“Ugh!” she though as she rolled over to turn off the alarm clock.  “Why did I go to bed so late?”

She immediately starting going over the list of things she had to do that day in her head.

“Let’s see.  I have to get up and make breakfast, the kids need to be dressed, I have those 2 bills I need to take care of, the laundry needs to be sorted, washed, dried and put away.  Then there’s the flowers that need to be watered, the dishes in the sink from last night, the living room needs to be dusted and vacuumed and I can’t forget to feed the fish.  Oh, and then we have to get to the grocery store.  Darn, then there’s that doctor’s appointment at 2 and I hope that we can get done in enough time to meet Mom at 3:30 for lunch!”

She threw the blankets off of herself, lugged herself to the coffee pot, looked around and got started right away.  No time for coffee.  She had no time to waste.  Heck, she didn’t even have time to breathe!

Sound familiar? This is the story of my life.  Day in and day out.  So overwhelmed by all of the daily tasks that one day becomes the next and before I know it 3 weeks have passed unnoticed.  Sometimes I don’t even know what day it is unless I force myself to look at a calendar.  Then I realize that I’m way pass due on 3 different bills, I’ve got another doctor’s appointment tomorrow that I forgot to plan for and I’ve just lost 3 weeks in the blink of an eye.  I often ask myself ‘Where does time go?’

So, I replayed the words of my counselor in my head.  “All you HAVE to do every day, absolutely, no exceptions , is breathe.”  I’ve not heard better advice in I’m not sure how long.  I took his advice.  I sucked in air like there would be none left for dessert.  I let it fill my lungs and I let myself feel it coming back out.  I did it again.  My head began to clear and I looked around me and realized how much I’d been missing.  

The first thing I noticed was that my herb garden that was so hastily shoved aside on my  kitchen window sill had begun to grow quite beautifully.  Looking out the window I saw that my neighbor had planted some new pink flowers underneath her bushes.  They were pretty.   The sky was blue for the first time in days and the clouds actually looked like white pieces of popcorn cotton candy.  The streetlights were on and it was already 9 o’clock in the morning.  Bizzare.

I spent the day picking out the little things.  Those little things that so often go unnoticed.  I watched Michael write his name and smiled when he wrote the ‘C’ backwards.  All in capital letters.  I listened to Brendan as he tried so hard to sing his ‘ABC’s.’  Hard to believe he turns 4 tomorrow.  I watched as they deligently worked together to build a tower of blocks they wanted to name ‘CarCart.’ I counted the kisses I got all afternoon.  By bedtime we were up to 9.

I spent some time talking to friends.  It was on the phone, but it meant the same.  I listened to them.  Their words, their emotions, their voices.  I tried to listen for their smiles, hear it in their voices.  I let myself actually feel the words they were saying.  Not just hear them.    I let myself feel the blessing I had been given by having them in my life.    

I took some time out to make a phone call to that special someone out there.   I sat down to have the conversation instead of running around trying to do things while I talked.  I noticed how funny his jokes really were, and how his laughter was so light.   I took note of the softness in his voice.  One of the things that gives him character.  I picked out the way he said certain words, and how that makes me smile.  I pictured the story he was telling, saw him struggling with his hat in the wind, laughing at how it must have looked.  I was sad that I had let all of the kisses to my forehead go unnoticed.  I promised not to let that happen again.

Now that the day is winding down and it’s nearing bedtime, I realize that my day was actually fulfilling.  I feel as if I spent the day doing the only thing I should have been doing.  Living.  Life is much more interesting when you take the time to slow it down and realize that we don’t have all of the time in the world, but what we do have is right now.  Why fill it with endless worry, scrambling around, and squeezing the lights out of it.  Live it.  That’s what it’s for.  Do the things you need to do, but take notice of it while  you do it.  

Life is out there.  It never went anywhere.  We just forgot where we had set it down.

I suppose that now would be an excellent time for an update, as my mood currently permits.  Life is finally changing for me, thanks to new medications, wonderful counseling, amazing family, outstanding friends and an incredible person who has stood by me through all of it.  I have begun a journey of self exploration which is leading me down an interesting path.  I am learning how to simplify life, reduce stress, know myself and just enjoy life.  All of these things have been plaguing me for several years now, and I was so down and out I didn't have enough strength to come up for air.  It's amazing how sometimes the worse of situations can force us to make positive changes.  I believe there comes a time when our minds, our bodies and our hearts realize enough is enough.  Picking up the pieces is never easy, and finding out how to put them back together is even harder.  It's like doing one of those 5000 piece puzzles.  It takes a lot of time, and enormous amount of patience, and much trial and error - but in the ends it's so worth the beautiful picture that emerges.  This is the meaning of my journey.  I've put the frame together and I'm working piece by piece to get to that beautiful picture.  It's okay if the pieces don't fit together right away.  I'll get there - as long as I keep trying.

Before I end this, I want to do the one thing I've neglected to do for so long.  I want to take a minute to count my blessings and say thanks to those who deserve it...more than anything.

I want to thank everyone here for their kind words and support.  It's nice to know that I've got a place to turn when I need to express myself, or just to remind myself that I'm not alone!!

To my family, whom I know visits this sit from time to time to see what it is I'm up to - You are the greatest.  My mom and dad have been the best parents I could have ever asked for.  They have never judged, but instead stood by my side encouraging, supporting and loving me unconditionally.  My brother has been my rock since as far back as I can remember.  There's nothing I could say that would show my appreciation and gratitude for all he's done for me.  All of the late night talks, the doctors visits, the credit card bills I buried myself in.  So so many things.  My two boys who are truly the inspiration in my life.  It is because of them that I begin this search.  I want to find happiness so that I can give them the best of me.  I want to show them how life is meant to be lived and appreciated, and to show them the kind of love I was shown.  I love you all more than words could say!

To one of my newest friends (you know who you are, and when you stumble upon this page, do not for once think I am not talking about you!).  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I believe that a true friend is someone who loves you for who you are (all of you - the good and the bad!), shares with you the triumphs in your life with happiness and never walks away - even when they don't know what to say!!  You have done all of that and then some.  You may not even realize it, but you have become such a big part of my life in just a short amount of time.  Your love and support has been more than I could ever ask for.  I am so thankful that I was lead to a place where we could find each other an become friends.  I hope that someday I will be able to show you just how much I appreciate what you have done.  I love you!

And to the one who is nothing less than an angel who came to me in the most amazing obscure way.  You have brought new meaning to my life, in ways I did not even know existed.  You have stood by my side, held my hand, wiped away my tears while your own fell from those beautiful eyes.  You carried me when I couldn't walk.  You listened to my troubles and carried them on your shoulders, just to lighten my load.  You walked with me so I wouldn't be lonely.  You turned around so I wouldn't have to look behind.  You held me until the fear subsided.  You gave me your hat * * *  Even when you were away, you were always there.  Even when I looked at you through eyes of uncertainty you never turned away.  There are no words that can express your worth.  I have been blessed to have you in my life.  I will never forget what you have done, and how you have asked for nothing in return.  As our garden blooms, so will love.  Everyday it will remind me of how your presence has been such an inspiration.  With every last inch of my existence  - I love you.

I will leave this with saying that there is light.  Hope exists.  For any of you who are facing the darkness, reach inside and find that light.  It's there.  Listen for the little voice in your heart screaming for release.  You have to listen closely as the voice is very soft, but when you hear it, never forget what it says.  That beautiful picture is there.  You just need to take it one piece at a time.

I swore I wasn't going to post any more poetry, but as I was looking through some of my old stuff I ran across this and thought that maybe someone else out there could relate.  It's my take on my love affair with vicodin, the addiction, the breakup and the feeling that (at the time) I had lost my best friend.  It expresses my rage towards how the drug took my life and just turned it upside down.

Unrelenting Anger

Seeing you here with that smile caressing your pretensious face,
I can almost taste the bitterness of your vicious tongue.
Your eyes aim for mine, but your intentions are blasted away
by my hardened heart.
There is no need for a trip down memory lane to remember
how your touch ignited flames that left me nothing.
The deepening scars screaming down my bleeding heart
still ache with no chance of forgiveness.
I trusted you, I held out my hand, holding out my heart
and you engulfed it  with your lustless palms
and tore down everything I had left.
Your lanky figure now casts shadows
that play off  of my tortured soul.
You had your chance - your turn but your impulsive desires
and your undesirable appetite left me standing at the curb,
cursing the day I let you walk into my already shattered life.
You took the pieces that were left  and pummeled them
into tiny bits of disasterous, crushing desolation.
You are no longer worthy of my being, of my affection
so wasted in the absence in your unrelenting presence.
Nothing said, nor done, could ever redeem you
from what you have caused.
And yet, somehow here I am, staring into your face,
wondering how the same man who destroyed
what was left of my faith in life
could have the same face
of the only man I ever loved.

As I was scrambling around today trying to keep my kids occupied, my house clean, my bills paid and my head on straight I started to get this feeling that I just might be forgetting something.  As I am sitting here now, a bit calmer, it has dawned on me that tomorrow is a special day, a special day for remembering.  A little over 2 years ago I got the news that my best friend Mike had been killed serving our country overseas.  I was devestated not only for myself, but for his family as well.  Mike and I grew up together.  We spent most of our time together growing up, and we rarely were found apart.  We were so close, he and I, that we could finish each others sentences, read each others minds and speak with only our eyes.  This was his second tour in Iraq, and I can remember having to turn off the news whenever they started talking about the war because it scared me to much to think what could happen.  Mike was an amazing man.  He could charm you with his smile, make you laugh at the drop of a dime and knew just what to say when things weren't going right.  Whenever I needed anything, he was there.  There were never any questions asked, never any need to explain. There was nothing that worked better than a hug and a long talk with Mike.  I loved him as I would my brother.  I was thrown into the worst depression I have ever been in after hearing the news.  I couldn't believe it was true, and everyday I would sit by the phone and wait for his calls.  I would stare out the window and watch for the mail man, waiting for word.  This just couldn't be.  Well, reality finally set it, and of course it was inevitable that I finally face up to the fact that this was the way it was going to be.  I miss him everyday.  Tomorrow would have been his 31st birthday.  Whenever I think about crying I just remember his way of living and know that he wouldn't have  wanted tears.  He would have asked for laughter instead.  He would have requested that you turn the radio up and do a silly dance just to make yourself laugh.  I was truly blessed to have him in my life, and he will forever be in my heart.

I am going to try not to post poetry on here all of the time, but this is a piece that I wrote just after Mike passed away.  This was the only way I knew how to say goodbye.  So, as I sit here and think about him this evening, I feel like it's necessary to share the memory of the great man that he was.

Farewell

your body laid out, still, silent
your slim figure dressed in uniform
so formal, so inappropriately replacing
your favorite faded jeans, torn from wear
and your American Eagle Hoodie.
your hand-tousled, carefree curls now trimmed and neat
looking even darker crowning your silver face.
baby fine eyelashes closed,
curtaining sharp blue eyes so cleverly dotted with wit
and lined with trust.
your beautiful smile faded, misshapen
carelessly hiding the dimples you always bragged about.
the quiet sound of sorrow replaces
your playful laugh
often mistaken for charm
and your words
too often taken for granted.
an American flag draped behind you proudly shouts
"It was a fight to the death!"
mocking what you truly stood for.
leaning forward a final kiss is placed upon your lips
leaving behind the taste of memories, bittersweet.
with unspoken orders your casket is closed
your body ceremoniously marched to your resting place.
a soldier marching off to war!
gunshots echo and with a final salute
your body is buried,
my heart right there beside you
a tear still upon your cheek
a single rose upon your grave.
Farewell Mike
Farewell