All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

Not so new anymore. Love and Surprisingly sort of religious

Mar 28, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Religion

,

religious

,

religion/faith

,

My Faith

,

searching for faith

,

Love

,

moving on

,

appreciation

,

you are appreciated

,

Depression

,

dealing with anxiety

,

Anxiety

,

Anxiety Disorder

,

stress

,

Stress and anxiety



So now that my past is done, I can get into more of the recent things. So now I hardly ever talk to D. I have been pushing him off so much because 1. I felt naïve for ever believing him 2. I was hurt and 3. I want something more to my life. It was a good learning experience that filled my needs at the time, but I want to grow up, and I realized the reason I was numb and depressed those years I was with him was because of him and his situation. Blowing him off seems to be working better at getting him to realize I want more than it was to actually say it. Whenever I said I wanted it broken off, he’d turn his manipulative charm on that would suck me back in by making me think he cared. Not anymore. I don’t need him, and I don’t need anyone that will make me feel like that. Relationship status isn’t the only thing I’m trying to change either. I’m also trying to change my faith.

Not my religion, my faith. I don’t believe that ONE and ONLY one religion is right. So because of my past and how much school had been trying to screw me over (since I had to put off placement this semester due to the 2 months of being incredibly sick), I have been trying to find God. Every time I had prayed for him to help me, he wouldn’t. It would continue to be painful and sometimes would get worse. I didn’t understand then, but now I realize how strong of a woman I am, and that’s why he did it, but I didn’t understand why he was still trying to teach me at the age of now 20 (turning 21 soon). My best friend, B from a couple of journals ago, texted me saying she ate nuts and if she had an allergic reaction and died, that I was her best friend too. It made me so worried, and with all the anxiety I have been feeling lately, I broke down. This was at like 12 am when I had a 5 am wake up for school on Tuesday. I cried and said “God, if you’re supposed to love all of us, why are you taking away good people?! Prove to me you’re there.” That night passed, and I only got a bit of sleep.

Yesterday was so up and down. I found out my friend was okay, my other friend Br and I had a fun time just hanging out, we met with our irritating group that reassigned me a new part after I had already done my original part, a girl in my group said I should have been there Sunday even though I had my Toronto trip planned for months now, that same girl laid down at our meeting and didn’t contribute anything but dumb questions, I was starving all day because my lunch went bad, and then my teacher who had been so understanding of my situations lately yelled at Br and I because of something SHE never clarified. This ticked us off and it made Br so mad she teared up since she has been going through some things too. We went straight to the head of the department after we finished our quiz and she was SO understanding and was on our side. She also told me I would still be able to graduate on time (given my placement was being put off, I was told I may not be eligible, so it got me so worried). She just made us so much more relieved. She told us that if our teacher was to make us feel uncomfortable, she would speak with her directly. So my friend invited me over to her house after until I could get a hold of my mom for a ride home. As we were crossing the street, along with 10 other people, we walked by this guy that was just standing there. At first I was like “why in the world isn’t he crossing?!” We were JUST passing him when he yelled “Ladies!” We had a talk about God. He asked if we believed, why or why not, if we lived in religious homes, and he wasn’t pushy at all. It was like conversation more than anything. We gave him our numbers since he said there was going to be a meeting to help people find God. Just as we walked away I told Br I broke down the night before asking for a sign, and then this happened. She was just as mind blown as I was. We felt surprisingly light, like a weight was lifted off of us. I felt genuinely and completely happy, and knock on wood, I haven’t had an anxiety attack since! We were sitting there in shock as we discussed how it wasn’t a coincidence when her nana, who is religious after a VERY hard time, called and explained “God is a spirit, and he takes care of our spirits since that’s  what makes up  most of human beings” We were done. Lol. Absolutely mind blown. I prayed and thanked God for the sign, and I just feel changed.

Like I said, I don’t believe one religion is right. I, personally, would not follow rules like abstaining, reading the bible daily, etc., but I will have my own ways. I will pray in times of need as well as times I am grateful for. Just knowing MAYBE there’s something there that will help me through when the world turns its back on me is enough for me. It’s weird. I wouldn’t have ever guessed I’d start to believe.

As for “Love” I don’t love anyone, but M is the closest thing to it. He makes me smile so much. He feels like I could care for him, and that I could talk to him easier. Because of this, I warned him of my walls I have built and how it will be hell. His response? I’ll be taking them down by the boxes. After last weekend of me being in Toronto, and the conversation we had last night, things are starting to progress a little. I’m only scared that I’ll give him mono from when I got it in December and then again at the end of January (relapse). I don’t want to rush it though. Because I met him last August on my birthday, and I haven’t seen him since due to life getting in the way, I don’t REALLY know him, yet I do at the same time. I’ve always been older than my years, and I’m ready to find someone in the same mindset. I don’t want to screw it up with sex too soon, though it’s been 8 months (almost) of talking. It’s a confusing time also because I still haven’t asked my friend who liked him about 2-3 years ago if it was okay. And that is scaring me since I don’t want to lose her, yet I don’t want to lose him, and it’s going to suck if I have to end up choosing.

That’s all for now :)


New, relatable and getting acquained 9

Mar 26, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

,

Relationships

,

Intimate Relationshi

,

Depression

,

dealing with anxiety

,

Anxiety Disorder

,

Stress and anxiety

,

drug interactions

,

Drug abuse

,

Alcohol

,

moving on in life

,

moving on



Sorry, I've been busy living life!

I wish I would have ended it when I found out she was pregnant, but he sucked me back in with manipulation, saying that it was an accident, and we had a special connection. Some of the feelings I had for him died that night and week though. I kept sleeping with him once a week until the beginning of June 2012. Then I started to push D away. I kept blowing him off. The end of June, I got extremely drunk as that was my way of dealing with things recently. I sent him an email saying I needed space and to not contact me. He texted me almost right away and I don’t remember what we said exactly, but I told him that I cannot allow myself to love a married man even longer than I have. He didn’t say it back, obviously, and it didn’t hurt me. The next day, I regretted saying that because I truly DIDN’T love him. It was just familiarity and the fact that he had been in my life for almost 2 years at that point, so he had helped me grow up and helped me try new things that brought along improvements in who I was becoming. We didn’t talk for 3 months.

That summer was probably the summer of “growth.” I realized I didn’t need him. I realized how much better I felt without him because I didn’t feel guilty and forced to be with him, or anyone. I walked the most confident I ever have, I was super happy, and I never once was sad about it ending. On my birthday, I went up to visit my friend for my party. I met a guy there named M during the day before I left. He asked me to stay an extra night so he could celebrate my birthday with me with one more night of drinking. I couldn’t though since I had placement on the Monday. He added me on Facebook so that I could message him if I was staying. The next day M messaged me saying I sucked for going home. That’s when we started messaging each other every day. A week later I met someone at my friend’s birthday party that turned out to be a one month fling since that’s all I wanted from him. I was still talking to M since I enjoyed talking to him, though it was still the beginning phase of getting to know someone. I ditched my fling here because I was finished with him.

When I saw D next, it was in September when I was at placement for school, and I was walking to get lunch. He pulled around the corner like a crazy person into the plaza when I was almost at the other side. He had almost hit me. I froze because I was shocked I almost got hit. Then I saw his face. He waved for me to come in the car. I hesitated, but I went anyways. He asked what I was doing, and where I was going to eat. We had lunch together, but I had been Facebook messaging M the whole time instead of watching him text and go on Facebook and play games on his phone while I sat in silence waiting for him to talk to me like I used to. He dropped me off at the end of the hour at placement, and he wanted a kiss on the cheek like he always asked for/got when we said goodbye for now. I told him I couldn’t and I thanked him for lunch since he paid. He just looked at me what looked like shock when I didn’t kiss his cheek.

I got into the staff room to put my stuff away and went back to work. After work, I was waiting for my bus when I saw I had a text from D. He said it was different seeing me, but it was nice, and he asked when we could grab lunch again. I told him a day since I hated my placement and didn’t want to ever stay there, and like he always did, he chose a different day. It happened to be a different day than I said. I told him no. That night, I went out with my friends to a comedy club. When we got back to the house, I took a bowl of weed, but I almost guarantee it was laced with something. D texted me saying I should text him if I needed a ride home. I had planned to cab, but I started feeling weird. I told him where I would be and was panicky because my phone was at 1% and we hadn’t met up yet. On my short walk there, the laced weed made me have a terrible trip. I was so f***ing scared. A guy ran by me to grab the bus and scared me so badly (since it was 130am) that my knees buckled, and I fell. I scraped my knee badly. I was standing at the corner when I saw a car pull up to me. I got scared and backed away. He turned on the light so I saw that it was him. I got in the car so quickly. The drug kept hitting me and it got worse. He was asking me what happened and why I was in this state. He had picked me up before when I was drunk, but never high and drunk and on a bad trip. I couldn’t finish my story I guess because he kept asking me questions. I was clenching my jaws, chewing air, gripping my legs and pants and rocking back and forth. We got to the end of my road where it’s a dead end and he just stopped. He got so worried so he called the hospital to ask what he should do. They told him to bring me to the hospital. He was going to until I started crying because I didn’t want to go. Now I was seeing weird things and was hysterical. He got back in the car and gave me a water bottle that he brought since I told him that I was scared to die via text. I was terrified the whole time. He brought my head to his chest and just held me. It calmed me down a bit. He showed the side of him that wasn’t a ****. Because of the alcohol, I told him to never leave me again, which I regretted in the morning because I truly was happier without him. He lifted my chin and kissed me softly. He kissed me again, and I pulled away saying it was wrong and that I wanted to go home. I was scared waking up my driveway, and I was even more scared to go to sleep.

A couple days went by and I didn’t hear from D. I was happy because it meant that he didn’t take what I said too seriously. He then texted me while I was at school saying he hadn’t forgotten about me, he was just busy (since his wife had his kid and he was a stay at home dad, but he didn’t say that part). I told him I hadn’t noticed because I was also busy. We didn’t talk much. He asked me if we could start our thing back up again. I said yes. We only did it one since the beginning of June. I felt so bad. As soon as he left, I cried for hours until I fell asleep.
It was now November. I had been talking to M every day still, and after 3 months of Facebook messaging, I gave him my cell number. We would text every day minus weekends. D would still ask me quite often when we were getting together, and I would make up excuses to blow him off. Over the months to be super vague: D stopped contacting me as much after I told him how ****** I felt, etc. and he told me it’s always the same conversation, and I told him it was because he was always asking me to go back to the situation that’s responsible for these talks, M and I got closer and started texting everyday almost all day (though I had yet to ask my friend who liked him in 2010 who now has a boyfriend of over a year if it was okay if I continued with M), I got really REALLY sick from December to the end of February, I got all mushy, I started doing feelings more, I grew closer to my family, I grew closer to my friends, I continued to get closer to M, but I hadn’t seen him since my birthday since I was incredibly sick and our schedules wouldn’t allow it (since he lives 2 hours away from me).

My past is all done. Thursday I’ll update with my current situation. :)


New, relatable and getting acquainted part 8

Feb 23, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

,

Baby

,

pregnant

,

Life

,

Relationships

,

relationships and se

,

Depression

,

Adolescent depression

,

Anxiety

,

regret



It's been awhile! Been busy!

So my feelings for D kept increasing, and I cared for him deeply. He helped me through bad situations where I was to walk at least 2 hours by myself at night while drunk. I didn't see him nearly as much though. Maybe once a week. One day in October I had this really strange feeling and I didn't know what it was, but I started to pull away from him and I was pissed off at him. This passed as he pulled his BS charm and "we have a connection" sort of thing. He kept coming over, but we barely hung out anymore. Especially since the last time we hung out, he brought me there, left me to  sit with people I didn't know (if they even sat by me or talked to me) while he was off talking to other people and playing pool with them.... And then getting really close to a different girl. That's the only time I felt jealous in this whole thing. Anyways, so in March 2012, I was scrolling on Facebook, and I saw he commented on his friends public picture of a baby. I was curious since he had mentioned pregnancy twice and said that "sh*t was gross." The picture was of the baby in the mothers womb with the due date. I scrolled to see his comment, and it said "I have the same, July 9th." I bawled and everything sunk. I was so effing naive and dumb and a homewrecker. I felt so bad. It had finally put my situation with him in perspective, and I wanted out ASAP, but Ididn't know how to do it. St Patrick's Day I was going out with some friends, and I was rushing around to find a green shirt to wear when I got a text from him asking if I wanted to go to the casino. I told him I was busy. but he was persistent and kept asking when I finally said that I needed space and to please not contact me until I figure things out. He then pulled the "I had a rough day and this just made it worse" card. I ignored it. Later he texted me saying he was going to take a pass on my couple of days, and he wanted to talk. I ignored this one too. My friends and I went out that night. Around 5am I went on Facebook because I couldn't sleep, and I found out that he had removed me from Facebook, so I added him back.

In the morning I woke up to a text asking why I even added him back. I told him because I asked for space, not to remove himself from my life completely. He said he didn't do anything wrong, and if he did, THEN I could be mad at him. He got really nasty with me, and I kept trying to tell him that I didn't want to talk to him right now and when he was like that because I didn't want to say something that I would regret. He then tried flipping it all on me again by saying I could "try to talk to [him] in a couple of days if [he] isn't so pissed. Maybe [he'd] reply"

My friends and I went out for lunch, and he texted me while I was out, turning on the "charm" and manipulation. We made up that day, but I was still hurt. He called me that night while he was out and talked to me a lot of the night. He said that it wasn't exactly something that he could've brought up easily, it was an accident because he came home drunk one time and she got pregnant, and that there was more to me than just being pretty. He said he told his one friend that I'm more than just pretty, that there was more to me, and if the situation was different, he would want to try something more with me.  I remained quiet most of the conversation while he talked and told me it would be okay. I only decided to try to still keep him in my life somehow because of the amount of times he helped me, listened to me vent, etc. I wish it ended there.

That's all for now.  Maybe I'll post again tonight!

new, relatable and getting acquainted 7

Feb 01, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

parents

,

gone

,

relationship

,

Relationships

,

Intimate Relationshi

,

casino

,

gambling

,

legal

,

Drinking alcohol

,

drinking

,

Alcohol

,

happy

,

Love & Laughter

,

Love



So skip ahead  bit to April 2011. We were still seeing each other, but it wasn't as much. My parents had gone away for a week, so I was having him over more that week given we couldn’t exactly go to his house often at all (I went over 4 times all while she was away, but I never asked where she was. We did this thing where we just called it “our situation” instead of wife, etc., but it didn’t stop me from investigating what she looked like via Facebook). We were together the one day when it all went downhill for me. I was on top of him doing my thing (we were both sitting), and he asked me if I loved him. My mind went blank from the shock. I said I didn’t know, he said “But maybe...” and sort of trailed off. I told him I didn’t know. We even did that romantic roll they do in movies where they’re still inside and you switch position. When we finished that round, we cuddled (which I didn’t get, but whatever). I ended up falling asleep when he was spooning me. When he went to change so I would spoon him and realized I was asleep, he laughed and gently brought me over. I woke up completely and we had round 2 before he went home. From then on, I was so confused as to why he would ask me that. I chalked it up to him just saying it because he let his mind go during sex, and it was just something that he wanted to hear to help get him off. To this day,I still don’t know why he asked me, even though I asked him. He does this thing where he’s really vague sohe doesn’t need to directly answer a question.

So over time I was getting more like “wtf did he mean?!?!” and I asked my friends, except I changed his name and his relationship status. One said that maybe he wanted to see if I felt the same about him, the other said it’s just something guys do for power. I tried letting it go, but it kept bugging me. Forward to August, and now I’m turning 19 yay! D and I were getting along really well, I would see him be goofy (sometimes, as he is a more serious person from what I know), and I would love seeing him like that. I would love knowing I contributed to that. I don’t know; it was weird.

My parents took me and my brother out to lunch on my birthday for delicious food, but more importantly, my first legal drink! I was texting D as I didn’t the night before because I had a small get together with my friends. He asked what I was up to, and I said I went out to lunch. He asked where, and I asked whyhe needed to know. He said he was curious. I thought it was weird,but told him. Then I didn’t hear anything from him for a bit. The waitress came out with my second legal drink and it was Sex on the Beach with a coaster that said “Birthday Sex…… On the beach –D” turned out thathe came to the place and ordered methe drink, paid for it and asked her to bring it to me. I was so surprised. My mom knew he wasn’t single, and she knew we were friends, but was always skeptical. I texted him saying thank you. He asked me what I was doing after, and I told him nothing. We made plans to go out for supper.

We went to supper (well, for him. I was too full still and enjoying the drinks kept me full) and we ordered a bucket of beers. At the end, he asked if I could keep the bucket since it was my birthday,and the  woman said yes. Yay! Lol. He then sprung on me he wanted to hang out more, but go to the casino.  I said alright. He dropped me off at home because I wanted to change and so he could shower and get changed as well. He picked me up maybe 45 minutes later and we went to the casino. I was still tipsy, and he kept buying me drinks. He stopped me before going down the escalator and we “made out” for a couple seconds, which was something he never did was kiss me in public. Hell, we would barely ever kiss when hooking up. Right then, I got a giddy feeling and I asked myself why the hell Iwas getting excited. We continued playing and he’d touch me (not inappropriately) or kiss me on the cheek. It was nice. I liked this side even more. Around 1/130 he brought me home. Best birthday ever (at that point). Only thing was, I couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss before the escalator. I couldn’t help but smile. From then on, every time I saw his name pop up on my phone, I got excited.

The end for now!