I havnt been on much latley, due to personal stuff going on and planning this party for my twin boys and their dad...it is tomorrow Sat the 19th i am really dreading it, I have had a really extra hard time latley w cravings, usually they hit and then go away but this time they are just hanging around driving me crazy...I couldnt go back on my promise for this party which has ended up close to 200 ppl and most will be staying the night so there wont be no drinking and driving...the age span is going to be from 17 up to 50's lmao that should be funny, anyway there is going to be alot of pills and other stuff floating around, nobody but my son and husband even know that i am an addict so i cant get mad at our friends when they offer them to me....I am going to be praying for god to keep me strong and hope who ever reads this if anyone will say a prayer for me.....I am going to need all the prayers i can get on this one...This for sure will be the biggest test that has come my way sense i have quit...
So that is why too i havnt been on much getting all this togather and prolly wont be on from now till prolly Sun if things get to bad tomorrow i will sneek in and ask all my friends here to help me...
god bless you all
bobby

Sorry to have worried so many ppl...I just got home and see all my PM's thank you all for caring where i have been!!
I cant get back to each one of you today just dont feel good enouph but wanted to let ya all know that no i havnt relapsed i know it seems i have been close latley but no it isnt going to happen...I had a long night w husband and not in good way lol   and around 2 am i had a seizure it was worse then the normal ones i get, they couldnt wake me up for almost a hour so had to go to hospital this time and they just kept me and gave me medicine and just wanted to keep a eye on me, i am fine, head hurts alittle well alot and muscles but will be just fine...Terriable timing with the big party that is this weekend i am giving for my boys and husband errrr....
Thanks agian for so many caring.
Love ya all
bobby

This weekend it hit me right between the eyes on what it is like to be on the other side of addiction and the danger it can put a family in. As most know my family and i went up to the mountains for 4 days for my husband and twin boys b-days.. My twins turned 17 and wanted a party up in the mountains so we did, told all their friends that they had to spend the night if they came up, we got them their own camp sites which were across the fild from us which the timber was so thick you could barley see them which they liked and i thought was a good idea at the time. We had decided to camp in the camping grounds this time we were the only ones there at the time. As you know i am an addict to pills which i am in 70 something days clean and my husband is addicted to booze and not clean..he has been trying not to drink on the weekdays just weekends and then hopefully the plan anyway to finally quit all togather but dont see it happening....
Sat morning there came about 50 or more ppl that camped between me and my boys camp, very scary lookin ppl, anyway they started drinking the morning they got there till sun night when they finally left...Sat the day the boys were going to have their party that night those ppl were totally lite and started shooting guns fianlly a sheriffs unit came though and stopped and told them to stop and to calm down and though out the day stopped there 3 or 4 times and each time would take a few away. but the sheriff knew my husband and stopped and said hi so of course all those guys thought we had called them so after they left they started yelling terriable things at us on how they were going to get even and how they were going to kill us, **** like that which we just ignored..that night the boys party started and my brother came up to say hi, i had begged my husband not to drink that i was afraid there was just to much that could go wrong w the kids or those guys and that i needed him well he didnt listen...while my brother was there two of those guys were leaving and drunk off their *** and yelled at my little girl who was getting some wood in the trees and told her to get the **** out of there and how they were going to rape her mom and all this other ****, my brother got pissed and lost his temper and told them to stop which they did and he was yelling something about talking to a little girl that way and they started getting out of the truck my husband came running and i kicked the driver side door shut on one of the guys and my brother did the same on the other side while my husband stood there asking what was going on...to make a long story short they finally left the other guys were watching and even more pissed and my brother left to come home not realizing my husband was that drunk which i didnt even at the time, so after all that we got in the jeep to take the chairs to my boys it was about 11pm by now we dropped them off and i told them to b careful of those guys and if there was a problem to call me as my husband and i and my little girl was driving back to camp my husband drove off the road and right into those guys camp not knowing what the hell he was doing cuz he was so drunk, the guys of course started yelling even worse things as my husband got out of there and finally got us to camp were he fell out of the jeep and i had to help him in the motorhome were he broke the handle to the door and the door to were it wouldnt shut but half way...he passed out of course and there i was alone w my little girl in a motorhome with door half open, i could reach the chain to it but what good is that when someone wants in. put my little girl down and she feel right to sleep, i took my gun and went and set in the trees in the dark so i could watch out for my family, was right by the motorhome and could only see the fire from my boys and couldnt go down there without those others seeing me, they were leaving the boys alone thank god but kept coming over to our jeep and motorhome though out the night just to try and scare us by throwing pine cones at it and at our jeep and saying **** real low, daughter thank god slept though it all and hubby never did wake up...Those guys had no idea i was in the trees watching them w my gun pointed right at the *** holes...
My point is as i sat there alone and scared to death i realize what the other half of addiction feels and how it can put your family in so much danger and the crazy part is as i sat there i myself was craving my pills so bad and thinking how dumb that was if i was stoned who would of taken care of my kids, i realized no matter how strong the cravings get i have to stay clean for my kids sake, and i also wonder and makes me sick to think how many times in their lives have they been in danger and i was to stoned to know?????????
This mom will stay straight!!

I dont understand after all this time why i have terriable days like this....i am wanting a pill so bad and feel like i dont give a **** almost like i want to be a addict agian, it was easier...i know it sounds stupid but that is how i feel sometimes and just wanting to hide away from the world, days like this i feel almost like i am having w/ds and just want to curl up in a dark cornor and just get high...i know its all in my head and i am trying to fight it as hard as i can. I cant even bring myself to post this time so i am taking the chicken **** way out lol,,, I just need time to myself and i will be ok