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Feb 17, 2014 - 0 comments
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Pregnancy

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scared

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stress

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Relationships

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unplanned

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AM

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i

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pregnant



Alright! so after 9 months of the most recent scare here i am again writing up an incident that happened on the 15th of February,

This time I'm not scared of what can happen I am more scared of how my relationship will be. When we do it we know the consequences , but why do we do it when we know we can't wrap our heads around the idea of unplanned pregnancy. I'm so ridiculous for giving in to my sexual desires.

I would have been on birth control pills but I knew that our relationship was not the same as before anymore. the more that we prolonged it the colder he gets and the more upset i feel. He's not sure of how he feels about me and I can't force him to love me back if he can't.

I'm just hopelessly in love with him. I'd say yes if he's ask me to spend the day with him. I won't even think twice to ignore his messages. I'd do anything to be with him. And that ended with this incident that happened on the 15th of feb. I'm not blaming him nor is he blaming me. We both knew that we were both responsible. we both knew we can't handle it. So we bought an emergency contraceptive pill (plan b) about an hour after the mishap. That made me feel better. the fact that he was wearing condoms and we only had a problem that it slipped with the rib hanging out was more comforting to me. because it didnt spill in me. but my concern was that i wiped down there and it smelled like ***. I try not to stress out but being alone is the worst feeling. He works fulltime and I'm a student. My head hurts and i get nauseous a lot. eating to much makes my stomach turn.

I need to think more and not rely on emotions.

Apr 11, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

emotions

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Pregnancy

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test

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Hope

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family



I am very emotional and most of actions do rely on how I feel. I love one person and I'd do everything for him. Recently, I've been stressing out because of the chances that I could be pregnant. I've tried to abstain but the more that we see each other the harder it is to say no.

I came to Canada two years ago as a permanent resident. From a strict family that reminded me every single day of my adult life that I should not rush myself into getting into a relationship.

My dad, he's a handful. Ever since he noticed that boys ( not that many, maybe one or two) are actually trying to court me, he has never forgotten to tell me to not hurry. That there a lot of man that would fall in love with me. That I should pick  a guy who's responsible. While he's saying that I'm all " I know dad".  

My mom, she's excited although she's always sticking her nose around asking, " Is he your boyfriend?" She seems open in me getting into a relationship but she wants me to be very cautious. She'd be like, " Don't go out with him a lot" , who are you going out with?" , " don't stay out too late". While she's saying that , I'm all " I know mom".

Now, I've been with my boyfriend for almost half a year now. We've been sexually active due to corporal desires, His and mine's. Having a boyfriend to me meant going out, having dinner, not necessarily playing with fire. Things are different here from where I was born. As for me, I gave in to this mortal desires. I can say I'm sinful because of this. My biggest concern now is the chance that I could have conceived.

The idea had me depressed. What happened to my " I know". I was talking insensibly because if my selfishness. I talked to my boyfriend about this and his answer. " That is impossible". other than condoms we actually don't use any other form of contraception. One day in a month, for every month, I wish for my period to start. Some cycles longer or shorter than the other. This month was different.

My cycle supposedly needed to start on the first of April. By the time that I've finished my journal I would've been 11 days due for my period. Three days ago I took a pregnancy test ( first response) I did one in the afternoon and one the first thing in the morning. Both resulted in a negative result. That gave me huge relief .  But matters grew worse as  I feel nauseated and experience some tummy aches. " I have a bad feeling about this". I decided to get myself another test. I'll buy the test tomorrow. And I'll hope for the best.

But what if I am pregnant. Should I be happy?Should I torture myself for getting myself into an unplanned pregnancy? This incredible concoction of emotions will be very overwhelming either ways. Please pray for me.