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day 420

Mar 11, 2010 - 0 comments
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Today was particularly trying!!!  It's interesting that even though things in my life are going great and I am happy that my addiction pops up at any moment and now I can realize how terribly incredible this addiction is...  My mom's in a lot of pain, she has a pinched nerve in her neck and needs surgery so she's gone onto the vikes...  I've noticed the change in her since she started and its added a little bit of a personal challenge but today was the knarliest....  First I found out some creditor had withdrawn money without my permission from my account and now I'm over-drawn.  This was the first frustrating thing.  Then my mom asks me to pick up her script at the pharmacy...  I knew I wouldn't take one and it'd be hard but I was confident I could do it.  On the way to the pharmacy I started to feel sick to my stomach.  Like crazy nervous sick and it hasn't really let up much...  I'm a bundle of emotions and nerves and I know it's the trigger that's making me this way....  Even though I know it, it doesn't make it easier...  I'm just amazed at how physically this addiction can control me...  
Other than that I have felt like I am really starting to create a new life for myself.  Feeling like a new woman and I feel ready to start pursuing my dreams again....  

Days without vicodin

day 366

Jan 15, 2010 - 0 comments
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I felt great yesterday...  Well, most of the day and then it turned...  Turned into something else that has left me with a little feeling of hopelessness and just plain down.  I am down.  I fell like crap, worthless and yet I know I should exercise and just get over it but its frustrating....  
I'm wondering why this happening to me?  Is it because its been a year?  Is it my subconcious or maybe its my addiction trying to get me to use...  Because I must tell you that taking a vicodin right sounds pretty fun...  I know I am an addict and yet I have not quit alcohol or pot...  I don't want to quit, I am afraid and I'm wondering if that is my biggest problem.  I have been busy so I don't drink so much these days but I like it.  I enjoy good beer or two...  And yet my father is an alcoholic and I don't want to become an alcoholic like him...  I think about my my opiate addiction and I couldn't go a day without a pill but alcohol and pot I can go without...  so I think maybe I don't have a problem with it???  
who knows... for now I'm gonna do some yoga and hope it'll help snap me out of it...  I just have this feeling that something is wrong...  

Days without vicodin

day 365

Jan 14, 2010 - 0 comments
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A year since I took a vicodin and it hasn't been easy...  But I have my life back...  What a struggle it has been to get here....  

Days without vicodin

day 311

Nov 22, 2009 - 1 comments
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Had vicodins offered to me in my dream last night.  I got this new job as hostess in a restaurant and this is the first week.  Small shifts 6 days a week and this was the first week.  I've never had a job like so I've been stressed.  The interview was the moment where I had my biggest cravings I can remember since after the first month or so of quitting.  So I put my other business on hold so I could concentrate, prepare and not be overwhelmed but it is overwhelming.  I've been a glassblower for 8 years and this is a job that is individual.  Me and the glass and the only boss I've had is a good friend which makes work more of a passion.
I made it through the first week and I'm still standing but I'm vulnerable... I can feel it creeping up inside me.  In this dream a girl who works with me hands me some pills.  Or maybe at one point some point they through a bag of pill, like a giant sandwich size bag at me filled with pills.  I take it and hold onto it as I eventually end up telling her I addicted to vicodins and she gives me a look like she had just given some of them in the bag.  Other things happened in my dream and it was all relating to this new job.  I feel like today is the first day I can breathe since the job started and I know I need to focus back on my glass but today I feel like I can't handle everything.  I feel its overwhelming at the moment.  Its hard at times cause I think no one can understand.  I feel like making sure I don't use again includes stopping when I'm getting triggered and take a moment to breathe and let it pass.  So I duck out of work.  And work for me is the glass and I'm never off the job.  I live and breathe it and it grips at my heart.  When I do duck out I am jealous of those who are still doing it...  
But then I come back to this forum and remember that I'm still battling something that can take people down forever.  I see good friends getting chained to heroin, to opiates and losing out on life.  Chained in dark times thinking that is the way life is and has to be.  I am so thankful I'm out of the opiate haze.  I'm in control of my body again....  

Days without vicodin