I was reading the paper this morning on the way to work.  I was reading about the earthquake in China.  One story really brings my problems into context.  A poor man who's wife dead in the quake, everyone else was busy trying to save others that he put her on the back of his motorbike and drove the corpse to the morque himself.  I Must admit i felt so sad for him and his family.  His world will never be the same again and although i try to tell myself there are worse problems in the world than what i have, it doesn't seem to help.  

I never thought I would get to a point in my life where i don't have one aspect in my life that i am happy about,  I have complete sadness at the moment.  Positivity seems to be drained as soon as I hear the birds singing away in the morning sun. The Constant stares by people are enough to drive anyone mad and yet the sound of elton johns rocketman can lift me for 4 minutes.  See Music has been, is and will always be the best medicine for me.  In my darkest hour there is hope if only for a length of a song.

Work used to be a safe place in terms of not having panic attacks but more people seem to stare at me now then they ever did.  What makes you better than me i tell myself but I can't quite build up the courage to say this to them.  Instead i reconfirm what i already know,  I'm so ugly to look at that i would probably laugh at me to if i was them.  

Last night i was listening on my ipod to some music staring at the stars just thinking to myself,  In that 30 seconds i was actually at peace with myself. It felt so good that i cryed.  not the sort of thing a man does but i could not control the tears.  

I was really sweating in bed this morning, not from the sun but from the thought of leaving the house to go to work.  It's now at an all time low.  The sun shining makes maters worse. Why can't people just stop looking at me and smirking to themselves.  I can't stand it.  I finally made it to work everyone thinks i have a sun tan but its just the panic attack in the lift with peoples eyes fixed on the back of my head.  I hate this life at the moment. One day at a time i keep telling myself.  I don't want to self destruct anymore.