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What have I done?

Mar 30, 2014 - 1 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

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Baby

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child

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sex

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family

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Life



So, today at church, I almost went crying to my bishop (a church leader) about my lack of pregnancy. I kept thinking over and over again that no one in my family had problems getting pregnant and that I shouldn't have a problem either. I kept thinking what the heck am I doing wrong? What have I done to deserve this? All my life I prepared to be a mother, I watched over children, I went to church, I got married in the temple to a wonderful worthy man, so why am I not blessed with a child yet? I waited to have sex until marriage just as I was taught. I have been yearning for a child for a year and a half and all I have to show for it are two dead babies that didn't make it past the first trimester. You hear so many stories of women in the scriptures, and even women today, who are barren. I cannot even imagine the grief and the burden associated with the absolute knowledge that you can never have children of your own. Of course my husband and I have already talked about that possibility and decided that we would then adopt, but I don't want that to have to be my only option. I saw a month old baby today and thought, why can't I have that? I just want to carry a baby of my own and have a baby of my own. If I could have just one child and have that child be a boy to carry on my husbands name, I would be happy. Children are so precious. I just wish they weren't missing from my life.

Blessing or Curse?

Mar 29, 2014 - 0 comments
Tags:

blessing

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Curse

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Anxiety

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Baby

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Life

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child

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pregnant

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depressed



So last night I decided that I wanted to remember or at least try to imagine what it was like knowing there was a life growing inside of me. I thought that I was just imagining it, but about 5 seconds in, I realized that I was remembering. Not only that, but it felt real. I could feel that life inside of me. I could feel the hand of God as I felt the presence of a growing child there. I found myself place my hand on my tummy and close my eyes. Then, without warning, I started crying. Thinking about being pregnant upset to the point that I started bawling. Then, I started remembering what it was like when that feeling of life all of a sudden wasn't there anymore. The rest of the night and into the morning I slept as if I was pregnant. I made sure to lay on my side, mostly my left since it is most beneficial to the baby, and I made sure to be fully rested before getting up. I would rather be pregnant than not.

My husband finds that difficult to understand. "why would you rather be pregnant?" he asked me. His argument was that I needed to remember how sick I was and how much I just wanted to rest. Now all of those crazy cravings come to mind and the fact that I couldn't stand the smell of Fruity Pebbles (his favorite cereal) so much that he would not only have to eat them in the other room, but he would also have to brush his teeth before coming back to me because the smell on his breath would still make me feel sick. Regardless of all of those things and the fact that I would have anxiety about miscarrying, I would still rather be pregnant than not. I would still rather having that feeling of life inside me rather than have a constant depressed yearning for it. Don't get me wrong, I have a very good and full life. I just want something more. I just look forward to the day that we are blessed with a child.

Misfortune and high hopes

Mar 29, 2014 - 0 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

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Hope

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Baby

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Breast

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Ovulation

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Relationships

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Exercise



My boobs hurt so bad! Earlier I accidentally bumped them with a tin of popcorn (which I normally wouldn't even notice) and it hurt really bad. Now, I am just sitting in my bed responding to email, writing an entry and watching netflix and my breasts really hurt. I want to take some ibuprofen, but I want my body to be as healthy as possible. Maybe Tylenol? Who knows? We'll see I guess.

Today my husband and I purchased some things to help us in our "fight" for a baby. I got a lubricant that is supposed to support the flow of sperm to the egg and we got a good supply of ovulating tests. After downloading more than one pregnancy/TTC app, I found that each one says that I am ovulating at a different time, so this is how I am choosing to solve that problem. Now we can know that we will be having intercourse at the right time and that we have a little help in getting the swimmers where they need to go. I also heard something, although I am not sure whether it is a myth or not, but I heard that if you lay down with your pelvis slightly elevated and your legs propped up for a half hour after intercourse, it will increase your odds of getting pregnant. Of course I would only try that if I knew for sure that I was ovulating. Anyway, after we left the store, I realized that next week my husband is leaving for training in the lower 48. He will be gone for a month. What does that mean? He will miss my next ovulation cycle. I was a little disappointed after the money I spent and the expectations that we set together. Although he is going to training, I think I am just going to do the best I can to make sure that my body is the best place for a baby to be.

I made a list of things that need to be included in a "Baby Friendly Life." They are as follows: a good relationship with my husband, a healthy diet, a clean home, exercise, finances which have been and continue to be adequately managed, and sufficient space and supplies for the [hopefully] impending birth. I know that I cannot make myself get pregnant, but I can sure as heck make myself just a little bit more prepared to be.

To You

Mar 28, 2014 - 0 comments
Tags:

Pregnancy

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mother

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Baby

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want to have a baby

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Babymaking! :)

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struggle

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Anxiety

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Love



How much does my life make me feel bad about not getting pregnant? Well my mom has a 7 month old child and calls me to inform me about whether she is pregnant again or not every month, several people at church are pregnant, a coworker is pregnant, and any tv show I watch has pregnant women in it. I wish there was one of two magic pills. Either one to help me get over the anxieties of waiting to get pregnant or a pill that would magically increase my chances of getting pregnant drastically. Why can't that aspect of life just be a little bit easier on me?

For the children which I hope to have in the future: Tears come to my eyes just thinking about the possibility of carrying you inside me. Your father and I want a child so badly. We have had names picked out for our children since before we even talked about marriage ( I know, weird huh?), but you'll hear that story another time. All I wanted in this life was to be a mother. Anytime anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always a mommy. When your father and I got married, I didn't get a job because I wanted to be able to give you the best support, both while you were inside my tummy and when you were growing up. All I want is to feel that joy of knowing that your father and I have created a life together. Just know, darling, that you are everything we hoped for. You were what we thought about and prayed for for well over a year. I love you and I am so grateful to be your mommy.

For the mother which I have been so fortunate to have: Tears come to my eyes when I think about all of the things we've been through. Last Sunday, I was giving a lesson in church when I related the experience of saying something to you that I have regretted every moment since I said it. I told the young girls about how you drove me to school and I was angry with you. I waited until the very last minute, when I was climbing out of the van to tell you that God should have never let you be a mother. Then I slammed the van door and left. Thinking about that now, with my overwhelming desire to have children of my own, I cannot imagine the pain that I put you through. God knew exactly what He was doing when he gave you the blessing of children and I am so grateful for the choice He made. It was a wonderful gift to me as well. Thank you mom, for being a shoulder to cry on, whether literally or over the phone. Thank you for giving me comfort anytime I asked for it. Thank you for the comfort anytime I didn't ask for it. Thank you for the loving notes that you wrote me throughout my teenage years. I still have them all. Mom, I only hope that some day, I will be as wonderful a mother as you are. I love you.

I have so much to give. I only hope that anyone who reads this would join me in the prayers for a child. I know there are so many women out there who are struggling with the same issue that I am and they are always in my heart and my prayers. My dad's girlfriend tried for over a decade to have children with her husband, but it wasn't until she was in a relationship with my father that she had two healthy little boys. Her story gives me comfort and hope that I may someday have two healthy little boys as well.

Well it is a late night and I think my rant has finally come to an end, so goodnight. My prayers are with all those men and women hoping for a child.