Mar 07, 2013
So in my last entry I talked about a guy I was talking to and really liked.Well, that ended and ended pretty bad. I did it again. I went crazy on him. He and I were talking and texting back and forth when he said that he would never get serious and that that would just naturally happen. I started thinking about my ex and how he had commitment issues and I get pissed off. I told him to please stop contacting me but then he had some dumb comments to say to me. Said "I don't see you being the one for me".... it got me mad because I never said he was the one for me all I said was I am no ones casual fling. Anyway, I stalked him for about a month. Looked up all his info let him know I did it so he would feel scared. I insulted him and hurt his feelings. No, I don't feel good about what I did or how I act but I can't control it. I only realize it all after its all said and done. Like I said... its like this little devil wakes up and in the snap of your fingers I'm a different person.
Anyway, I have been dating a new guy now and the feelings are completely mutual. I actually went to HS with this guy and we reconnected through facebook about 2 months ago. We have been talking everyday and hanging out here and there. It would be more but he lives 1.5 hours away.. I tried to break it off twice already because I noticed myself acting up but he forced me to talk about my feelings. It was hard for me to do but he made me feel really comfortable. I'm happy about this and happy with him. I don't want to hurt him though so I really hope I can control my impulsive behavior and learn some new coping skills.
It's really scary to me to face borderline personality disorder but I'm trying my best. I'm trying to understand that this guy is not perfect and he will make mistakes. But somedays I look at him and think hes just amazing and I want to serve him... do anything for him... but then on the days he does or says something that upsets me I think hes a piece of **** and a disgusting douche...
I need to remember the good moments and try to work this out. I think with his help i will be fine but will he be able to always work with me and understand me? Will he become annoyed with me always assuming the worst and being mean sometimes? Jealous and whinny. ? Oh god help me!