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A turn for the better?

Feb 17, 2013 - 1 comments
Tags:

Back pain

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Health

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Life

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vicodin addiction

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hydrocodone

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Vicodin Detox

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Detox Success

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milestone

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Addiction

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Vicodin Addiciton

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hydrocodone addiction

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gluten intolerance

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gluten free



Today was so much better than usual. It was way better than what my "normal" has become this past year. The best part is, it wasn't the only day like that this week. It was probably the second or third time I've had that great of a day (considering all my other health issues still trying to get in the way). But I felt happy and finally, alive.
Everyone scared me about Tramadol and getting addicted to it, so I've been so careful. I took 200 mg one day and freaked out. (this was within a 24 hour period...EXACTLY how the drug is supposed to be taken, lol) I just can't stand the thought of going through this again so I get overly stressed about it at times.
However, yesterday I went the whole day without it and did great. I took it today for this nagging sharp pain in my shoulder, but it didn't help in the least...So I will not be taking it anymore. If it's not helping, there's no need for it.
The crappy part is, I've tried ibuprofen (a big no no for my tummy) and Tylenol and they didn't help either. I have to tough it out! It's frustrating when it's such a sharp pain!
I've had two chiropractor visits already. I always feel weird after he works on me. All the adjusting makes me feel out of it the rest of the day. I still have two more visits left (4 visits were prepaid) to determine whether this is a viable, long term solution for managing my back pain. It's not looking like that so far but it's not as short term as taking medication every day, so it's still a step forward. I'm still waiting for my referral for pain management. (my doctors ROCK! not.) It's been a week and a half so I'm going to have to call on Monday.

I did hit a first milestone yesterday. I'm going to spend Sunday with my whole family to celebrate my baby bro's 10th birthday. My grandparents' house was one of my sources of Vicodin, besides prescription. My Nana said she was not going to be getting anymore refills, but she tends to lie to me and "trick me" with things I need or want to hear, so I'm not sure if it's true. I was thinking "What the heck, it has been 20 days without it, taking one will only help my back pain while I'm there. If she offers or has any, I might as well take it." Immediately after, I realized how absurd I sounded trying to reason with myself. Then I really thought about it. I tried to remember what the "high" feeling and euphoria of hydrocodone. I couldn't remember it. I literally couldn't shake the memory of talking a million miles per minute and being excited over absolutely nothing and feeling like I had too many cups of coffee. My brain couldn't recall the heavenly, social, happy feelings attached with the high...Just the downsides of it. It was so strange, yet exhilarating. I felt renewed like I had finally made it over the hump.

I still have a ways to go, but I'm working HARD at it. I'm 95% positive I've been battling a gluten allergy my whole life and that it could be the root of all my stomach problems. SO, I've been shopping around and this week I'm starting a gluten-free diet. I'm going to try it for a few weeks and see if there's any difference. I'm allergic to so many things...Peanuts, different fruits, some medications, animals, soy, etc. The list is ridiculous. Adding gluten to this list would not surprise me at all.
Hopefully it helps.

Feeling a little hopeless...

Feb 12, 2013 - 2 comments
Tags:

hopeless

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Pain

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Back pain

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Health

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prescription

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prescription meds

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Addiction

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dependency

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fatigue

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no energy

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Vicodin

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Poor Health



I currently feel like a complete prisoner to prescription medications. I want my life back...I want my health back...I want my happiness back...I can't live like this anymore! I'm beginning to feel like this is it. This is forever, my life will be this way till the day I die. No interest in seeing friends, keeping friends, maintaining friendships. No energy to spend REAL quality time with family without feeling fatigued and grumpy. No ambitions or motivations. A MUCH less-than-perfect relationship.
I hate living this small and insignificantly. I don't have any sort of purpose in my life at this point...I have no energy to care or thrive.

I've read such horror stories about people trying to get off of Effexor and Cymbalta. I've searched and searched for good, positive success stories and found an endless amount of stories that terrified me. Months of withdrawals, a full year or more of hell...I don't even know if it's work breaking free from these chains.
One person said their doctor told them they would just have to be on Cymbalta for the rest of their lives, as it was the "best thing to do for your brain chemistry". I'm so sick of feeling like a prisoner to this crap.

I want my old life back. I NEED to feel healthy and alive again. I know I'm physically alive, but I feel dead.
I just want to lay/mope around because I don't even know how to begin this mess I've gotten myself in to. This mess my DOCTORS who I TRUSTED, got me in to. With no warning at all, here's a medication that will SCREW up your life forever! Hope it helps!

I got over the Vicodin hurdle, but life isn't any better. I often feel like I miss the Vicodin because it was only at those moments of taking it that I could feel something. I felt happiness, enthusiasm, love. I know it's not healthy and I quit that stuff for the best, but I can't help but miss the only glimpses of happiness I had at this point. I would LOVE to exercise but I can't even clean my room and do regular household chores. When I try to make myself, I feel as if I'm going to pass out or vomit. It makes me physically ill to the point where all I could do is cry from helplessness. I am a germophobe (not a word, but it's what I call it) and an organized, neat freak. It is extremely out of character to be living in the state I am right now. My room is a mess. There's clutter everywhere. The dust is thick. The rug hasn't had a good cleaning in who knows how long. My bathroom shower is getting more disgusting everyday. All of it makes me cry. The worst part about it is I have a partner that doesn't help the situation at all. He works more than me but he also sees how this is all killing me and still doesn't lift a finger around here. I have to tell him to do things and even then he forgets to finish things (such as leaving the clothes in the dryer for TWO DAYS) or leaving hampers of clean clothing around our bedroom.

I'm even at the point where I want out of this damn relationship because it's really not helping my situation in the least. I love him with all of my heart and I know it's real but I just am not fully in this right now. The worst of it all is that I live in his house with his parents. I have no place else to go. I'm 25, still in school, and have a part time job that doesn't give near enough hours to move out on my own. So I feel stuck. I feel stuck in so many aspects of my life right now.
I don't even know where to begin or what to fix first. The Vicodin was a start but it's only a small dent in this huge issue. I'm also going to a Chiropractor for my back pain. I researched a bunch of psychiatrists covered by my insurance because I'm only on my mom's insurance till the end of this year and won't be able to afford being dependent on ANY medications once that happens. I still have so far to go...

The worst is that I lack the energy to do things I know will help me. I've tried Vitamins...I can't do caffeine anymore because I've grown sensitive to it because of the medications I'm on. I went back to Effexor because the Cymbalta put me in a fog 24/7 and gave me Restless legs and arms. I couldn't stand the feeling anymore.

I feel so helpless/hopeless right now. Don't know where to turn anymore.

Day 8...?

Feb 03, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Vicodin

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Vicodin Detox

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day 8

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Back pain

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nerves

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muscle aches

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hydro

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hydrocodone

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Opiate

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opiate addiction

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opiate withdrawal

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Narcotics

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prescription medications



My mental state is like a million bucks today. But my body feels like I ended up standing in front of a car last night. It's not something to joke about, I know...but there's not ONE single part that doesn't hurt right now. I have a headache (a nagging one behind my eyes) that won't go away and my back is killing me...I also have had weird pains in my sides, where my curves are underneath my ribcage. Those muscles are super sensitive and in killer pain right now. It's been that way for 3 days already. Tylenol doesn't help.

I was better at work today than yesterday, but still can't imagine conquering the most likely 10hr day I will have to face on Tuesday. We're having an event at the portrait studio I work at...People can bring in their little kids and babies to dress like angels and cupid for valentines day and all that fun stuff. It's the most popular event every year and it's usually hell to work even when I've been healthy, so I'm really dreading it. My manager leans on me like I'm an assistant manager so I feel lots of extra pressure this year and will most likely be there the entire day. My back is going to be shot by the end of Tuesday. Yikes.

So besides not being excited about this week, things are feeling a little more hopeful. I was able to sleep decently last night, considering the severe panic attack. I think the Ativan is responsible for that.
There's so much I want to get done but my body hurts too bad to do anything. I hate it. My mind wants to start knocking things off of my neglected list but my body is saying "No way!!!"

I feel like ALL of my insides are at war right now. My muscles and nerves are like "this body is not big enough for the both of us!" LOL It really hurts.

Anyway no cravings today. I just want to stop feeling so antisocial and zombie-like already.

Day 7

Feb 03, 2013 - 0 comments

Seriously ready to stand in the middle of the street be smashed by a car right now. I don't know how much more I could take. Something doesn't feel right about all of this...I'm not sure what it is. I can't handle any of this anymore.