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weird dreams I want to eventually figure out

Mar 12, 2013 - 0 comments
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I realized that when I'm involved with a guy i start having weird dreams.. I want to keep track because next semester I will take a dream course and I want these...

1) My cat's front legs were cut off and he was bleeding everywhere. He bite my arm and I was bleeding. It got into my mouth and I struggled to spit it out. I was crying for my cat.

2) I was on a ladder with several other people - strangers.. It was in the ocean but not to far out. There was a whale that was jumping up and grabbing people to eat them. It ate someone from the ladder and everyone screamed.. Then it went behind the ladder and jumped onto the shore and grabbed a nude women .. a blonde older woman. She was screaming as I watched the whale swallow her. I jumped off the ladder and quickly swam to shore. I lived.

this is from a while back..one I never forgot:
I was in a neighborhood I didn't recognize when all the sudden the roof of a house fell and suddenly the town was flooded. The water was cold and crystal clear. Everyone was taken with the river flow. As I was being tossed around by the forceful water I noticed many around me struggling but I could barely swim myself. All the sudden while under the water I saw a little boy, about 6 years old, struggling to keep his head above water. So I grabbed his arm and pushed him up to get air while I stayed under water. Then somehow I got all the energy (I didn't previously have ) and was able to save us both.

this weekend

Mar 11, 2013 - 0 comments

So this weekend my new love interest came over and we spent saturday night together. I'm not sure how I feel right now about him. I do really like him but also I'm not sure if this is a good idea. Maybe I just needed to meet him to find myself to have him open me up and explore a little. To prepare me for my true love. Or is he my true love? How do we know ? I'm so confused.

Something I want to take note of is the way we are in bed together. I always knew I was a little different because of the things I watch in porn that turn me on. I have rape fantasies and enjoy watching women get brutally F'ed.. I always wanted to ask for more rough things with old bf's but I always felt that I would be viewed as crazy or something but my current guy accepts it and he is the same way as me. This weekend he choked me during sex to the point where I thought I would pass out... and I loved it. He threw me over and placed my body how he wanted it and pulled my hair. It hurt so good.

I guess the reason I find this behavior important to take note on is because I'm wondering if my pleasure in this has anything to do with the abuse I was subject to as a young child. I'm a work in progress here and I wish I could find help or have a therapist to maybe... i dont know.. give me a label.. so I don't feel frustrated or crazy...

Right now I feel like I'm holding back from really falling for this guy because I know that I can't allow myself to really get crazy since he and I share so many mutual friends. I don't want my name getting out there. and I know I have the tendency to go totally crazy. In fact I've already done some stupid things to him.... I texted him mean things from a different number. He was involved in a situation last year that hurt him and he got really depressed. He lost his gf over it and his job and now is back in school to get his masters degree to get a career change. I won't go into details here but he messed up big time and yes he paid for it. I actually found out myself when I googled his name and I was embarrassed to be dating him and mad that he didn't tell me and I had to ask him. Anyway so I texted him and said nasty things...why? I have no idea.... I was just mad at him because I saw he liked some girls pictures on instagram. I wanted him to feel like **** for it but not know that I was the one who wanted it .. This is the kind of stuff that has my mind confused. How could I do that to someone I like? How could in that moment I suddenly think he is a nasty piece of ****. ??

New romance

Mar 07, 2013 - 0 comments

So in my last entry I talked about a guy I was talking to and really liked.Well, that ended and ended pretty bad. I did it again. I went crazy on him. He and I were talking and texting back and forth when he said that he would never get serious and that that would just naturally happen. I started thinking about my ex and how he had commitment issues and I get pissed off. I told him to please stop contacting me but then he had some dumb comments to say to me. Said "I don't see you being the one for me".... it got me mad because I never said he was the one for me all I said was I am no ones casual fling. Anyway, I stalked him for about a month. Looked up all his info let him know I did it so he would feel scared. I insulted him and hurt his feelings. No, I don't feel good about what I did or how I act but I can't control it. I only realize it all after its all said and done. Like I said... its like this little devil wakes up and in the snap of your fingers I'm a different person.

Anyway, I have been dating a new guy now and the feelings are completely mutual. I actually went to HS with this guy and we reconnected through facebook about 2 months ago. We have been talking everyday and hanging out here and there. It would be more but he lives 1.5 hours away.. I tried to break it off twice already because I noticed myself acting up but he forced me to talk about my feelings. It was hard for me to do but he made me feel really comfortable. I'm happy about this and happy with him. I don't want to hurt him though so I really hope I can control my impulsive behavior and learn some new coping skills.

It's really scary to me to face borderline personality disorder but I'm trying my best. I'm trying to understand that this guy is not perfect and he will make mistakes. But somedays I look at him and think hes just amazing and I want to serve him... do anything for him... but then on the days he does or says something that upsets me I think hes a piece of **** and a disgusting douche...

I need to remember the good moments and try to work this out. I think with his help i will be fine but will he be able to always work with me and understand me? Will he become annoyed with me always assuming the worst and being mean sometimes? Jealous and whinny. ? Oh god help me!

nervous!

Jan 07, 2013 - 0 comments

okay... so it's been about 5 months since my ex and I split. I have been avoiding men because I'm scared of myself. I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over. I don't want to be scared of a man leaving me and that's always what happens. I tried to get therapy but it turned out to be too expensive and I had to look into self help books. That just isn't working for me though.

Anyway, I met a guy and I'm really into him. A part of me hopes he doesn't like me and he leaves me quickly before I become too attached. I don't know how to handle relationships and it's scary. Im 26 years old now and I want things in life... family and all, but how will I get those things if I keep acting like a clingy baby. The guy I'm seeing now isn't even serious with me yet. We've hung out only a couple times but he lives an hour away and we've been talking everyday for about 2 months. We haven't been intimate yet but I'm almost ready to move into that step. The problem is that once I have sex with a man I become attached quickly! I just know as soon as we do that I will start becoming insecure. I already feel insecure which is just unbelievable. When I am not dating anyone I am on top of the world. How can love make me weak? I mean I know this kind of happens for everyone but this is way different. I start hating myself, thinking I'm ugly and how could he possibly love me?

I wish I had guidance. I don't know what to do. I just want to love and be loved back and for once believe that someone can actually love me.