Mar 28, 2014
How much does my life make me feel bad about not getting pregnant? Well my mom has a 7 month old child and calls me to inform me about whether she is pregnant again or not every month, several people at church are pregnant, a coworker is pregnant, and any tv show I watch has pregnant women in it. I wish there was one of two magic pills. Either one to help me get over the anxieties of waiting to get pregnant or a pill that would magically increase my chances of getting pregnant drastically. Why can't that aspect of life just be a little bit easier on me?
For the children which I hope to have in the future: Tears come to my eyes just thinking about the possibility of carrying you inside me. Your father and I want a child so badly. We have had names picked out for our children since before we even talked about marriage ( I know, weird huh?), but you'll hear that story another time. All I wanted in this life was to be a mother. Anytime anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always a mommy. When your father and I got married, I didn't get a job because I wanted to be able to give you the best support, both while you were inside my tummy and when you were growing up. All I want is to feel that joy of knowing that your father and I have created a life together. Just know, darling, that you are everything we hoped for. You were what we thought about and prayed for for well over a year. I love you and I am so grateful to be your mommy.
For the mother which I have been so fortunate to have: Tears come to my eyes when I think about all of the things we've been through. Last Sunday, I was giving a lesson in church when I related the experience of saying something to you that I have regretted every moment since I said it. I told the young girls about how you drove me to school and I was angry with you. I waited until the very last minute, when I was climbing out of the van to tell you that God should have never let you be a mother. Then I slammed the van door and left. Thinking about that now, with my overwhelming desire to have children of my own, I cannot imagine the pain that I put you through. God knew exactly what He was doing when he gave you the blessing of children and I am so grateful for the choice He made. It was a wonderful gift to me as well. Thank you mom, for being a shoulder to cry on, whether literally or over the phone. Thank you for giving me comfort anytime I asked for it. Thank you for the comfort anytime I didn't ask for it. Thank you for the loving notes that you wrote me throughout my teenage years. I still have them all. Mom, I only hope that some day, I will be as wonderful a mother as you are. I love you.
I have so much to give. I only hope that anyone who reads this would join me in the prayers for a child. I know there are so many women out there who are struggling with the same issue that I am and they are always in my heart and my prayers. My dad's girlfriend tried for over a decade to have children with her husband, but it wasn't until she was in a relationship with my father that she had two healthy little boys. Her story gives me comfort and hope that I may someday have two healthy little boys as well.
Well it is a late night and I think my rant has finally come to an end, so goodnight. My prayers are with all those men and women hoping for a child.