It was good to have an out and about day which is rare for me but I want to increase as regardless of a severe neurological disability, self isolation is not healthy. However, my accomodations are physical and factual. I took Access a Ride and a family member accompanied me. I am still in appeal for a home attendant. There were some good exhibits. The new exhibit on the artworks of Tim Burton was interesting as I had seen his films but it was interesting to see his creative mind extend to artwork (which had dysphoric aspects, something I experience). Another exhibit was on new photographers and a third on the Bauhaus movement (German expressionist artwork of the 20's before a very infamous leader had it discontinued). Then onto another exhibit on El Greco. El Greco is an interesting artist not just because his artwork foreshadowed expressionism but because according to historians, he, like Van Gogh may have had temporal lobe epilepsy so to some extent a famed painting such as "View of Toledo" (a city which I visted before the tardive became this severe) may have literally looked that way to him.
  There are always difficulties and set backs from the public. One of the museums had set up accomodations for my disability. The other being a small gallery had not and a security guard kept asking me to lower my voice (I couldn't, I had dysphagia and tic like spasms, if I did I would choke). I asked my mother to explain and she said "he has problems" (the wrong thing to say because it could indicate a mental illness). I finally said "I have choking spasms" and then he understood. The Vimpat taken before dinner (at the same place which had Greek food) mitigated the dysphagia and enabled me to swallow dinner. Of more importance before eating I couldn't look at the candle on the dinner table because it created tactile hallucinations of burning. The Vimpat stopped that. The dissociation of the "match girl" is the same thing. Variances in cold (yesterday it occured and I realized I had to put on warmer pajamas). Light and dark (especially sudden darkness). And synathesia occurs as well. That is what they define as tardive dysphrenia. As well when looking at the paintings, which had the arms in fixed positions from various religious scenes my arm would physically jump to the same positions. The same thing occurs when I "experience" the persona of Napoleon. That is called echopraxia (mimicking motions uncontrollably, that can occur in catatonic schizophrenia). "Dissociation ranging to psychomoter agitation" is exactly like the awakening from a catatonic state before anti-psychotics existed as well. But of course I am recovered.
  But the aspects of losing orientation, space time relations and cognition are defined in me as tardive dysmentia (the Piracetam treats it, one day when it was very bad, I noticed a pill by the bed I had forgotten to take). Piracetam is an anti-convulsant from Europe that is in clinical studies for tardive. My neurologist wanted me to try Depakoate (which treats tardive, as well as being a mood stabilizer and an anti-convulsant) but my psychopharmocologist had on record (which I asked him to locate) the notation that it caused negative personality alterations in me but he will continue to research treatments. And although the spasmic activity and neurological alterations can be severe I have spent a very successful year advocating for these criteria to be noted in me. Now the accomodations must progress. And a very good friend is visting for Thanksgiving. Let's say I am prepared. It was a good day. Now as its the last day of the Catapres application (which is used for dystonic spasms) the tardive dysphrenia which causes dissociation and dysphoria has returned. In a short time I will apply it again and it will mitigate. The music is playing from an early album by a post punk band from a while back Echo and the Bunnyment "Pictures on My Wall" "Pictures on my wall are going to swing and fall". And everything does feel uneven. But it will soon regain itself. The question is how other people with advanced tardive can regain that balance. And I believe other people on a higher level are now asking that question as well....

  Recently I saw (on two occassions) a red tailed hawk diving as it was hunting pigeons. That interested me as someone who enjoys bird watching. But it was what else I was noting that was important. Before the glycine recovery, when I was psychotic in a standard sense (this was clinically noted, as part of my self documentation of my recovery) I saw a red tailed hawk and thought (as when I was psychotic birds were "symbols") "a red tailed hawk is a regal symbol. that means something important politically will happen". The answer is of course no. After the glycine recovery I would know that was magical thinking. But what happenned recently? Well when seeing the red tailed hawk I knew something would happen. But to me. Feelings of dissociation overwhelmed me and my arm went up. That was tardive dysphrenia. I didn't "believe" it. As of now there is an understanding that I meet the exact listing for tardive psychosis, tardive dysphrenia and tardive dysmentia. As to where it will be discussed and noted that I can't say. But it has been identified in me.
  But what was "it"? Well let's think back. "Dissociation concordant with spasmmic activity". My hand was "holding" a falcon as in "the falconer". My hand went up in a tourrettic motion that was uncontrollable. The feeling was a mood disruption (grandiose as in controlling people and somewhat psychotic) and dissociative. The other aspect of dissociation was the "knight" which is "self humbling and fights for others at all expenses" (again grandiose but also the "armor" concordant with Parkinsonian motions). That's concordant with dissociative identity disorder as both aspects of me are "split" (a normal ego has both feelings of concern for others and feelings of self protection). But I am not diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and I never had it before treatment or when I lacked the self awareness and stopped it in 1993 (with predictable results, psychosis and hospitalization). Tardive dysphrenia is a very specific clinical criteria that was studied and until myself found inconclusive. The "dysphoria" is noted as the mood is vague and negativistic. The "tic like motions" are the involuntarily motions of the hand. The "obsessive" quality is obvious. But I was doing more than advocating for an adverse side effect I experience. I was also asked about my personal life (just any person's standard visit to a psychiatrist) The normal gender/age thinking of the dissociation had been regained so within that aspect there is clear personal improvement (as the family member that caused those feelings is now under treatment as well and no longer being controlling due to their own recovery). As well the Vimpat is showing promise as a mood stabilizer (as noted a literal clinical first that will require much further research if clinically noted).
   I also have thought about people's reactions to me. I know longer have paranoia or phobias of course. However, once when I forgot to bring along the gingko (which clearly helps on tardive dyskinesia in me and in clinical studies, although its side effect profile is of concern) and these children made a hostile remark "that man's face looks like a mask". I thought back. "Mask like faces" was the first description of Parkinsonism. Tardive dyskinesia was named as a criteria in 1965. The unknown criteria of tardive psychosis tenatively and inconclusively identified 14 years later. Tardive dysmentia and tardive dysphrenia (seperately) a decade after that. But the results were of course inconclusive (these were standard psychiatric researchers, this is apart from anti-psychiatry misinformation). As well there were no medications that didn't cause tardive dyskinesia. Then Clozaril was developed, and would be used more except for the adverse side effect profile, but is clearly quite helpful for some people (and statistically rare results aside, can't cause tardive dyskinesia). And tardive dyskinesia was hard to treat. But now with myself they are identifying new treatments (please remember I am literally the first person to be helped with Vimpat on dystonic spasms, if clinically noted it will take much further research).But when the NMDA receptor modulates are FDA approved (years from now as they are in Phase II FDA study) at least with antipsychotics, tardive dyskinesia may very well be a thing of the past. The knowledge of my glycine research is making the rounds. And likely the neuropsychiatric aspects of tardive dyskinesia may as well. So as I always say people can have the mental recovery I did without the neurological disabilities and the neurological disabilities be treated. And the more researchers that note that in the same way I "noted" my reaction to the hawk, the more mental health consumers are likely to benefit. We all look forward to beneficial results. For us all.

  I have thought of this question for a long time. Right now I am listening to the soundtrack of "Koyaanisqatsi", a film directed by the film maker Godfrey Reggio who had originally been a monk. The music is by the composer Philip Glass (whom I briefly met in person once with the poet Allen Ginsburg in 1991 when they were performing together). It is an experimental film consisting of slow motion and time lapse photography commenting on this concept. The photo was one I took in time lapse photography a couple of decades ago inspired by the fillm.
  The title of the film is the literal translation of the Hopi words for life out of balance. I thought of that term then seeing people race off to work headed to Wall Street on the local train in the early morning (while I headed to school on my bike) at the time and somehow lose track of who they were. One sees as there is technological progress there often isn't societal progress and we lose track of our humanity. I went to vote today and with my physical disability having advanced to this point I could hardly speak and some of the people there were joking a bit, not knowing that I have a communication disorder from my physical disability. On the way back I saw a homeless man who lives in my neighborhood. Some people laugh at him. Some people are frightened by him. Some people occassionally give him money. But no one thinks to help him find a place to live or concrete support or treatment (which he is in need of). I thought of this myself a few months back having fallen down from a myoclonic spasm when I was in the city (with a home attendant ignoring me and talking on the cell phone, that is not usual, most are good people). Everyone walked around me. Some people were frightened. Some people were laughing. I had found myself in the same position. People have in a sense lost track of their humanity. I know that I have recieved letters of affirmative suppport and understanding from researchers into new treatment modalities (who have gained an understanding from my recovery from them) that will not cause my physical disability (as well as help for it to be treated). So I no longer believe it to be the powers that be. I believe the capacity is withim us to think of ourselves and our place in life first and not think of others who are less fortunate and whom within a moment we could easily change places with. And it is within our capacity to change that and reach out to others. But the more we don't question our life, if we have taken the right path and who we are, the more we are headed in the wrong direction..

  People have asked about my emotional life and that's a more than valid question. Today due to overnight dystonic reactions (as its the last day of the Catapres application) I took the Vimpat later so there is more neurological
stability. This collage was done on a day when itwas taken much earlier (hard to fix the time, clearly the later the better). One sees the rigidity of akinesia and what they are identifying as tardive dysmentia and the dysphoria and dissociation of what they are identifying as tardive dysphrenia. But what are the emotions behind it? The psychology?
   Well in reading Carl Jung (and just thinking over things myself) I can see many aspects. Firstly, in growing up there was a lot of what appeared to be emotional abuse directed at me. But life is not all that it seems. My mother is under treatment for bipolar disorder (cyclothymia) now. My stepfather from what my mother and I believe had bipolar with psychotic features. He was fixated on world leaders such as Lenin and Napoleon. And he was often grandiose talking about how he would expose a scandal that was covered up that cost lives at the company he worked for (it may very well have been true so I won't print it). However, he didn't have the emotional stability to do it. And he often talked to himself. And as I've posted the day before he died he explained to my mother he had psychotic thoughts as I did (I was just about to start treatment). So the "great grey owl' (one bird I've love to see in nature) symbolizes him. As well it symbolizes myself when I have grandiose thoughts that are hateful so I don't want to "become him". The "hearth" is of course a maternal symbol but the "fire" symbolizes anger. As well in a real world sense we had a Franklin stove and I was often asked to saw the logs for it. And from my stepfather that was about the only time I knew I wouldn't run into episodes of uncontrolled anger that came from nowhere (that I now know were potentially a psychotic agitated mixed state). The emasculation/infantalization came from my mother who even when I was growing up would confuse (perhaps purposely) one piece of furniture I had saying "toy chest, play pen? I forget..". Thus the "match girl".
   Thus you see the emotional underpinnings of a neuropsychiatric (tardive dysphrenia) caused dissociation. But you also see with the "snowflake" which looks markedly similar to the glycine crystals left behind after I take the supervised dose of the experimental antipsychotic at night. The continuing difficulty for me is having recovered mentally and "awakening" neurological (which does vary) I think back and ask myself why people other than my psychiatrist monitored my mental health. And parental figures that I thought of as authorities that were always rational may have often been just the opposite. Well on the positive side one had ideas to change society that he never lived up to that I have tried to (through working with the system, on many levels).  And my mother is enjoying life more as her stability increases and just as my psychiatrist instructed she should stay out of my recovery, I should stay out of hers. But understanding my emotional life is still part of my recovery as it is for everyone. Its part of all our lives...