As much as we all want to protect our children from the harsh parts of life, talking to them about tragedies is part of modern existence. Our children are media consumers now in ways they never have been, so when a horrible incident like a school shooting occurs, you can expect that they will hear about it. Yesterday's shooting was thornier to talk about because so many children were killed. Here are some tips for talking to your children when bad things happen.

1. Ask first before you talk:  Bring up something general about the new story to gauge how much your child may have heard. Don't assume they know the details or have much understanding. For example, "Have you been hearing anything in the news today that you want to talk about?"

2. Let your child describe his understanding of events: Even very smart children have a limited understanding of tragic events. For example, a child may think that just because a plane hit a building in New York that it is not safe to go up in skyscrapers. You can gently correct their misperceptions.

3. Less is more:  Some parents, especially those with very bright or older children, feel the need to give more information than kids are ready for. Keep the information very limited, very concrete, and simple. Limit your child's exposure to the news so you can be in control of what they hear and see. News is often very sensational--running cycles of bodies and crying people. This is frightening and distressing for all of us. Turn off the tv for a while!  Of course its best to tell the truth, but kids don' t need all the awful details. A simple statement like, "Two boys hurt a lot of people in a school yesterday" is better than "They shot other kids and teachers and people were screaming and trying to get out." Your goal is to help the child manage his anxiety, not feed it with troubling images.

4. Emphasize that your child is safe:  Kids often believe that if something occurs once, they need to be afraid that it will happen to them. Remember that the odds are that your child will never be a victim of violence, in fact, the risk of getting into a car every day is greater than many of the scary things we imagine. Communicate explicitly to your child that he is safe, and that you are protecting him. Let your child know he is safe at school and that the adults are taking good care of him.

5. Turn fear and sadness into action: If a child is very bothered by tragic events, you can help him gain mastery over fear and anxiety by taking some positive action. I am not talking about letting her sleep in your bed again or stop going to school--I'm talking about doing something positive. Acts such as collecting warm clothes for Pakistani earthquake victims, trick or treat for Unicef, or helping to collect funds for Hurricane Sandy Relief or make a care package for Anysoldier.com are a good way to help kids feel more in control.

6. Consult a professional: If your child becomes preoccupied with fears, consult a professional. Most of the time children will go through a short phase of anxiety, but for some kids the anxiety starts to interfere with daily life. I once met a girl who watched her brother choke on some food (adults quickly helped him) and decided it was best to stop eating, and a teenager who began sleeping with her parents again during the DC Sniper attacks. Psychologists, counselors and social workers can help your child learn effective ways of coping with their anxieties.

7. Be honest. If your child asks why such things happen, its best to say that we don't really understand why. You can tell them that most people are good, and most would never hurt children, but that sometimes, very rarely, some people do bad things. It is fine to express your own sadness and anger, though best if you don't make it your child's responsibility to comfort you! Finally, Its ok to say you don't know why bad things happen, just pair it with a reassuring message that your child is safe.

Best wishes and love to all the families who lost their little ones. Hold your dear ones close everyone!
Rebecca

The path to parenthood can take many unexpected twists and turns. For some of us, the dream of having a child is realized with relative ease, but for many of us it’s a rocky and sometimes painful road. If you decide to start the adoption process, there is often more involved than just a wait. Couples can go through periods where there are flurries of activity followed by long periods where nothing happens. The details can be overwhelming, as bad as an IRS audit, but add in the emotional roller coaster too!  Part of what you may need to do before you begin a family is have a psychological assessment.


Having to have a psychological evaluation to start a family can feel strange, and perhaps unfair. After all, there’s no scrutiny for those who start a family with a pregnancy! The requirement to have a psychological evaluation is just one of many ‘hoops’ that you will jump through to make your dream come true. Hopefully, it will be one of the easier ones. This blog will let you know a bit about the process.


The key to making sure this process goes well is to pay careful attention to what your agency or your child’s country of origin requires. Each country has a set of requirements for who should conduct the assessment, psychological tests to administer, and what the assessment report should include. Before making an appointment, check that:



1. The provider has the appropriate credentials as specified in your paperwork
2. The provider is licensed in good standing
3. The provider has the psychological tests your agency/country requires (e.g. the MMPI, Millon Scales, NEO or PAI)
4. The provider can complete all the work by your deadline
5. The provider knows in advance what is needed to comply with assessment requirements


It is often wise to have the psychologist communicate with your case manager if there is any question about what information he or she should collect.



So once you have your psychologist, what can you expect? First, you should expect to be treated with every courtesy and dignity, the same as any expectant parents. You should expect your emails answered, phone calls returned, and report completed in a timely manner. When you go to see the psychologist, remind the psychologist of what information is needed. Share sample report templates or procedure lists from your agency/country. Be aware if the psychologist is following the guidelines or not! These details are critical.



The psychologist will conduct what is called a ‘Clinical Interview.’ During this time, she will ask questions about your journey that brought you to choosing adoption. You will answer questions about your own history as well as your psychological health. Don’t get upset if the psychologist asks questions about your substance use habits, the health of your marriage/partnership, or if you have ever been in legal trouble—this is all important information for her to collect from anyone she sees. Some questions may be unexpected, but keep in mind, you want your psychologist to be thorough.



Be ready to discuss some difficult issues. For example, you may be asked about infertility or pregnancy losses (believe me, its ok if you cry in a psychologist's office). Your psychologist may also ask you questions about child development, such as the impact of institutional care on children’s cognition and emotional well being. The psychologist may spend time educating you about children who come from traumatic backgrounds, or who have special needs. Finally, you may be asked for your thoughts on how you will talk to your child about the adoption, biological relatives, or his cultural heritage.



One last piece of advice—do not try to make yourselves look perfect! Perfect is not the standard. Of course you do want to make a good impression (dress nicely, come on time, pay your bill), but be yourself. If you take a personality inventory, avoid trying to answer the questions as if you are someone else. Just be honest.



Hopefully the psychological evaluation will be just another item you check-off in your journey towards finally holding your child for the first time!



Best wishes

Rebecca

Jody and Philip’s story–having a son with an autism spectrum disorder

Tyler was born to Jody and Philip after years of trying for a baby. His arrival was a dream come true. He was an incredibly easy baby. He was beautiful and healthy. Tyler did not cry much, but liked to be left in his crib to stare at his mobile. Since he was their first baby, Jody and Philip did not notice that he babbled and smiled less than most babies. They did not notice that he preferred to look at objects instead of faces. Jody sometimes felt frustrated that it took so much work to get him to smile or respond to her ‘mommy-baby games.’

During his doctor’s visits, he was growing and gaining weight. The physician did not note anything amiss. Tyler’s first word appeared a bit late, but since he was a boy, nobody was very concerned. Tyler did begin speaking at 18 months, so that was a relief. What Jody did not realize for a while was that he was not speaking like most children, but repeating things other people or TV characters said. He said words, but did not actually seem to be using them to communicate. When he did not know how to say something, he did not point or make gestures to show her what he wanted. At playgroup, he sat by himself playing with trains. “At least he’s not biting like some of the other kids!” she thought. But she watched the other children, and noticed that they were talking more, interacting more, and playing different kinds of games than Tyler. Jody began to wonder if everything was ok.

Over time, Tyler became more and more different from his peers. He developed sensory hypersensitivities to noise and textures, and started having temper tantrums. Jody had a hard time figuring out what would bring on a meltdown. She took him to the doctor, but during his visit he played happily with the otoscope and sang songs, so the physician did not get to see anything unusual. The next couple of visits he had ear infections and strep throat, so he just clung to his mother like all children do when they are sick. Again, the pediatrician could not see anything of concern. Philip told Jody to relax. He said, “If the doctor says nothing is wrong, than we are just being  typical first time worried parents.” Jody began to second guess herself. She told herself that Philip was right, that she was just inexperienced.

But Jody’s worries did not go away. She began to talk to her mother and her friends, asking them what they thought. “He’s just a boy,” or “He’ll grow out of it” said the relatives. Philip’s mother told her she should stop spoiling him and he would become more self-sufficient. Jody and Philip enrolled Tyler the best preschool they could afford. They had high hopes that the teachers would be able to help him talk more and play with other children. Preschool was a nightmare for Tyler. He became so stressed he withdrew to the train corner and screamed when anyone touched him. He was soon expelled for hitting other children who tried to touch ‘his’ trains. Jody quit her job to stay home full-time with Tyler.

After a few months break, they tried another preschool, hoping this time that a Montessori school would work. Tyler was able to stay for a few months before the teachers told him he would not be asked to re-enroll next year. Jody and Philip were stunned, they had thought everything was going well. “He’s very bright” the teacher’s told them, “but our program can’t meet his needs. We think you should have him tested” “There’s nothing wrong with him!” said Philip, “This is just the wrong school.” They found themselves spending more time arguing about what to do for Tyler.

Jody and Philip were facing increasing behavior problems at home. Philip worked long hours holding down two jobs. He didn’t understand why Jody was such a wreck when he came home.  Jody knew that things were getting worse, but felt all alone. She was so stressed she began losing weight and having trouble sleeping. Tyler started banging his head on the wall when they tried to stop him from playing with his trains or watching his favorite video. He would spend hours pacing and talking to himself–reciting whole episodes of tv shows. When he was upset, he rubbed the skin on his lips until it was raw. Jody and Philip could no longer go out to eat or to visit friends without fearing Tyler’s meltdowns. Jody began avoiding the playgroup. She no longer took Tyler to her friends houses. “How on earth is he going to be ready for Kindergarten?” they began to ask. “Are we just bad parents?” they worried.

Then one of Jody’s old friends called out of the blue. “My daughter was just diagnosed with a developmental delay, “she said, “She’s smart, but somewhere ‘on the spectrum.’ We have been so overwhelmed with all this that I thought I was going crazy!.”  When she heard about her friend's daughter, a light bulb went off in Jody's mind. "She's so much like Tyler!" she thought. Jody realized it was time to get some help. Her friend told her about psychological testing and how to find a good team of professionals. Jody took Tyler to a psychologist, speech language pathologist, occupational therapist, and developmental pediatrician. They received an Individualized Education Plan through the local school system. Philip wasn’t happy about having his son 'labeled',  but he was done arguing. They were finally getting good advice about what to do.  The reports from the psychologist, speech pathologist and occupational therapist opened the door for Tyler to attend the local public preschool program for children with developmental delays. He was finally in a classroom where he could thrive. Parent coaching from the psychologist helped Jody and Philip manage Tyler’s meltdowns, and an individual therapist for Jody helped her manage her own stress.

“We have come a long way” said Jody, “and so has Tyler.” Tyler received special help for a couple years at his school. By second grade, he was ready to go back to the regular classroom with some support. He made friends and even started playing weekend soccer. “Having a child certainly didn’t go as we expected,” said Jody, “But he’s still the best thing that ever happened to us.”

“She said our son had multiple learning disabilities . . . It was devastating”---Lynne


Lynn and William looked forward to their son, Jonathan, going to a wonderful independent school for gifted and talented children. They were proud and excited when Jonathan scored in the 98th percentile during his entrance testing. For the first six weeks he was at the top of his class. Jonathan was thrilled to finally be a new kindergartner at Indian Creek School, as his big sisters had been before him. One day, Lynn they got the call every parent dreads. Mrs. Randolph, the principal, called them in to have a chat. Jonathan could not do the written work, she said. He not seem to hear what the teacher said. William and Lynn took their son to the physician, and sure enough he had fluid in his inner ears. He was scheduled for surgery to place ear tubes right away. “We were very relieved” said Lynn, who thought that this would solve the problem.


The problem did not go away. Even when he could hear again, Jonathan could not do the work. There was another meeting with Mrs. Randolph, who recommended that he be tested immediately. Lynn and William didn’t hesitate, because as William said, “We trusted her completely.” She referred them to Dr. Jane Snider for an assessment. Since William had a solo dental practice, and Lynn a full time parent, the fee for testing shocked them. But they were impressed by Dr. Snider’s expertise, and decided to move forward. Dr. Snider did extensive testing with Jonathan. They waited for the results.


When William and Lynn met with Dr. Snider, they learned their son had multiple learning disabilities, including reading disability, sequencing problems, and deficits in hand-eye coordination. “It was devastating” said Lynn. Indian Creek recommended that he “not come back.” Jonathan’s grandfather began to refer to him as ‘sickly’ and withdrew affection. Another relative said, “Well, he can always be a farmer.” His grandmother recommended that he get glasses.


William and Lynn began the search. They had no experience with special education, but now they understood what kind of instruction their son needed. Dr. Snider recommended a school where Jonathan could get that help, but it meant that he would be the only child in his class who did not have autism or an intellectual disability. William and Lynn decided to try it for a year. The teacher, Ms. B, understood Jonathan and how he learned. She understood that he was bright enough to get big ideas, but struggled to do his classwork. After a year, he was ready for another school. He needed to make friends again. William and Lynn toured schools. They saw things like kids with learning disabilities in desks facing the wall and out of control classrooms. They arranged for Jonathan to attend a public school near his grandmother’s house, hoping for the best.



Lynn soon learned that, even though Jonathan had an IEP, she had to fight every day for her son to get the help he needed. While the reading specialist understood Jonathan, his classroom teacher, Mrs. R, was “very hard on him.” Mrs. R punished him when he could not do the work. She insisted that he “wouldn’t” do his assignments. No matter how hard Jonathan worked, he was never allowed to take part in the school plays or earn an honor roll reward because of his low grades. Jonathan was humiliated. He was now old enough to realize that he could not do what his friends were doing. At his birthday party, his friends knew he couldn’t read, and took turns reading his birthday cards to him. “I wish I was just normal” Jonathan said.



Lynn began volunteering in the school so that she could intervene on her son’s behalf. “It was not my personality then” said Lynn. She had never been the type to make waves. “I had to read and learn a lot . . I became the expert on special education” she said. “I got materials from Dr. Snider and I had to take over for the classroom teacher.” The reading specialist at the school helped Lynn learn to provide multisensory instruction at home for Jonathan. Lynn spent all of her free time making puzzles, games, and coming up with new ideas for him to practice forming letters. The family spent their leisure time in cub scouts, art classes, soccer, and any other activity where Jonathan could experience success. At one point, when his sister went to Center for Talented Youth classes, Jonathan turned to his father and said, “I’m never going to get to do that, am I?”



After elementary school, the struggle continued. Every year, Lynn had to educate teachers about learning disabilities, and watch every day to make sure her son’s IEP was implemented to the letter. Every year they faced school staff who said things like, “I don’t see how he can be bright when he scores so low.” “It was a daily, yearly struggle” said Lynn, “I was fighting the system all the time.” At one meeting the school psychologist said, “I think Jonathan’s doing very well. He’s learned to accept failure.” Lynn lost her temper and yelled, “Its not your job to help him fail!” “They saw me as a pain in the ***” Lynn said ruefully. “They fought me every inch of the way.”



When he finally graduated from high school, Jonathan told his mother that if she had not been there, he “probably wouldn’t have made it.” It would be great if the story ended there, with all the struggles evaporating right after high school, but of course they did not. Professors at college refused to grant Jonathan his 504 plan accommodations no matter what Lynn did. Jonathan became tired of banging his head against the wall and stopped college.



Despite the twists and turns in the road, this story does have a happy ending. Today, Jonathan has a wonderful wife, beautiful child, and is well respected in his community. Lynn and William went on to endow a foundation for students with learning disabilities, so that the path would be different for other families in the future. They told their story for this article because they know other families are fighting the same fight.



The good news is that this story began in the early 80s, and times have changed. Though parents today still struggle to get their kids the help they need, more and more people understand that having a learning disability is not the same as being stupid or lazy. Many independent schools (like Indian Creek in Maryland) now recognize that they can support kids with LD, and some are now providing special education services.  There are whole schools dedicated to meeting the needs of children with different learning needs. Just like the motto of the Council for Exceptional Children says, “Ignorance is the true disability.” So pass this along if you know a family like Lynn and William, or a great kid like Jonathan, who needs to remember that they are not alone, and it does get better.

Dr. Rebecca Resnik