Dec 11, 2009
First, I wish all my heppa friends and family a peaceful holiday season. With this virus, we just can't afford to get stressed, so like they used to say, "Take it easy, Bro". I don't know what has happened to the time, it seems since I was told that I was infected, 2 years ago, time has disappeared into a void. I started out in stage 4, or I mean when I found out I was already in stage 4, my liver was scored A on the Child-Puge)?) rating, which means it was stable, already had cirrhosis, and decided to treat. Did not go into treatment blind, I knew that the chances of me clearing where very slim, and because of other health issues, I could get worse, but, one of the studies I had read, said that going through treatment lowered the risk of liver cancer, and I am not one to lay down and give up!
So, did 14 weeks, which did excellerate other medical problems, became so sick, they pulled me off. For me, I started at 5million viral load, and went to 13million. I will not get it checked again. Not giving up, just not dwelling.
My liver now has decided to not do its job very well, and so I live on lactose to keep the anmonia levels near norm. Did you know you can see things and hear things when your anmonia levels are high? LOL...I didn't know that, and thought I had a Bot worm in my leg....good thing I am involved in heppa groups. To share what is going on really helps me, just knowing that what is happening is "normal" for this virus helps me make jokes and deal with it.
I have read all the stuff about all the miracle cures, milk thistle, blah, blah, blah, and maybe it does work on some before your liver is already cirrhosis. What I have discovered and learned, the less I put in, on and around my body and environment, the better I do. Almost everything is processed through the liver...so I am pretty much chemical free. All the medications I have to take, are processed through my kidneys, hence, the gallon of water to drink a day. I eat raw and living foods, no added perservatives, chemicals, anything and use living yogurt. I do not eat meat, my body does not do good with it and also I cannot afford the health food store meats without the growth hormones and dyes. I miss pepsi and fast foods...and about once a month, I choose to indulge. My liver complains, but, hay...the rest of the month I am good to it.
In stage 4, there are a lot of days that it is hard to even get out of bed, due to the fatigue and I have a lot of pain, but, I make myself get up, clean up, and contact at lest one person. And, I game. For me, the dropping out of all the pain and stuff around me and escaping into the wonderful world of fantasy and role playing, is awsome. That is my mental health hold. Plus, I can laugh, use less pain meds and drink more water! For us, we each need to find an escape, even if it is only for a short time, a safe place where there isn't a virus inside, destroying us. This is not denial, this is good mental health! LOL
The time that I have left is very valuable to me. I want to infect others with laughter, with a sense of there is more to living than just surviving...living is waking up and today, looking at the ice cycles hanging off the roof, petting my cats, loving my family and friends and giving good memories to them. I do not want what is happening to me to be what they remember, I want them to remember me loving each precious moment that I have and dealing with each symptom in a positive way, not giving in to despair and grief. There is not enough time left to spend it feeling sorry for myself or saying what if....I already did that the first couple of months when I was first told that I was sick.
I really care about all of you here, and totally understand what is happening and why sometimes, we disappear into ourselves. I am so thankful to all of you that have treated and are clear. I spend time talking to people about the virus, the need to be tested, and to treat early. And, I rejoice when I hear of people clear! Of beating and killing this monster, and my wish is that the ones who are clear or in early stages, be involved in getting the word out, medical research, lower cost treatments, education for the health care profession. I have a great want to, but my body just can't. So, I hope that others take up the cause, be involved, care.
Sending you all hugs and lots of love and care....