I am really concerned about sticking to my new life style.  I don't know if I will always be able to maintain it.  I am not sure where to go from here.  I am sure that I could use additional help to stick to this but since I live in the middle of nowhere there isn't an NA.  If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.  
Thank You.

I know that all my journal entries sound the same and have a similar theme but I feel as if I am drowning in my emotions.  I feel guilty and sorry for everything.  Part of me wants to turn back time and make things different but this happened for a reason, so that I could learn from this and move on.  Of course it is a struggle and it is a f***ing tough one.  Somedays are more challenging than other.  Yesterday and today seem really bad, I would rather be having the withdrawals symptoms than this depression feeling.  It doesn't help that last night I didn't get a minute of sleep.  My left side of my face is throbbing because I either have a sinus infection or a cavity that is infected.  That is what the dr in ER told me when I was there at 3:30 AM because I couldn't take it anymore.  I thought I had TMJ and they would give me a muscle relaxers and I would feel better.  No such luck, I have Amoxicillian and you all know how long that takes to kick in.  I really want to curl up in bed and not get out but I have responsibilities.  Number 1 to my son, number 2 to my job.  I just am having a really hard day and wondering when things will start looking up again.  WHEN??  Please help me, I am tired of feeling like this and I don't want to go back to feeling nothing either.

When I first started taking vicodin, it was every once in awhile to get a little high, then slowly I began taking in everyday no more than what I was prescribed, eventually it became so bad I had to go to 2 doctors to support my habit and was still running out.  I ended up stealing and lieing to my husband about his scripts.  I would tell him that I wasn't on anything and I was.  He would always find out and he is at wits end with me.  He his seriously ready to leave me, but he is a hypocrit.  He is an addict too.  He would take my pills when I would have them and then lie to me about it.  I wouldn't say anything to him unless I had absolute proof that he was lieing to me.  So when I would confront him and say that he lies to me, he would say that he doesn't do it as often so it isn't as bad.  We both need to clean up for good for our son who is 9 months old today.  If I clean up and he doesn't I don't know if I can stay it will be much too tempting to try and steal some from him.  (He hides them on me and locks them up)  Thankfully, because sometimes I just want one so bad I search through everything and would make up a lie to get 1.  I hate this when can I be the person I used to be not obsessed by drugs and when I can get high?  When will I feel normal again?  I truly hate who I have become!!! Help me, I am drowning in my own guilt.

At 6pm tonight I will have made it through 12 days, so why do I feel so exhausted and like ****?!  So today instead of taking it one day at a time, I am back to taking it 1 hour at a time.  I feel like I am going to cry, I just want to curl into a ball and go to sleep, if I could fall asleep.  I just want to know when all of this **** will end?!  I hate feeling like this it makes me feel like getting back on the damn pills just so I could function normally, but I don't want to do that.  I know that will not make things better.  My son is 9 months old today and I live everyday for him, but if I keep doing what I am doing I won't live to see him grow up.  I am poisoining my body and now my body thinks it needs this **** to survive.  That isn't true, I can make this, I will survive this, it is just tough.  I am just so glad that I found this forum to help me get through this.  I don't think I could have made it this far on my own.  I can't go into rehab my son would not have a place to go and I don't want my job to find out.  I am just using this journal to vent how I am feeling today.  Like **** of course.  But tomorrow will be a new day and hopefully better than today.