Went to Vanderbilt Hell today. Not a good day.

First of all, the neuro resident was a total A$$. He did not look at any of my films or records and said I do not have MS. Great! But I asked why 3 other dr's say it is a great possibility I do have it. He says that neurology and neurosurgery are 2 different world and basically they did not know what they were talking about. Furthermore, he says my he will not be calling my facial pain trigeminal neuralgia because he says it isn't. I asked "Then what are you going to call it"? He says A-typical facial pain. Ok what is the difference in A-typical TN and A-typical facial pain? I don't know. Can anyone elaborate.

I then push my MRI films on him and he looks at them and says yep negative. I show him the LP and he says "yep, negative. I try to show him the letters from the other doctors which he dismisses and does not read. Then he does reflexes and I have none on the right leg. But he doesn't say anything. What a goob. Does he think I am stupid? Then he goes out to talk to the real dr and they both come back.

The doctor says whatever the resident said is it. He check my reflexes and finally get something in the right but very diminished. not at all like the left. So I tell them about the acupunture which I have bruises from and they asked about the bruises. I tell them that I felt none of the needles that were put in right leg and foot but felt all of the ones on the left.

Know what he said?  "So what's up with that?" I say, "I don't know you tell me." He says, " Hmmm, don't have a clue" Well that makes me feel secure. Don't know, Don't care attitude. Maybe they are correct about the MS but I think they are dead wrong about the TN. Even TNA says that attacks get worse and more frequent. I was diagnosed 5 years ago and had some problems before then it was just unbearable in 2003.

I am exhausted with these freak doctors! This guy was a total **** (as in Sherlock Holmes except opposite) lol. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I am obsessed with this. I just know I am in pain every day and I'm tired of it. I am tired all the time and have pains in my legs and right arm. I'm glad I don't have MS but what the h3ll is it then.

Don't know. Don't care isn't going to find out.

Thanks to all the nice supportive comments on my last journal entry. I agree that I probably cant give up all together. I am in the middle of a nightmare and ready to wake up.

Sorry for being such a B word but I have had hardly any sleep and getting jerked around by dr office personnel is really frustrating. I was very irritable and I totally apologize.

Instead of doing what I said I did the opposite today. The dr's nurse in Memphis called me this morning and I guess it was a real wake up call for me. The doc wanted radiology report from MRA. I did not have it and she stated he really wanted to see it and gave me the direct fax #.

I then went on a search for the report. I called my PCP and asked if I could make an appointment to discuss some things because they never return calls. They set up an appointment and I asked for the report to be faxed. To my surprise this dr had already sent a report to my PCP from my visit with him.  He stated in the letter everything he had told me. Shocker huh? He says he does not think the trigeminal nerve has a vessel impinging it and is doubtful about decompression surgery will help. But he is willing to explore the nerve in the same way that the decompression wis done.

My PCP thought the same as me, a Heck Naw! She is referring me to Vanderbilt in Nashville they are seeing me next Wednesday. The neuro clinic they have is supposed to be great. I have to see 2 doctors there and possible have a test run but the scheduler at my PCP didn't tell me what test.

I also called the Endo I saw on the 5th and requested a copy of the blood work he did. They could not find my chart in the chart room and she said the doctor must have it. She put me on hold and came back to say that she could fax to me once he released the chart back to her. Exciting! Someone is actually looking.

This has  been very reviving for me. Basically I am starting over with a neuro but thats ok for now. Thanks to my insurance being PPO they are seeing me very quickly. I may feel the same way again soon but right now I am psyched again.

I guess God is letting me know once more that he is in control not me. I lose sight of that sometimes. He can take care of things better than I could ever even dream of.

Thanks to the encouragement. I guess I will get back on my antidepressant meds. Mood swings are getting pretty ridiculous.

I guess I am not finished yet. Pray for me if you get a chance. Thanks.

So far this has been the worst year of my life. I am finished with the endless search for answers. I'm tired of dealing with all the dr's and I'm ready to have my life back.

Selfish I know but this is crazy. SaLaVi!

I wonder why I get so depressed about possibly. I possibly have MS. I possibly have dysautonomia. I possibly may not live to get a diagnosis. It could possibly take the rest of my natural born life to know the answer. I possibly shouldn't dwell on it. I possibly can't help but dwell on it because I am going to the dr so often that is all I possibly cant think of anything else. I could possibly be the most possible person ever!

I have been in the dumps for so long I am not sure I can snap out of it. Every way I go I hit a brick wall. In every turn there is possibly something else. Instead of or addition to? Don't know. Dr's are so vague it is ridiculous! Why is it that things are so hard to diagnose?

I know in my perfect fantasy world that everything is cut and dry. No inbetweens no possibly nothings and I live a normal active life as I always have. Too stinking bad for me that everyone's no cooperating with my world. They are messing it up big time. They need to play by my fantasy rules and give a definate not a possible.  My world hates possible.

Why is it so hard to look at all the hard work I did on my timeline? I spelled out 5 years of doctor's visits for them in two little bitty pages. If MS is possible then you would think the timeline would be helpful since medical history is a big part of the diagnosis. Right?

I stay in my house. I don't feel like getting dressed. Or going anywhere. Or doing anything. I'm tired and feel run down. When I do feel like doing anything, my house has to be cleaned and clothes have to be washed and then all the energy goes into that. Then my muscles hurt, I can't hardly move. Then by the time I get rid of hurts and stiffness it's time to do it again.

This is not the life I imagined at all. God must really have a big job for me to do. Or he doesn't like me very much. I'm going with the big job. He must be preparing me for something. I recently should have been dead but He spared me. My car accident was horrific and I walked away with bruises and abrasions.

I just cannot figure out what it is He wants me to do. If I make it through this it will only be by the grace of God. This has been very devestating. The " you have this" "no you have this" "no you have that first thing" "No you have none of that it is this".

Tell me how does a person get through? I have been very depressed lately and the last time I was this depressed is when I had hyperthyroidism and they could figure that one out for 4-5 years. Then I had to have this huge mass covering the front of my neck and protruding out and in so that I could hardly swallow because I was too young to have thyroid disease. Ha!

Sounds familiar. I'm also too young to have trigeminal neuralgia and then that is bilateral. Go figure. I know there is someone out there that wants to help patients find answers but I haven't found them yet. I hope I get out of this funk soon because it is really cramping my style.