well it has to be over 2 weeks. i decided not to track the date this time. very cold turkey!!! back to work. feeling almost human. this runny nose, i know from the past is gonna be with me for a while. what a small price to pay. i haven't been clean for the holidays since i was about 12. i am 47. i really love you guys!

well i have chosen the methadone route. did this years ago in a program, and managed to kick for a while. i wanted to go the suboxone route but my doctor isn't allowed to prescribe it. it will take all the power in my soul to work this. i recently went back to full time physically taxing work. my doctor knows all my darkest secrets, so i would have a hard time getting over on him. wish me luck. i miss you all, but have been kinda in a bubble and avoiding folks altogether. hope to be back full time soon. peace

after so many relapses over so many years i decided this last time to say nothing to anyone that i was quitting the pills again. every other time, i told alot of people. i am one of those people who knocks wood and fears you will jinx it if you blab. so i did it privately beginning with the doctor, asking him not to let me keep manipulating him. then i just tried to act as normal as possible and think positive thoughts. not to hurt anyone's feelings, but i know all the pep talks. in fact i give a darn good one myself. i just couldn't read those again. also counting clean days trips me out, so i couldn't say how many it's been, only that aside from a little runny nose i seem to be back in the functional world. no one knew i stopped, yet suddenly my kids were spending more time with me. my husband became a tiger in the bedroom again. opportunities are opening up before me. they just know. the ones close to you can feel it. my husband would be on the road and when i messed up he would call alomst instantly. i of course would lie, only having to answer for it later. this pattern of deciept, betrayal, and the rest was eating me up so bad inside, i couldn't even instant message. felt so worthless, no, purposeless is more like what i was feeling. am happy to be back.

so after all these one night stands
you've ended up with heart in hand
a child alone
on your own
retreating

regretful for the things you're not
and all the dreams you haven't got
without a home
a heart of stone
lie bleeding

and for all the roads you followed
and for all you did not find
and for all the things you had to leave behind

i am the way
i am the light
i am the dark inside the night
i hear your hopes
i feel your dreams
and in the dark i hear your screams
don't turn away
just take my hand
and when you make your final stand
i'll be right there
i'll never leave
all i ask of you
is believe

your childhood eyes were so intense
while bartering your innocense
for bits of string
grown-up wings
you needed

but when you had to add them up
you found that they were not enough
to get you in
to pay for sins
repeated

and for all the years you borrowed
and for all the tears you cried
and for alll the fears you had to keep inside

i am the way
i am the light
i am the dark inside the night
i hear your hopes
i feel your dreams
and in the dark i hear your screams
dont' turn away
just take my hand
and when you make your final stand
i'll be right there
i'll never leave
all i ask of you is believe

(this is an extra verse not always included)

never wanted to know
never wanted to see
i wasted my time
til time wasted me
never wanted to go
always wanted to stay
"cause the person i am
are the parts that i've played
so i plot and i plan
hope and i scheme
to the lure of a night
filled with unfinished dreams
and i'm holding on tight
to a world gone astray
as they charge me for years
i can't pay

i am the way
i am the light
i am the dark inside the night
i hear your hopes
i feel your dreams
and in the dark
i hear your screams
don't turn away
just take my hand
and when you make your final stand
i'll be right there
i'll never leave
all i ask of you
is believe