
3 setting AND working towards goals
4 Maturity comes from learning from our mistakes
5 Hold self accountable for actions, my actions dont benefit mark.
6 Resilience and persistence, which i deffintly lack
7 Acceptance, how can I accept anything when I don't accept myself?

My self inspection has a lot of negativity in it. I just never felt completly whole with myself and look for validation in others. For example, the youngest of 3 brothers. As a child i always looked up to them and wanted to be them. A lot of my focus and energy was put into them accepting me. As I grew older that behavior carried through to friendships and relationships. I was always the quiet child, very naive, impressionable, and insecure. I often dreamed of being accepted. Even had fantasies about saving someones life, being looked up to, being a rockstar, etc. I was always a dreamer, and thirived on living in a world of fantasy and dreams. I dont know if its in my dna, a behavioral complex from childhood, or what the reason is. It has both pros and cons i suppose either way its who i am. I love letting my imagination carry me away. In my teenage years i discovered the wonderful sound of the piano, i love how no matter what you feel, theres is alwaays a harmony to voice it. There is an energy to it that can at least for a short time fill the void in the soul. Music speaks to something higher a divine power that i believe lives through us. Its truly the universal language. And as a passive and silent individual, i couldn't ever find the words to express my feelings, but in the world of music theres no limits. It flows through me like a calm river, that serene sound of standing on the beach as a kid, hearing the waves crash on the shore. The smell of sun screen and salt water and looking around and seeing smiles all around. This is the passion in life i lost. And I fear that its gone, and I'll never get it back.

Day 2 of rehab

Feb 21, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Recovery



The we version of the serenity prayer..
God Grant us the the serentity to accept the things we cannot change
The Courage to change the things we can
And the wisdom to know the difference

Acceptance- Accepting the past, who I am today.
Courage- willpower and desire to stay clean and find a new way to live
Wisdom- comes with time.

Wisdom, i dont have any of that. I've just been floating in a haze since I was 17 years old. I remember night where i was using joking about all the war stories, and i was proud of it. I've heard the saying that "sometimes things gotta get worse before they can get better". And that's how i feel right now. I'm going to suffer for the next month or so, better a better life awaits me out there. It's not going to come to me, i have to find it. I never thought i could have it, maybe i just wasnt looking. Don't be ignorant! You don't know it all!!

Day 54 of recovery

Feb 21, 2013 - 2 comments
Tags:

Recovery

,

Addiction

,

NA meetings



its been a rough ride, I have 54 days without opiates or any other drugs, but i still feel hopeless. i have days where i feel better about myself, but today isn't one of those days. i cant say i have a strong desire to use, but it deffinetly crosses my mind throughout the day. I haven't been sharing and am feeling alot of self pity, which ive struggled with alot in my life, even before drugs. I got a job, a car, a warm bed to sleep in, family, other recovering addicts in my presence, food in my belly, but still living a half *** recovery. I havent been sharing at meetings as much, putting my mask on like everything is alright, my current sponsor is busy a lot and i am trying to find a new one. I need something to hold me accountable in my life, left with my thoughts and my will ends up in me losing jobs, not paying the rent, and eventually in rehab. I walked this path before and dont want a repeat. I think maybe do things for the wrong reason sometimes. When i got outta rehab, i COULDNT WAIT to show my family and friends the new me, to impress them. (another one of my downfalls). Some days i feel so good and have hope, a little peace of mind, but this past week im eerrrr idk, falling back into my old ways i think, old behaviors and thinking patterns. I could never have enough of anything i love. When i get a taste of something that makes me happy (substances, people, passions, watever, i just cant let go. I persist to keep hanging on till it just turns to black, and im right back in the same emotional hell i came from. I was just at a meeting, ofcourse didnt share, and its bubbling up. Please give me some hope and strength, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, as long as your comment is from the heart, i wont be offended. thanks.