Ok. So I haven't been on in weeks.... I've got good news and bad news.

The good is that I've found out that I do Not have Lupus! I'm so happy about that!! But! then what is it that I have. we'll I see the rhumatologist at some point so hopefully this guy(or girl) can tell me whats wrong with me.

As for weight...I'm not staying on track. its so hard. I am still at 185lbs....I hate it. but I don't see much else I can do about it right now. besides run the treadmill and really try to put out more energy than I have. :(

I lost my job... I was devistated... I was actually Laid-off. I wasn't working long enough to get un-employment and they laid me off the friday before Christmas. thats like saying "merry christmas! good luck finding another job" it really hurt me. I liked my job. and it was the one place I've worked that I've felt comfortable. yes, I had my off days where I would curse co-workers while ranting to my fiance. but still I loved it there. and now I fear that I won't be able to get another job. before getting that job it took me nearly 6 months to find a job. I was having no luck! it got to the point where I was forced to settle for McDonalds.... That made me so upset.

Anyway. Today I feel sick. I feel nauseous, dizzy and very fatigued. I would love to go to bed. and I might just do that. I feel a little depressed. I want to move out of this town and start new. but I can't cause obviously I don't have a job!!!!

School starts in Aug and I need to get my SFA applications in and my High School transcripts in the mail for the college to go over. not to mention finding another job. I just wish that life were a bit easier.

I'm going to stop here. I need to draw to get some of this emotion out.

I realized that I haven't thought about what makes me happy in awhile. lately I've just gone with what NEEDS to be done. but then when you are always doing what needs to be done, in my case anyway, I get bored. I start making excuses to put things off until another day.

The best example I can think of is a three day course held over 3 weeks. 1 day a weekend. and I've been working on the multiple choice books for over a month. they don't mind and have been kind enough to let me work at my own pace. but the boredom of doing chapters upon chapters or multiple choice bores me and I put it off. luck for me I am almost done and will be able to move on to the next section of the course.

I get bored often and rarely do what I should. I will watch TV or go on the internet (lately facebook and medhelp) when I know that I could tidy my room (even though I keep it fairly neat) I could do laundry or even jump on the Treadmill with my IPod. Instead I opt for whats simple. and just last year the simple thing wasn't to watch TV, it was to work out. I loved working out.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel annoyed with myself all the time because I know that this Lazy person I've become isn't me. its not who I am and I'm sick of not being myself. I want to lose all the weight I've put on and keep it off. Though I am proud of myself. yesterday when I got home from work I actually managed to stay on the treadmill for a half hour.

I think the key to my work out success yesterday is that I found music that has the right sound to keep me working out. though I do hate the awful squeaking that my treadmill makes when I up my pace. very annoying.

My plan for today is to listen to the same type of music and jump on the treadmill for the same amount of time.

As for what else makes me happy? I love to paint, draw, graphic design, photography, writing. I'm an artsy person. I love to see my friends to. its why I loved school so much. Now I hardly go out. I sit at home and be lazy. and I hate it.

I want to paint more, use my tablet more, workout more, take more pictures or just draw more. And I want to be able to cook and bake in my own kitchen. But that will have to wait as we have 7 months to move. and when we do, I am 100% sure that things will change. there will be no more take out unless its 1 day a weekend or every other weekend. no more fast food during the week unless its subway. and no quick meals. when Its our place there will be no boxed meals, breaded chicken or fries. well ok thats not true but I'll be spending the bit extra on fat free or low fat ones. I have high hopes for when my fiance and I really start our life together.

I think I'll end it here. though not complete, I'm at a loss for what else to say :P

As proud as I am about my work out yesterday I'm upset with myself over what I had for dinner. Pizza. How horrible is that? I work out I'm so proud.... oh look! pizza! took some for lunch today to. I can't say I hate myself for it but I know I shouldn't have had it in the first place. how am I supposed to lose weight if I eat something like that?

Right now I just took some omega 3 fish oil pills (2) and I'm drinking herbal mint tea. its relaxing and it lets me think about what I need to. thought I would much prefer just going home and going to bed. I didn't get to sleep until 12 last night and I'm tired. and My body feels tired for it. I'd love a few more hours of sleep. but I will have to wait.

I hope I get more sleep tonight :)

Mood Tracker

I always hurt. at some point during the day every spot I marked gets some degree of pain. some times its ignore-able and sometimes I want to cry out in pain, but bite it back to just tears. I've lived with whatever this is for years. and now within the past month I found out I might have Lupus. wonderful surprise isn't it? Ignore it for years to find out it might be something that has proven fatal at times....yay for me.

Enough of my pain for today. I just wanted to explain the number of areas.

Pain Tracker