Who am I? Who am I to others? To me, I'm just this regular woman who goes from day to day, curious about what tomorrow will bring. It is a little strange to think about it - to me I just feel like this totally normal girl who doesn't fit into the 27 year lived. I drink my coffee, I have this nasty habit of sleeping those 6 minutes longer in the morning and race off just in time to get my clothes changed to a medium sized uniform which to others should signalize who I am... Or is it who I want to be that it signalizes?

A lot of questions! I'm a mother to a 5 year old girl - 5 years, that's the age when my memories are starting to come up about myself. Is she as tender as I was? Does she feel like she has a mother or does she feel that mom is someone that makes promises and breaks them with a "but hon, it's better another time..." ...?

If I look at myself yet again, I see someone who eagers to do the right thing at the right time. I react when things I say aren't heard. The things that I speak of aren't said for no reason. If I had no reason, I'd be silent about it. Obviously.

Not more than a few weeks ago, there was a tragic accident at one of the Norwegian festivals. Many were injured and got hospital care while two died of CO2 intoxication. You hear about these accidents and react. In a few hours, the tragedy is more distant and someone even forgets that there were persons immediately touched by it.
To this tragedy with the bus, the CO2 intoxication, I did too just read the headlines and walked on. It touched me deeply for a while - maybe because my mother died that way too? Then after two weeks, with a new tragedy at one of the amusement parks in Sweden this whole scenario came back (there were "only" injuries and no deaths in that accident). How do we really react when we hear of someone touched by these tragedies? Do we just go on like nothing happened, like it won't ever happen to us? I don't.

"When someone are touched by grief this way, we need to be sensitive and careful, yet warm."

That's who I want to be to others. If I only can give that much and not wear out, that's who I can be.
Working at a nursing home, that's who you get a chance to be. But you must be able to close the door behind you and go home and keep it to that.

One of the greatest challenges I have noticed with myself is that nursing homes aren't the same as acute care. At the ambulance you transport, you give immediate aid and you make sure that the face of health care that they meet in the first instance is a face that gives comfort and trust to the rest of the system. You say good bye and you know that you might never meet the same person again.
At a nursing home you have continuity. You will meet the same patients day after day .... and my greatest fear is: They'll take too much advantage of it, of me. I can't give a whole hand if I have only one finger. I can't easily draw back because tomorrow is a new day.
Do I go on as if this will never happen to me? Nope. I have plans of living a loooooong life. The day I need a place at a nursing home I am going to be happy to have someone that cares.

Oh well, a whole lot of venting!

A month ago I did the first Final Exam of my entire life. I have two more chances to come through and land on two feet - but this time I didn't pass well enough to keep the trainee-place. At least now I know what I need to work harder on...... Up for new attempt in the fall/winter some time! I do feel bummed, but I had no idea what a final exam meant so at least next time I know almost what I go to....!

I had a late watch at the nursing home last night. All nice and peaceful. It was a good watch right through and presence was really needed. I served one of the caretakers supper in the apartment. She was watching TV about mice. Those cute little buggars was followed in nature.

While I talked with her (she was a little disoriented and her anxiety/restlessness was high), I see in the hook of my eye a motion on the TV that I couldn't mistake: A gray kind of snake was going to eat those cute little mice. All wiggly and horrible. Dreadful! I couldn't just jump to it and turn the TV off and my eyes kept going back to the screen. I am sure that she understood something was going on with me. I was trembling SO bad! I HATE THOSE NATURE PROGRAMS!!!

Can you imagine? Here I've gone for weeks trying to avoid visiting a snake exhibition with my family, and I manage to sneak away from it. My husband came home and had a few pictures from it and warned me that there were going to be pictures on the memory card. Somehow when I was going through the other memory cards, his card had mixed into mine and I stare at it - a moccasin of some kind. My daughter has been giggly about it all week.

The other day I came across another picture, very close one. That was the second trigger, but I did manage to leave both of the images behind. Until yesterday when it all whirled back as I saw the gray thingy on the TV yesterday digest its meal. Ok, they have to live too and I don't mind them being in nature - BUT it was the last thing I ever dreamt of: Being at work at a calm nursing home and having a snake (ok, on TV) behind me eating a meal.

SHIVER! I have the sting in my chest and I didn't sleep well last night and now I really need to calm myself down. I give up! I can't even watch TV and be safe from it. Summer is always worse. Come tell me the snakes aren't in this nature but close ups on TV are absolutely triggers enough!!!

Mood Tracker

After a week's work on and off, I notice my daughter is getting just as tired of it as me. My husband is doing his on-duty-week at the ferry and I've been working more or less all the time since early this week. I have had great support from my in-laws and today is the last day on duty before Tuesday followed by a week off. My daughter and my in-laws are on their way to a birthday celebration for a cousin. A whole lot of talk had to be done from the moment my daughter stepped out of the bathtub this morning. She wanted me to go along with them and was disappointed when I said that I had to work. I still feel bad because I know we should have spent more time together this week. Tomorrow we're going to have to come up with something fun and entertaining to do together. Together is really the key-word.
It is a horrible feeling when she cries so sore. I know that I can't explain that I need to work, that I have a responsibility there too. Family and work can't share place #1...

Oh well, one more afternoon and one more night-duty! Prio has really been off lately and I knew this would happen the day I applied for the job. My stress-levels have shot up to max and I wish I knew how to deal with this.

Yesterday at work I had the first unwarned sting in the chest for a long long time. We were in the pause-room and I was stretching for my coffee-mug. The morning had been tight and we were one less on duty than expected so the stress was really high. As I stretched for the coffee-mug I had to crunch together for the pain and take a minute's silent moment to myself. The two nurses on duty got all worried and asked: "Are you 'tacking now?"
I explained to them that this is absolutely normal to me.
I know why I quit working at the nrusing home the first time: The heavy duties in the morning to get 19 persons out of bed in 2 hours was too much intense work for me to walk free of the high costal breathing. Give me a one-hour job at the ambulance with intense stress and I don't get this sting at all - one should really think that it would be the other way around and that a nursing home was much better for me but no...

At least now I am aware of it and can try to remember to breathe more relaxed. It just angers me so much. I need to get going with the physical fitness again but I'm terrified of destroying my knee with wrong exercises before I even know how what's wrong with it.