Nov 05, 2009
Recently I saw (on two occassions) a red tailed hawk diving as it was hunting pigeons. That interested me as someone who enjoys bird watching. But it was what else I was noting that was important. Before the glycine recovery, when I was psychotic in a standard sense (this was clinically noted, as part of my self documentation of my recovery) I saw a red tailed hawk and thought (as when I was psychotic birds were "symbols") "a red tailed hawk is a regal symbol. that means something important politically will happen". The answer is of course no. After the glycine recovery I would know that was magical thinking. But what happenned recently? Well when seeing the red tailed hawk I knew something would happen. But to me. Feelings of dissociation overwhelmed me and my arm went up. That was tardive dysphrenia. I didn't "believe" it. As of now there is an understanding that I meet the exact listing for tardive psychosis, tardive dysphrenia and tardive dysmentia. As to where it will be discussed and noted that I can't say. But it has been identified in me.
But what was "it"? Well let's think back. "Dissociation concordant with spasmmic activity". My hand was "holding" a falcon as in "the falconer". My hand went up in a tourrettic motion that was uncontrollable. The feeling was a mood disruption (grandiose as in controlling people and somewhat psychotic) and dissociative. The other aspect of dissociation was the "knight" which is "self humbling and fights for others at all expenses" (again grandiose but also the "armor" concordant with Parkinsonian motions). That's concordant with dissociative identity disorder as both aspects of me are "split" (a normal ego has both feelings of concern for others and feelings of self protection). But I am not diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and I never had it before treatment or when I lacked the self awareness and stopped it in 1993 (with predictable results, psychosis and hospitalization). Tardive dysphrenia is a very specific clinical criteria that was studied and until myself found inconclusive. The "dysphoria" is noted as the mood is vague and negativistic. The "tic like motions" are the involuntarily motions of the hand. The "obsessive" quality is obvious. But I was doing more than advocating for an adverse side effect I experience. I was also asked about my personal life (just any person's standard visit to a psychiatrist) The normal gender/age thinking of the dissociation had been regained so within that aspect there is clear personal improvement (as the family member that caused those feelings is now under treatment as well and no longer being controlling due to their own recovery). As well the Vimpat is showing promise as a mood stabilizer (as noted a literal clinical first that will require much further research if clinically noted).
I also have thought about people's reactions to me. I know longer have paranoia or phobias of course. However, once when I forgot to bring along the gingko (which clearly helps on tardive dyskinesia in me and in clinical studies, although its side effect profile is of concern) and these children made a hostile remark "that man's face looks like a mask". I thought back. "Mask like faces" was the first description of Parkinsonism. Tardive dyskinesia was named as a criteria in 1965. The unknown criteria of tardive psychosis tenatively and inconclusively identified 14 years later. Tardive dysmentia and tardive dysphrenia (seperately) a decade after that. But the results were of course inconclusive (these were standard psychiatric researchers, this is apart from anti-psychiatry misinformation). As well there were no medications that didn't cause tardive dyskinesia. Then Clozaril was developed, and would be used more except for the adverse side effect profile, but is clearly quite helpful for some people (and statistically rare results aside, can't cause tardive dyskinesia). And tardive dyskinesia was hard to treat. But now with myself they are identifying new treatments (please remember I am literally the first person to be helped with Vimpat on dystonic spasms, if clinically noted it will take much further research).But when the NMDA receptor modulates are FDA approved (years from now as they are in Phase II FDA study) at least with antipsychotics, tardive dyskinesia may very well be a thing of the past. The knowledge of my glycine research is making the rounds. And likely the neuropsychiatric aspects of tardive dyskinesia may as well. So as I always say people can have the mental recovery I did without the neurological disabilities and the neurological disabilities be treated. And the more researchers that note that in the same way I "noted" my reaction to the hawk, the more mental health consumers are likely to benefit. We all look forward to beneficial results. For us all.