Got this from my aunt today and needed to share this.  i couldnt of said it better.

If i could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
And share with you its beauty
on the days your feeling blue

If i could build a mountain
You could call your very own
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone

If i could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea
But all these things Im finding
Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain
or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be what i know best,
A friend who's always there.

I wish everyone a peaceful easy feeling......................sara

I am really having a hard time with fathers day again.  I do every year.  The only difference this year is i am not loading up on pills before i go to the cemetary.  In May of 2005 i ended up leaving my job i had been at for 14 years to become my fathers caregiver.  He had brain cancer(melanoma).  The doctors said becuz of his physical and mental toughness he made it longer than he should of.  He was a military man all his life.  I was his little girl even at my age.  I ended up moving in with him for about 5 months after we came home from the hospital.  His memory and coordination was affected the last few months.  I would still be there taking care of him if he was still alive.  That man ate, slept and breathed thru me.  I was his strength and i got that from him.  Im not saying i am great or anything like that but we had a bond that was indescribable.  So as i think about sunday my little heart is breaking.  I know he wouldnt want me to feel this way.  He would tell me snook(always called me that, short for snookenheimer and no clue where that came from!!!) dry your tears and remember you are a part of me and we shared the best 10 months of our lives and did things together that alot of fathers and daughters never get a chance to do.  I know he is looking down on me now and saying thats my girl, you are clean and i am damn proud of you.  It is sooo hard to see other daughters with their fathers as i ache so bad to be with mine.  He was 66 when he died and i feel robbed.  Honestly i dont think i ever took the time to mourn as i started using really bad after he died.  I see his face in my dreams on occasion and wish i could just see him and touch his hands.  I worry that i will forget his voice.  I will go to the cemetary and hang his card on the shepards hook we have out there and i will sit and cry.  Daddy i miss you soo much and i love you with everything i have.  Iknow you arent in pain anymore but this hurts so bad.    snook

I am not understanding some of things that have happened over the weekend.  I sit here trying to stay clean and doing everything i need to do to stay clean.  Not an easy task at times.  I know i need to keep an open mind about others and their struggles but asking if it is okay to use really sends me into a tail spin.  I just cant justify saying ya its okay. My dad always told me you play with fire you get burnt.......I played with fire and got just fried.  I read all the posts and take what i need and thought i could just leave what i didnt.  Maybe it is too early in my recovery and i dont understand all of it yet.  I thought this was a forum for people coming off pills and for people trying to stay clean.  Maybe i am missing the point.  Wouldnt be the first time.  All i know is today at this very moment i am clean and coming up on 1 month.  It is exciting for me but not without challenges which i will keep plugging away at.

i have decided to just post my thoughts and questions here.  So many others have more serious issues than i am at the moment.  Attention needs to be given to them.  Mine are rather stupid and petty.  Like today i try and put on mascara for the first time and i end up looking like i am trying out for KISS(look out Gene Simmons!!!)  WD's and mascara dont go together at all!!!!  I am still not feeling good.  Food is hard to get down and am losing weight.  Im sure this will all come together sometime.  Have had some urges to use but got busy to try and put those thoughts out of my mind.  As usual my music is my thing.  Maybe i rely on that too heavy but it really helps me.  I really dont want to burden anyone on here and if i have i am deeply sorry.  Guess it is time to sit back in the weeds,just watch and shut up.   sara