All Journal Entries Journals
Sort By:  

A Little about my Everyday

Jun 07, 2008 - 1 comments
Tags:

mental illness



I have major depression, dysthymia, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and PTSD.  Most of my days are filled with overwhelming anxiety, I am constantly battling these thoughts about taking my own life, and when it all becomes too much I often hurt myself by cutting, burning, biting, and literally beating myself up.  I have been hospitalized a few times the longest stretch in the pysch ward was 10 months.  

It’s like my mind is all over the place – millions of different thoughts fighting within to be first – I hear the voices and see the specters’ – always here with me and watching, different voices of people I don’t know – different faces of people I’ve never met.  They talk about all sorts of things, sometimes it’s like I’m just there but not involved in their conversations but a lot of  times they are directing their words to me, guiding me always, convincing me what needs to be done and not to listen to what anyone else says.  Because that isn’t reality, what they say and what is really out there for me when I finally make my decision and to do it without failure, hesitation and with absolute belief in them,  that will be what it is I’ve been searching for all along.  Yet I have these conversations with people whom I am told do not actually exist – but they do in my world, but because that is not in society’s norm I am defective and ill.

I have never really defined myself as a person with an identity – alone I am defined by tormented and tortured internal chaos – solitude with nothing but my own death forever hovering.  Here nothing makes sense and I am overwhelmed with frustration and anxiety, which grows into this intense hatred and rage of violence and the only momentary relief, is to slice and burn and hopefully break bones to beat myself down in my world of this man made dysfunctional that fills my life with demons.  

Thoughts of suicide more often than not every single day, I feel like I am living in a world of make believe and I must continue to be until my punishment is done.

Since I was 15 I have been prescribed a vast many different medications, only a few have worked – but even then just for a short while – never enough for me to be the functioning person the doctor’s are hoping for.  I’m tired all the time, but even sometimes I can go days without sleeping. I have no desires no motivation, my concentration is so scattered that even to do the smallest thing takes me hours.  I forget the details of what I should know, my memory is so far gone that more often than not I completely forget what should be simple and easy and attempting at making almost any kind of decision is useless because my brain can’t get it.  There are always just so many words and part thoughts that take over the outside world get lost to me.  I do my best to take part in the mental health day group but it is such a struggle to get myself out of bed – feelings of hopelessness and negative about this life.  I prefer to stay in my basement lying on the couch because there is just nothing that interests me, any kind of activity including socializing with other people
Leaving the house causes me great anxiety and I manage to find ways to stay inside the basement where I exist.  At home I find it pretty much impossible to pick myself up and help with chores, bathe or shower and even brushing my teeth, or go to the store for food.  I find it extremely difficult to socialize with others or involve myself in any kind of extracurricular activity and this time around, it has been over a year since I have taken part with anything or anyone.  The constant darkness that surrounds me leaves me out of the present and I can’t focus and concentrate on what is in front of me and my memory is so bad that I try my best to write things down but even with that I often forget.

My borderline illness has caused a great negative impact on my family and the friends I used to have.  I have lots of anxiety, guilt and self hate and I do what I can to give me some kind of relief by being self destructive hurting myself, suicide threats and attempts and raging at others,.  Then I feel the depression, hating myself even more which leads towards me, wanting death, and end up hurting myself yet again.
The last few jobs I have attempted did not work out so well, my behavior is unstable which the people I work with realize fast, I become combative with not only other employees but my supervisors and the relationship starts failing yet one more time.  I start having overwhelming anxiety and fear that takes over and grows into something huge in my mind and then I start withdrawing becoming more isolated and ultimately failing.  I’ve had panic attacks just after going into work and would throw up every morning before I had to leave, I would already be worrying the night before and do what I could at times that would get me out of having to go – broken finger broken thumb stitches etc.  I begin another downward spiral and the depression gets worse and thoughts of suicide become more than just one of my regular thoughts and hurting myself come right to the forefront.  The idea of having to continue and to be around other people and knowing that my mind isn’t present, concentration not there and then people get frustrated with me and I then take it upon myself to punish myself for being pathetic.  It is fact that everything in my life what involves me always ends up messed up and the word failure, loser scream at me and all I want to do is die.


Friday June 6 2008 - Possibly a little bit of everything

Jun 06, 2008 - 0 comments

I am at the point right now where i really don't think i am ever going to change - i saw my pysch doc today who was kind enough (sarcasm) to point out that i have been in therapy for over 20 years - i am just turned 37 - i suffer from so many of the diagnosis's and i can't really remember living what the professionials want from me - functioning and productive and happy and basically having a life - i have no real support system other than the doc and case manager and i have a drug problem that has me filled with such huge shame that i can't tell anyone like family or the 2 sort of friends who have kind of stuck by me - they don't know - after growing up in a house where secrets were key i have mastered how bad things really are - i have tried to talk to my mom a few times but then she starts crying and drinking (she is an alcoholic) that the conversation ends up with me consoling her.  i don't know what to do - honestly i really want to die - i don't know i just really don't know.....maybe tomorrow will be a better time - i'll be in a better place to write something of substance