So about me, I'm 20 years old (almost 21!).  I was born to an alcoholic father and over protective mother.  I have 2 brothers (one older and one younger).  All three of us still live at home with my parents. My dad doesn't work due to his PTSD so he is home all the time.  Plus he had a heart attack last February and is still kind of sick.  My mom works full time and gets angry very easily.  I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through senior year.  Due to religion being constantly pushed on me I do not believe in God.  I would like to, but just can't. I've been dealing with my depression for a year now-weekly therapy.  I refuse to go on medicine because I believe they would make me worse.  I have good days and then I have my bad days.  I have constant sleeping problems. 2007 was a horrible year and the pain still stays with me.

The boyfriend and I were talking about how our relationship is falling apart. It is.... We love each other with all our hearts but things just arent good right now. We've been together for 1 year, 3 months and 7 days and in that time we have been through so much.. Hell the day we got together we were fighting (but it wasn't his fault- his boss at the time "E" was lieing) .  We are trying so hard to fix our relationship annd stop the fighting. Its so hard  because we live an hour apart. We first started talking in September of 2006. We both worked in the mall right across from each other. Both our stores were friends and always talking. Well we had only say like "hey" and that was it. On September 17th, I was opening my store and he was sitting in the chairs outside my store waiting for the other guy to come with the key. To be friendly I started talking to him asking where he was from and such. We ended up talking all day during work. I was leaving at 5pm because my aunt/uncle were down. But "CW" (the boyfriend) has to work late. Right before we were discussing football and how I liked the Giants and he liked the Eagles. Ironically that was the game that day. We ended up making a $10 bet about the game. I went home and watched my Giants kick the Eagles *** 30-24. I called his store and said "Chris Chris Chris, you own me $10" He just laughed but was realy busy so we had to hang up. On Monday I worked but he was off. Tuesday I started work at 8am to do inventory. I left at 11 but before that I had used his stores bathroom. Walking out he gave me my bet money and joking around we decided to make another bet but he said he needed time to decide what type of bet. I had to go to class but I was returning at 3:30 to help with the inventory. When I came back then he was too nervous to give me the bet so I went and did what I had to do elsewhere in the mall. I was leaving the mall again at 5 to go to another class. Right before I left he slipped me a paper that said the bet on it. I looked at it when I left his store and it was about the Phillies game and if the Phillies lost he paid me $10 but if the Phillies won then he would take me out on a date. His phone number was on the bottom of the paper. During my class we started texting. I ended up back at the mall after my class but he had left. We talked for a few min on the phone that night and that was the start of us.

I was really cautious because I had dealt with a lot of crazy guys. My first real boyfriend was a 6 month long relationship with "M". He cheated on me with our mutual friend who set us up. I think he was gay but I haven't proven that. The next guy was 6 years older than me "J" and was so completly different and my parents didnt approve. He worked in the mall also and would practically stalk me and everything I did. He was a nervous wreck about everything! He was the first guy I slept with but the relationship soon ended and honestly I dont know how or why but it was for the better. The next guy "S" was another friend of a friend and again my parents didn't approve. I hide the relationship from them which was a horrible thing to do. We had a phone relationship mostly, occasionally seeing each other in the mall. He didnt have a job, nor a cell phone, nor a car, nor a license. That should have been my first clue. We were on and off, going months without talking to each other. The final straw was when one Sunday he refused to answer my calls. He said it was because he was watching tv with his dad. A few days later when I finally saw him in person, he told me that he tried to commit suicide. I was so hurt and till this day that pain is still with me. Our relationship ended soon after. He ended up moving up to Pennsylvania and said he was never returning or so I thought. After "S" left Jersey, I focused on my job where I was working 40+ hours. I was friends with several guys in "CW"s store (this was before he worked at that one)/ I was "Talking" to his boss "E" but he was playing me against the girls I worked with. We were friends for a year but recently I ended our friendship after he was spreading lies about me. Another guy hanging out there all the time "R" I was talking to him and we hooked up once but he was talking to all these other girls. Then there was "JY". He ditched me at a club one night and then made me cry a week later so that soon ended. He was into my boss anyway. I think I might be  missing a guy or two but then "CW" came into my life.

"CW" is the most amazing man I have ever met but unfortunately I've really hurt him several times during our relationship. In November I was working one day when "S" appeared out of nowhere. Luckily "CW" was not working that day. But anyway "S" and I talked and the feelings came rushing back. We would talk on the phone a few times. "CW" went through me phone and caught me in a lie about what his number was. We ended up having a nasty fight and he went back to my family and told them what I had done. I ended up having emotional breakdown after breakdown. Apparently my younger brother knew of "S" reputation- apparently he was talking to at least 10 other girls at the same time. Luckily "CW" gave me another chance. In mid-December I was having problems with my boss and regional manager. I was so frustrated that I dropped my keys and walked one night. I had more breakdowns which results in me living with my aunt for three weeks. When I moved back to Jersey I started going to therapy for depression. I've been going every week or every other week since January and let me tell you, it has been a big help!

In mid-January my best friend "A" mentioned that her mom "L" needed help at her printing shop (I had worked in the back the summer before occasionally). I talked to her mom and started tha week. I was only working MWF because I had school on T and R. I was a receptionist- mainly dealing with customer orders. In the beginning of February my boss "L" had to go away for business and asked me to watch her babies while my friend was away at school. I went up there Thursday morning and was supposed to stay thru Monday. Saturday morning my friend showed up randomly. A few minutes later my mom, older brother and his girlfriend showed up. My father had suffered a major heart attack the night before and was in the hospital. My friend and boyfriend both knew the night before and no one told me. I went home to be with my dad. My dad was able to come a week and a half later. After that, things went sour again. My dad has been an alcoholic since before I was born. He also suffers from depresssion and has severe anger problems. Growing up he was never around because he was constantly walking out and abandoning his duties as a parent/husband. So anyway I never got along with my parents but at this particular point we were so horrible I ended up packing up and moving in with my boss for a month. I dropped out of college and worked full time. As i worked more I became friends with "J". We had been friendly the summer before but talked more now. We started flirting and soon started texting. I fixed my relationship with my parents and moved back home at the end of March. My boyfriend found out about the texting and was extremely hurt. I was wrong to be flirting with another man. I just liked the attention. I told my boyfriend that everything was over between me and "J". But secretly I kept that going. I found out he had a pregnant girlfriend who already had three kids and they lived together. He was even in my car one night when he confirmed all that info saying it was too much at times. I ended up writing him a letter saying I was going to back off because I didn't want to screw up his soon-to-be-kid's life. My boyfriend found part of that letter one night he was staying at my house. He broke up with me and left Jersey for a few days. We worked out our problems and got back on track. He forgave me for breaking his heart. I understood he lost trust so I let him go through my phone and whatever- anything to trust me again and he finally does. So anyway "J" wanted more from me physically but not emotionally and that just made me feel used. Plus his life was all drama- first his grandfather died, then he got suspended from work, then his house was robbed, his girl's ex husband was calling DYFS on him, then his only brother committed suicide, then his grandmother died. All drama. His girlfriend found the text messages and texted me threatengin me to back off. I told him about it and he ignored it. A few weeks later she was calling and harassing me. I told her that he had the answers to what was going on and it sounded like she had a personal problem. The next day he refused to talk to me. I called him a **** and that was that. But my job was going downhill. I had another blowout with my family in early July and moved back with my boss. I thought it was the end of me and my family. "L" was only using me. Our work relationship had fallen apart- after 8 months of working there she refused to train me. I was constantly being sent home for the slightest cough. She knew about my depression and loved to talk loudly about it in front of other employees. We had a big blowout one day because she didnt like I was working things out wiht my family. I sat outside in the sun for three hours waiting for my mom which turned out to be my last day. I called out sick the next day which was Friday. The following Monday I could barely talk cuz I was still sick so I emailed in that I was going to be out sick and also gave me two weeks. I was told not to bother to return. "L" harassed me for a week about getting my stuff and she had lent me $300 and wanted that back. She was rude as hell to me even when I finally showed up to get my things. My supposed best friend, her daughter, wont even speak to me. I didnt do anything wrong but she holds it against me. It hurts bad when you see who your true friends are. We got in huge fight through AIM one day and she constantly blames me for all the problems.  Needless to say, we no longer speak. It sucks because some of my stuff is still at her house.

So I became unemployed. I filed for benefits but was denied because the conditions were not severe enough for me to leave (so I guess not being trained and running personal errands for the boss are not severe conditions) I finally scheduled my tonsillectomy surgery that I've been waiting for and once recovered, I was able to get a good job with a Bank.  

Boyfriend and I are still working on our relationship, but theres drama with his family, which I'll have to write about later.