I have a condition that makes me sensitive to others and I don't know what it is lol. But, it also gets me in trouble. How am I supposed to be anyone but who I am? I have suppressed who I am for so long now, that I have become isolated and hurt even more but I don't know how to get back. When I was little I knew I was different from everyone else. I remember always being picked on and teased. I remember being a loner and playing by myself on the playground, but I didn't understand. I still really don't understand. I know there has to be a great number of wonderful people out there. I have been so hurt for so long, that I don't know how to trust like I used to. I used to trust anyone, to the point of foolishness. I used to talk to anyone about anything and this was how I was since I was very small. I talk a lot and always have, and have been ridiculed or judged because of it. Now, I feel that because of it there is something wrong with me rather than there being something right. Deep in my heart I know that whatever caused me to be an outcast as a child, to be clumsy then and clumsier now, to have bad coordination, to be sickly, etc...has really shaped how I am today. See, I write my feelings out on paper and I still am talkative, but I don't even bother making friends in person anymore because people don't understand me. I have OCD or obsessive traits, but I think it goes deeper than this. I have always cared about other people more than I have really ever cared about myself for the most part. I always try so hard to be polite, and don't ever want to hurt or offend anyone. Of course, I am so far from perfect and screw this up all the time, but I really do give it my all. I have only been using the internet for two months again. For a long time , I didn't hardly leave my room because it was too hard for me to even sit, or even type. I am an island unto myself or however the saying goes. I have a husband whom I love dearly , but I still feel like an outcast. Why am I like this? Why at 31, do I not even know why I am dealing with all that I am dealing with. I guess it doesn't really matter...but knowing why would help at least a little. Not knowing is the hardest thing for me to accept.

I was awaken early this morning by my mom calling wanting to know what happened and what I knew from my CT scan that I had last night. My hubby told her I was still in bed but that we wouldn't know for a few days at least. At least she cares though. I called my doctor's office yesterday early in the day to make sure they clarified to me why I had been scheduled for an immediate CT scan and to make sure they were actually scanning my kidneys. I was told, (now mind you this is someone who worked in the office not the doctor), that it was for a small hypodense lesion on my ( right kidney) as far as I remember her saying, and for calcium deposits on both my kidneys. Now I believe she said non-obstructive...but they told my husband last Friday when they called it was obstructed so who knows. When I got to the hospital last night around 6:45 pm, they were almost going to send me home and not run the scan because of some kind of miscommunication between them, and the fact that my doctors office never called in to give them a bloodwork order that the Hospital was supposed to request prior to my getting CT contrast. I was pretty dehydrated and very upset by that time because I hadn't had anything to drink for several hours and I have been getting really thirsty and weak on a chronic basis. Also, my doc's office had told me I was supposed to get a pelvic CT too, which the hospital did not have on record. Needless to say, by that time I felt my care had not been optimal. I told them I did not have the money to come back for another scan. I said I wish they would have just put me in the hospital as sick as I have been so I don't have to keep coming back for tests. I should not have to worry about keeping myself hydrated and try to make sure I am getting what I need electrolyte wise every single day without knowing much. Yes, I am getting somewhere, but CMON!  This other poor girl who came in after me was given an order for an abdominal CT and Pelvic CT!. She was sitting right across from us. I overheard them and she goes, um "I think this is the wrong test" , the test I have is for my ear. I didn't know whether I should fall over laughing, or run out of there as quick as I could. I really couldn't believe the lack of coordination. And trust me, it was not busy at that time of night. There were only two of us in the waiting room. Oh, but at least I got to get the abdominal CT. But, I have to wonder if the order they accidentally gave the girl was for me since the doctor's office said I was supposed to have a pelvic CT too. From my understanding from what the girl at the doctor's office said, she is ruling out neoplastic disease. So, Yes I am a bit scared. I am not sure if this is calcification of the kidneys, or just kidney stones. I have no clue yet. But, I really hope they can figure it out soon because I am not feelin too good and I woke up and got sick to my stomach this morning.
ARGHHHHH
God please keep me strong

I had a good first time appointment with an excellent nephrologist yesterday. He was very nice, funny, kind and smart enough that I did not feel like I was going to the butcher. Please forgive my cynical humor, but lately I feel like I have been going through way too much. Today I had an ultrasound of my gallbladder, liver, kidneys, pancreas. I don't know much about that yet, but the lady doing the test where it hurt so bad mentioned it looked like something was going on with kidneys (stones possibly and backup on the right side) I have no idea as far as the rest of the scan. But haha , I am not nuts. So there to you out there who will never even read this, I am not crazy, not in that way lol. Oh and the tech was also nice and this was in a different doctor's office. So, finding good care is possible, but it is so hard sometimes. I still am undiagnosed.

How am I today? Alive....Yes Thank the good Lord I am alive. I just pray he gives me the strength to keep going :) Even if I don't make a big mark in the world, I want to get better enough so I can do something. WHY? I want to make sure that even one or two less people out there on the face of the earth don't have to suffer and be undertreated, or mistreated or whatever the case may be. If one more doctor tries to attribute one more problem I am having to having anxiety I am going to blow a fuse, I really am. It is this that causes me to be anxious. HELLO! I really like my internist, I really do, and maybe it is just me, but I tried to explain that I have been peeing way too much. And she is like well anxiety can cause the bladder muscles to contract and cause you to go more...I won't go into the full discussion. She was nice about it. I was like, I haven't been so anxious lately that it should do that. She gave me detrol though,so that is a good thing. She is pretty good. I just am sick of suffering. What is wrong with this world that they cannot get it!!!!!
How many patients decide on the ultimate out because they cannot take it anymore. I have OCD, but my illness is the primary cause of my problems. It causes me to be depressed. Ocd, yes could be helped more, but I have intrusive thoughts and do not go suffer from thinking I have things like Avian flu, or Ebola, or brain tumors or something. I don't have that kind of OCD. It makes me so angry sometimes. How do I not get angry! How do I not just decide to jump off a bridge. Well, I am not going anywhere, so HAHA, to those of you out there who have mistreated me. HAHA, world I am staying and am gonna kick butt. I am mad, I am sick, and yes I am sore and tired and fed up....but I am not giving up without a fight.
SO THERE
Impatiently Yours
Chelle aka, the Impatient Patient