Heart races, nitro sits on standby.... Mom tells me to breath like some deranged reversed Lamaze... She needs to calm down. I stare off into space chest gets tight. Can't get air room goes red. This pain overwhelming while my mind fills with dread. Another attack I think, no syncope yet. I wish and hope and need to pass out. No sirens this trip, I am awake the hole time, no need for a new shirt or pants.... Another test, some scans and I am off back home sore and more tired. No more answers, just questions even my doctors are stumped. UGGGHHHHH

Last night was cool, I was so happy to be posting and catching up email while looking forward to getting some game on. Then at 12 it hit... I had to call the EMT's. All my breathing was on. My oxygen was still to low. Then the nitro kicked my teeth out, I was praying for sickly sweet morphine. My chest was doing some break dancing and my guts were slam dancing. Sweet surrender to passing out would not come. Nitro is a *****; it saves your life but kicks your rump... So I was not naked nor passed out. I was begging to pass out though. Felt like a badger let lose on me sternum first.

Three things came from this Bambulance ride. The ER Doctors know something is wrong but have limited labs to do anything. If a doctor can't figure it out you get labeled with anxiety, after Vanderbilt I may be going into pain management. Don't know how I feel about that but if I can function. DO IT...

So since October 27 I have become more than familiar with hospitals. I have also seen the chance to have a lot of fun while laid up and waiting. Seems 50 percent is waiting, 25 percent is tests, 10 percent is bill factoring and such, and 1 percent is diagnosis and doctor time. That leaves me with 19 percent of the time to be completely nuts.

I will now let you in on some behind the scene conversations between me and the medical world around me.......

"Waking up groggy I notice I am naked and a police man is standing next to me......"

"Waking up naked again with tubes in me.... Guess where...."

"Arriving at the ER after turning blue in the ambulance still somewhat conscious exclaiming rather triumphantly "I am neither naked nor tubed" then to my dismay waking up naked...."

"Having an apparently very funny conversation with some paramedics and not remembering a bit and having them remember you by name"

"Seeing self in mirror "dancing with my partner" laughing at the fact I am naked"

"Mooning the entire floor"

"Being asked why I have a cargo arrow on my chest, tired of explaining, I come up with it’s a fraternal thing or "it is a new thing so you load me the right way into the tube"

"You are going to feel a little pressure"

"Just out of curiosity can I see that Foley? Thanks nurse, never show me anything else out of curiosity"

"Doc I can't drink three quarts of barium..... Mr. Hearn it’s not for you to drink......"

"Sir what do you think is wrong.... Doc that is your job right...?"

"Do you have insurance?"

"Sir we will keep you till we figure out what is wrong"

"Sir we can't find anything wrong, but don't do ... ... ... ... .. .. .. ... Or.... because this can happen at any time.

"See you next time.........."


I wish I could remember more. I have a ton of moments that no matter the situation I can still see the humor in.... Maybe I should do stand up.....

So laughter heals. I used to laugh, I used to be the guy everyone liked having round. I used to make people laugh so hard they cried. Sore bellies for all the next day.... What an abs workout eh. I also remember a guy that used to not be so preoccupied with what he couldn't do. I had a leg damn near come off because I had a severe infection, I put neosporin on it and keep at it. I never cared if I was in pain, a few advil and I would be back to it. Fevers would send me walking or working out. Sweating and hard work was my life. I worked hard and played harder. I was an adventurer, if I had realized it I would have dropped the dead weight of several people years ago. I would have lived even more.

I have found being sick is hard for a man, in our minds we are to never slow down. Least some of us. We feel less than worthless and trying to heal when you actually need to stop and rest is hard to do. We feel, no matter the truth that our man friends look down on us and we retreat. We sit on our pride(actually our vanity), ask no one for help, and I have done so.

Pride is a grand thing when shown with tact. Vanity and Arrogance are prides evil twins and I have suffered through both. I never went to the doctor, I never got those check ups, I didn't pay attention to my body, and it got me here...

Is here really all that bad? Look at what I can do now. I can really look at what I want to do with my life. I can focus some needed attention on myself. I can do some of the little hobbies that brought me so much pleasure so long ago.

The biggest thing I have to and am doing is just living. I am not going to focus on what I don't have but what I do. I could be in so much worse shape it ain't funny.

So what was the epiphany?

STOP MAKING IT SO HARD ON YOURSELF AND LIVE............