Mar 28, 2013
So now that my past is done, I can get into more of the recent things. So now I hardly ever talk to D. I have been pushing him off so much because 1. I felt naïve for ever believing him 2. I was hurt and 3. I want something more to my life. It was a good learning experience that filled my needs at the time, but I want to grow up, and I realized the reason I was numb and depressed those years I was with him was because of him and his situation. Blowing him off seems to be working better at getting him to realize I want more than it was to actually say it. Whenever I said I wanted it broken off, he’d turn his manipulative charm on that would suck me back in by making me think he cared. Not anymore. I don’t need him, and I don’t need anyone that will make me feel like that. Relationship status isn’t the only thing I’m trying to change either. I’m also trying to change my faith.
Not my religion, my faith. I don’t believe that ONE and ONLY one religion is right. So because of my past and how much school had been trying to screw me over (since I had to put off placement this semester due to the 2 months of being incredibly sick), I have been trying to find God. Every time I had prayed for him to help me, he wouldn’t. It would continue to be painful and sometimes would get worse. I didn’t understand then, but now I realize how strong of a woman I am, and that’s why he did it, but I didn’t understand why he was still trying to teach me at the age of now 20 (turning 21 soon). My best friend, B from a couple of journals ago, texted me saying she ate nuts and if she had an allergic reaction and died, that I was her best friend too. It made me so worried, and with all the anxiety I have been feeling lately, I broke down. This was at like 12 am when I had a 5 am wake up for school on Tuesday. I cried and said “God, if you’re supposed to love all of us, why are you taking away good people?! Prove to me you’re there.” That night passed, and I only got a bit of sleep.
Yesterday was so up and down. I found out my friend was okay, my other friend Br and I had a fun time just hanging out, we met with our irritating group that reassigned me a new part after I had already done my original part, a girl in my group said I should have been there Sunday even though I had my Toronto trip planned for months now, that same girl laid down at our meeting and didn’t contribute anything but dumb questions, I was starving all day because my lunch went bad, and then my teacher who had been so understanding of my situations lately yelled at Br and I because of something SHE never clarified. This ticked us off and it made Br so mad she teared up since she has been going through some things too. We went straight to the head of the department after we finished our quiz and she was SO understanding and was on our side. She also told me I would still be able to graduate on time (given my placement was being put off, I was told I may not be eligible, so it got me so worried). She just made us so much more relieved. She told us that if our teacher was to make us feel uncomfortable, she would speak with her directly. So my friend invited me over to her house after until I could get a hold of my mom for a ride home. As we were crossing the street, along with 10 other people, we walked by this guy that was just standing there. At first I was like “why in the world isn’t he crossing?!” We were JUST passing him when he yelled “Ladies!” We had a talk about God. He asked if we believed, why or why not, if we lived in religious homes, and he wasn’t pushy at all. It was like conversation more than anything. We gave him our numbers since he said there was going to be a meeting to help people find God. Just as we walked away I told Br I broke down the night before asking for a sign, and then this happened. She was just as mind blown as I was. We felt surprisingly light, like a weight was lifted off of us. I felt genuinely and completely happy, and knock on wood, I haven’t had an anxiety attack since! We were sitting there in shock as we discussed how it wasn’t a coincidence when her nana, who is religious after a VERY hard time, called and explained “God is a spirit, and he takes care of our spirits since that’s what makes up most of human beings” We were done. Lol. Absolutely mind blown. I prayed and thanked God for the sign, and I just feel changed.
Like I said, I don’t believe one religion is right. I, personally, would not follow rules like abstaining, reading the bible daily, etc., but I will have my own ways. I will pray in times of need as well as times I am grateful for. Just knowing MAYBE there’s something there that will help me through when the world turns its back on me is enough for me. It’s weird. I wouldn’t have ever guessed I’d start to believe.
As for “Love” I don’t love anyone, but M is the closest thing to it. He makes me smile so much. He feels like I could care for him, and that I could talk to him easier. Because of this, I warned him of my walls I have built and how it will be hell. His response? I’ll be taking them down by the boxes. After last weekend of me being in Toronto, and the conversation we had last night, things are starting to progress a little. I’m only scared that I’ll give him mono from when I got it in December and then again at the end of January (relapse). I don’t want to rush it though. Because I met him last August on my birthday, and I haven’t seen him since due to life getting in the way, I don’t REALLY know him, yet I do at the same time. I’ve always been older than my years, and I’m ready to find someone in the same mindset. I don’t want to screw it up with sex too soon, though it’s been 8 months (almost) of talking. It’s a confusing time also because I still haven’t asked my friend who liked him about 2-3 years ago if it was okay. And that is scaring me since I don’t want to lose her, yet I don’t want to lose him, and it’s going to suck if I have to end up choosing.
That’s all for now :)