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This pain in my heart will never subside..

Nov 16, 2012 - 2 comments

To this day every time I think about you my heart starts racing and tears come to my eyes. I can't help it, I just love and miss you so much. Lando you were my everything. Although our relationship was complicated and confusing. I loved you unconditionally to my very soul. I tried everything to make you happy. I'm so sorry it wasn't enough. It hurts so much knowing that I will never be able to see your gorgeous smile again. What am I supposed to do Lando? You were the one I went to for everything. Literally. Remember that one night you told me your whole life story an I told you mine? From that moment I knew you were a very special person, and that I was going to give you my heart. If I could I'd trade places with you I would in a heartbeat! So that you can have a second chance and be with all of the people who love you so much. I can't believe you didn't know how loved you are. Sooo many people care about you and miss you. There's so many things I wish would have happened differently but I'd give up anything just to have you back here. Only if I had half of the guts you had to do it. I don't... I wish I did. Then I'd be up there with you already. I think about it everyday constantly. But I can't bring myself to do it. I think of all the things it would do to my family financially and mentally. But that just makes me more depressed like that's it I'm stuck here in this misery to suffer. I hate having these thoughts. I hate not having you here. Ive tried to confide in other people like I did with you but it is just not the same. I just want you. I was depressed when you were here but you made it okay. Now that your not here anymore things have gotten so much worse. Please Lando if you hear me help me let me know you're here with me still. Make it okay please. I hurt I hurt so bad. I need you..

Self harm...

Nov 14, 2012 - 2 comments

I want to cut myself. But I can't. I wish I could. It takes so much for me not to. It hurts. Not the cutting but not being able to do it. I know it's good that I don't but when I do it. It feels so good. It takes the pain away from my heart for a quick second. But then I'm left with an ugly scare and people's stares and questions. People say when people cut themselves it's for attention. Well maybe for some but for others it's a way to relieve the pain from inside and projecting it on something else to make them feel better even if its just for a quick second.