The revival of the 1976 Philip Glass opera "Einstein on the Beach" was a one time only event that due to the age of the performers was stated wouldnt happen again. It was also a good chance to track my recovery. Before the concert I would hear a voice (auditory hallucination) stating "now you are going to meet Einstein". I was aware of course that this was a delusion. The problem is it was clearly seperate from what had occured before because every time it happened my hand would make a physical motion of shaking someone's hand that if stopped would be physically painful (these changes occur during episodes of atypical catatonia, the specifics of the neurological disability I have are still in clinical study). The concert space I went to (with a family member to assist) was more than helpful as regards disability accomodations I needed (of course I contacted them first to inform them which is the best thing to do if you need disability accomodations anywhere).
  Anyway back to the concert. The idea of minimalist music was not invented by Philip Glass but he became the most noted name (this was at the time, his compositions after that changed in style). The creation of the opera has an interesting history. Much of this information is online elsewhere. The most interesting part (that is less discussed) is the libretto (which is not sung in conventional operatic style) most of which comes from the poet Christopher Knowles who has autism. It would to many people sound random in nature. However what you could pick up from it was repetition of what would have been on the radio at the time (echolalia) and word fixations. I encountered the same concerns when I first had the manifestations of schizoaffective disorder.
   The subject of Albert Einstein was not plot based but in some manner focused on his decision (as a pacifist) to voluntary disclose the means to build an atomic bomb to the government at the time. One could see that in light of what might have happened he clearly made the right decision. One could also see that far beyond him the creation of this idea lead to what later became a global nuclear arms race which he himself was clearly opposed to. What is more important to me was his ability to make such a decision in a clear light as well as of course his work to not just advance but in many ways initiate nuclear physics. However his life had other aspects as well such as difficulties in interpersonal relations. It has been speculated that he may have had a psychiatric disability (I wont post the links to the articles because they although fact based dont have a disability positive tone, also the idea of a "savant" is a myth that in itself is stereotypical and derogatory). In fact a friend of a relative had met Einstein (without realizing it). They were in an elevator with what they thought was a homeless man that unnerved them. In fact they were told later it was Einstein. So as with historical figures who were diagnosed with (known) psychiatric disabilities he had aspects of his life that he could carry on with very well. And other aspects that were impaired. So it is not as simple as overcoming a disability but as being able to cope with it, note where it effects your life and to do so often treatment is needed as well as talk therapy.
   Some of what Einstein theorized is not something a person could understand literally. The idea of space and time being the 4 and 5th dimensions can be understood scientifically but are not within the human mind as space and time are something we accept as a given. However of course everyone knows what space are time are. That would not be true if a person has a disability that affects space time perception. When I encounter episodes of dementia (which has been noted as the criteria in study tardive dysmentia) and atypical catatonia I lose space time awareness and cannot process or comprehend the idea of time. Unlike mania (which of course I experience as well) where I feel sped up it seems like everything around me is sped up because in reality my thought process and ability to perceive things slows down. I also cannot process the concept of every day tasks such as picking up objects or washing dishes. Anything that falls down (simple items such as change) will seem like it "flew at me" (this can be a common tic like utterance I have). However what I have is responding to treatment but as there are continuous breakthrough episodes and my psychiatrist is trying to help me be able to be part of a clinical study for transcranial magnetic stimulation which is FDA approved for treatment refractory depression but has shown in tentative studies to be helpful for schizophrenia, tardive dyskenesia and in some individual studies catatonia (regardless of cause).
  When Einstein gave a speech at the 1939 World's Fair as it had started raining he made what either was a joke about it or scientific notation (or both) by saying "its only water". What we note besides being a scientific phenomena is also something we emotionally respond to. Every thought we have is an exchange of synapsis by neurons in the brain. However its of course a lot more than that. The blunting of the emotional process I experience has a variety of causes some clinically complex. Experiencing emotions can set off movement disorders or atypical catatonia. However there are common causes as well (I have never been able to state directly refer to the name of my psychiatrist or any of my other doctors as well as some other people, this is a negative symptom of schizophrenia). All of this overlaps.
    The concert was an indescribably amazing experience. As it was a co production with the performance artist Robert Wilson the stage sets and lighting and basic effects could easily convey ideas with a short statement that were profound and in some cases somewhat disturbing. The way to listen to minimalist music is not to approach as something to consider as each segment as a whole but as an experience. One can relate this to the continuing metaphor as part of the stage set up of a train (relating to the theory of relativity,  you can note this for yourself if you take a train, if two trains are going at the same speed they appear to be still, if two trains are traveling in different directions they appear to be moving faster). When boarding a train the main concern is to get to the intended destination, not to concern yourself with each stop. This had been the main concern in my life both literally and metaphorically. Life had come to a halt, metaphorically in that I wasnt doing much and as regarding trains in that I could physically could no longer use them because of dystonic spasms and atypical catatonia. Recently I had used the train more times to go to the city to museums. And of most importance to go to my psychiatrist last time. Something that hadnt happened in the 4 years since I became what was at the time physically homebound due to advanced tardive dystonia. What was working on the tardive conditions, atypical catatonia as well as standard mental concerns and exactly how was something my psychiatrist and neurologist could decide. The fact that it was happening was what was crucial.  Life was moving forward again.

Phrasing: (in 3 Parts)

Crescendo
It was just last night that I saw the ensemble by the musician Jordi Savall
He was one of a few musicians who had breathed life into medieval music
Before I entered the concert I was distressed
My life not being what it had been made me want to close
what had been the past
At the Metropolitan Museum of art where the concert was
my mom asked me if I remembered when I was a kid
and my piano teacher spoke to someone who showed us
the museum on a day it was closed
and if I could remember the Temple of Dendur (Egyptian art section)
I said I did want to bring up memories
they had been taken from me as I had dementia and catatonia
  So I sat down in trepidation and within moments
the audience had faded into the background
and at center stage were 3 musicians
who breathed life into the past
Medieval dances and songs
by long past writers
some known some anonymous
and instruments that would otherwise
have been lost to history
such as the rebec and ud
that evolved into the instruments we know of today

I let my mind drift
one could see courtesans and common people both
and their lives long since gone fleshed out
the past the buildings I had seen when I visited Spain
a decade ago
churches and castles gain inhabitants
It was a time when the different cultures lived together
and shared ideas and brought together
a society where people could live equally
but like all things it came to an end

and then there was a pause

Lament
  Then there was a break
He told us of the instruments
have been lost to history
such as the rebec and ud
that evolved into the instruments we know of today
and their history and he then said
he was going to perform a requiem
for people who were no longer with us
People who had lived in fear
Such as conversos(term meaning Jewish
people who in historical times could not practice their religion)
and noted that he himself having performed for 45 years
had himself not always lived in freedom (in recent times)
and was thankful he could now
the music had a wailing tone for lost souls
that could not breathe free
and perhaps for others elsewhere
still alive who could not as well

He then played a piece for his wife
another musician
who had passed on
He played a recording of her singing
and the group played instrumentation
that carried her intentions to fruition
One could hear a lost voice brought to life
He said that if people were still spoken about
That their memory was still alive
and that they were still with us

I then spoke to my mom
Things had changed
I could now remember
the museum the day
I was allowed to see it
as a young person
when it was closed to visitors
Everything appeared so forboding and strange
but yet tangible

could remember my piano teacher
and how he had taught me to love music
and how at a time in my life
when people had left me he had suddenly passed on
and the sudden sense of loss

Improvisation
  
  I thought back to a few days before
when I had walked through the east village
where I used to feel accepted
and how much things had changed
and how I felt quite so alone
I no longer wanted to be different
I just wanted to be accepted
but as I could no longer physically speak coherently
and slipped in and out of catatonic states
as if dreams had taken possession of me
time had taken its toll

What was genuine had disappeared or was vanishing and
What was commidified and gentrified had taken root instead

I walked into one of the last remaining record stores
the cd's were stacked to the ceiling precariously
The owner of the store was hesistant
and somewhat edgy and the cd's could at any moment
with one motion fall
I realized he could not help but think otherwise
This was his world
He said with a sense of accomplishment "I just put them in order"

I could not speak clearly and my voice was choked
but I asked him about a few jazz recordings
I might want
"haven't had that one in a while" he said
taking an interest and going through the collection
I said thank you as best as I could and left
Not many people went to that store anymore
He seemed glad someone had taken the time

The way my life had been over the past few years
with the people I knew leaving me
was like a series of doors
closing one after the other
with no chance they would ever open again
I thought back on what was a new chapter
in my life and realized that
it was me that was in the wrong
because I had forgotten to leave the door open

  Today was better than things had had been in a while and I came to some realizations that helped me. Emotions are a complex thing and coming to terms with them isnt' easy. For anyone. Physically things are a balancing act between some treatments that will help tardive dystonia and dysphagia (and the rest of the associated convulsions) but cause some mental changes (like today) or if taken earlier not work so well. Other medications and treatments like Lovaza help both mental and physcal symptoms. But sometimes its a day or a moment in the day when one realizes things that settle inner conflicts.I have settled some things with some of my friends and I am glad. I was frightened that I would be alone and at this point in time that would have been the worst. Life is not all about clinical follow up. Howevers emotions can be complex and fragile interactions and hard to come to terms with.
    Today as it had reached spring I was walking through a nature preserve with my mom. We saw two foxes (which is something rare for a more suburban area that I had never seen before). In some ways I thought it was interesting and in some ways it created some paranoid ideations (one hears of rabies outbreaks on occasion but they were behaving normally and just going about their business, where this does occur they can put out food with vaccinations for animals, people can live among wildlife without concerns). My mom was upset that what they were carrying was a bird (potentialy they were going to feed a cub) but I reminded her that this is just part of nature. However the thoughts I had set off an episode of catatonia. I enjoyed the rest of the walk (nice to see other bird species) but my body and mind were frozen in time. Thats what occurs in catatonia. Emotional changes and tic like spasms are not typical of catatonia. They are still trying to find out the origin of it but I am working with them to be considered for TCMS (trans cranial magnetic stimulation) to treat the catatonia (it has been used in a few studies) and seeking a referral for that and have made a few contacts with my providers permission. I am also working with them to appeal a coverage denial for one of my medications (formularies can be difficult for anyone, doctors included)
   Anyway throughout the day every time I would try to think of what occured and how I reacted I would encounter catatonia and associated motion changes (the geese flying overhead set off arm flapping motions, the foxes my legs having to move them rapidly in the same manner they walked, these were tic like motions that are echopraxia that is copying other motions one sees, physically I can suppress them, I cannot control them). They have diagnosed this as atypical catatonia but so far are still trying to follow up as regards treatment. However I did have some edgy feelings afterwards and I knew I had some vague memories of something occuring that upset me. When the thoughts broke through I realized that it was another time the family (my father was alive then) went to a wildlife preserve and there was a family arguement. I felt frightened and betrayed that there was anger when I did nothing wrong. But when I looked back at it and I discussed this with my mom we realized that what was happening might have been anothe family member's own need to obtain help. The bipolar spectrum as I've noted carries throughout the family as I'ved posted before and more family members are seeking help.
   As it turns out my mom was upset because family plans for Passover had fallen apart and she was thinking about the past and family members who were no longer alive. However she was happy I was there today and we just had a meal of what my aunt had prepared for what would have been the celebration. And we talked about family members whom we missed such as my grandfather who would when he was alive be the one to lead the ceremony. My grandmother had fallen again but we had worked together to put more accommodations in place so this wouldn't happen again. The family was going to stick together. I was going to continue to seek recovery. My mom was as well. And just like we had seen in nature life would go on as usual.  It was time to get back into life and I had more plans for that. I had been able to use the train a few times myself and also we were going to see if I could find someone to accompany to the revival of the Philip Glass opera "Einstein on the Beach" (probably for the last time) which is touring. And as I was connecting back with friends I would be catching up on old times. More to follow..

  The  photo of the cemetery you see is one that I as a young person on Halloween along with my friends used to visit. It seemed like a scary place at the time. Years later I had taken photos of it and other related places. At that time I had lost contact with the world and was encountering what later would be labelled as depression and dysphoria ( My current diagnosis is schizoaffective disorder among other with advanced tardive dystonia and other related neurological disabilities). It was a year later I started medication and all this improved. I would have uploaded one of my photos from then but they had poor resolution. However when I did a search for an image of the place (the photo was noted to be in the public domain if not I will replace it) I found a very welcome surprise. Another reason the photos didn't come out well is the headstones were crumbling and falling apart. Since as I learned somewhat later they dated from the Revolutionary War (and included some historic figures) this was unfortunate. I found since then that it had been granted historic preservation status and been restored. So it was never frightening to begin with. But it was in fact a history lesson and what I had learned was positive. It will be preserved for history (had this not been within decades it would no longer have been recognizable)
   Another memory (not from Halloween but it is related). My mom and I heard a strange sound in the house where we lived at the time (of course my stepfather was alive then as well, he was out on a business trip). Yes okay it had a haunting quality but even as a kid I realized it wasn't real. I was joking that it sounded like a "ghost cow". After a search throughout the house including the attic I finally found the cause. The bird feeder was empty and the wind was blowing through it. Of course I wasn't scared anymore. What did frighten me was why my mom was. Only recently she followed up with seeing a therapist and among other psychiatric disabilities she has anxiety disorder. Other changes would occur from time to time and as a young person I could not understand them. Now with both know the bipolar spectrum (which she also has) runs throughout the family and other members of the extended family have followed up by seeking help. So what seemed unnerving had a very pragmatic solution. And yes it was time to refill the bird feeder.
    Recently, I for the past two years (after acquiring advanced tardive and some related neuropsychiatric conditions) would go with family to be out of the city as to not remind myself (there were a few times before physical treatment was initiated by a neurologist where the dysphagia became highly dangerous and also a marked and separate neurological dysphoria is part of it). However there were also some standard psychiatric issues. Although I was at home when all this happened leaving the city to get away from it won't change it. There is no figure I need to escape from. That's just paranoid. I had also wasted too much time trying to get what occurred in me documented and not enough time working to find a diagnosis and further follow up treatment (I did undergo an e e g recently and although it did not provoke a seizure it did set off marked changes, the catatonia is of unknown origin but classified as neurological and can be set off by changes in sound, light, temperature and emotional stimuli, I am being referred to an appropriate specialist in the field who understands catatonia for a further understanding of what this might be). Why was there a reduction in mania? A very simple answer. Last year I started the mood stabilizer Lovaza which also has shown to have efficacy over the tardive dyskinesia and related conditions as well as the atypical catatonia. With schizoaffective of course a working mood stabilizer is needed in addition to an antipsychotic.
   So the question as to why each year I had a decline in functioning either mental or neurological and sometimes had to undergo a medication change at this time of year had a simple answer too. It is an anniversary date of when my stepfather passed on. People may not be aware of anniversary dates but they do affect people and its worthwhile to discuss them with your therapist. So in each case what seemed frightening and unknown had a realistic and cogent answer. Fear is a normal human emotion. At times its of course needed. But as to the balance of when its appropriate and when it is an over reaction that's hard to change on your own. I didn't change it on my own. I worked with my providers too with appropriate treatment and therapy. So this Halloween I will be home. And with the appropriate accommodations and supports and services beginning to return to the community. And considering where I was other years that's a step ahead.