I'm so bored.  Thought I'd update a bit on this website.  Nothing really new to talk about, at least nothing important that I feel like writing about.  I have been irritable lately, which is very unusual for me.  I'm becoming more aggressive, but not spiteful or malicious.  

There are two guys I am interested in.  I'm attracted to both of them, so I suppose you could say I have a crush on them.  The one is younger and the other I don't know.  I'd like to be friends, if anything, really.  But the other one that is younger (the reason why I know this) went to the same school as I did.  He has a sister that isn't attractive (I know, mean) and he played the drums.  He looks like he did when I had crush on him yeeeeaaarrrssss ago.  I don't want him to think I'm weird or a stalker, though.  Or crazy.  But he probably thinks that already considering he works at a pharmacy and I am ALWAYS there.  His name is Tyler.  He's tall, dark hair, dark eyes ... dreamy.  The same with the other guy, except I don't think as tall.  His name is Kylee.  

I don't know why I'm beginning to become interested in possibly dating.  I told Alex about it and though I've approached guys about hanging out before, I just don't feel attractive enough to even speak to them on a personal level.  I'm pretty disgusted with myself for multiple reasons, but I'm still trying to lose weight and although people say I look really good, I don't feel like it.  There is hard evidence, but you know ... the grass is always greener on the other side.  But mainly, I just don't feel like I'm pretty enough for either one of them to take interest in me.

Yes, I know what would make this easier; join Myspace or Face Book.  If you know anything about me, you know that I despise websites like that.  Myspace is a modern day internet brothel with self proclaimed photographers who use a digital camera to take pictures of themselves in the bathroom.  People just ***** themselves out.  I used to be on Myspace because my friend begged me.  I caved but after being hit on by enough gross people and just in general being bothered on a level that I just couldn't take anymore, I deleted my account.  Not only that, but it's so petty.  

Face Book is a bit better.  People generally use it for communication, and I'm all for that, but it's not perfect.  I just try to remain a non-conformist slash minimalist.  I check my email, the weather, sometimes listen to music on my computer and that's about it.  Seriously.  TV?  Don't watch it.  Anyhoo.  I'll take dating suggestions if anyone reads this stuff.

Mood Tracker

Ugh, I have cramps.  I haven't pooped the whole week.  I'm out of Benefiber and Miralax.  I don't understand why they can't prescribe refills.  Same thing with Adderall.  It's such a pain.  

So today is Mother's Day.  I'm obviously on my computer which means I'm not celebrating it with R.  Why?  I had been planning on going but my stum hurts like crazy.  Same with this stupid ganglion cyst.  I don't know what I'm going to do about it.  It hurts a lot and I think I'm going to need surgery.  This is bad news. It may help, but it may come back.  The seriously bad news is that of finances.  R wouldn't take me to the hospital even if I was on the verge of death.  I'm not exaggerating.  R and D never believe me - even though I'm always right (I'm not trying to "toot my own horn" (I hate that saying)).  

For example, my last car was a 2001 Jeep Liberty.  It was driving horribly.  I was having a hard time steering and I thought it was the tires, then I thought it was the engine.  D said I was just complaining and you know what I said?  I told him that if something really bad happens to me or I die, I hope he feels like sh!t for not believing me.  What happened next was a recall because of the faulty steering AND the engine AND the brakes.  A-hole.  

Since there are zero sidewalks and no public transport in Winston-Salem, you HAVE to have a ride.  When I was living down there, gas was extremely high.  Since I had constant doctor appointments and Bok-Hee didn't have a car, I was constantly driving.  I had to fill my tank about twice a week for $100 or more.  

So I suggested to R and D to think about a more gas efficient car.  They said maybe over the phone, but when I came home to visit, they said no.  I told them I didn't WANT a new car, I just wanted them to THINK about it.  Also, when I came home, after being lectured and downsized, what do I see in the drive way?  D's super new fancy car.  A-holeS.

So I'm feeling bad today.  I haven't been motivated to do anything since I've been so depressed.  Kristen and I talked about the ramifications of missing appointments.  As of now, if I miss more than three, our contract is null and void.  The problem with this is that she spoke to her supervisor and was able to cut me a deal on my copay since my health insurance doesn't cover mental health.  Instead of $110, she asked for $60.  She didn't have to do that for me, nor does she have to call me every morning when I have an appointment to remind me.  

She's very nice and I don't want to see someone else.  It's not that I'm not taking this seriously.  The last time I couldn't go was because I didn't wake up.  I dropped my phone in my pee (my jeans that doesn't hold ANYTHING).  It worked for a bit and then it completely shut down.  So my alarm didn't go off and then I had to call her after I woke up and schedule another appointment, also telling her my phone was dead.  

For the next appointment, I have a loud analog clock (the kind with two bells with a swing).  But for SOME reason it didn't go off.  But as soon as I woke up (thank god) I tried to fiddle with it to find out why it wasn't working.  Then I said eff it.  When I came home, it was working.  WHY DOES THIS STUFF ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?  I don't have BAD luck.  I have ZERO luck.  

I have so much stuff I need to do.  I don't want to do it, though because I'm lacking motivation because I'm so down.  Bleh.

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IT NEVER ENDS.  First my internet wasn't working, now my printer.  I NEED my printer.  Next it's my light bulbs and I don't have any money to buy any.  Then my beloved ring that I got in Italy almost ten years ago, that I lost and recently found - broke.  Plus any time I do laundry, it's hell!sh.  R flipping out, D drinking ... both of them drinking.  I can't take all the neurosis.  

The only good news is that I FINALLY lost 3.8 pounds.  I think I have been gaining because I'm depressed and not doing much.  Plus the fact I don't have anyone telling me that I'm doing well.  R used to surprisingly keep me motivated.  Now they want nothing to do with me.  I missed my appointment with Kristen Wednesdays and my appointment with Nathan yesterday.  The ramifications are payment and pain in my wrist.  However today I see Kristen.  I think I'm going to have to go back to seeing her more than once a week.  

My beloved phone has been randomly turning off.  I can deal with that.  I accidentally dropped it in my pee water (yes, gross, get over it) and I wasn't drunk.  I'm usually careful about pulling my pants down before I sit on the loo, but the one pair of jeans I have does not hold anything in any of my pockets and it fell out.  I grabbed it as fast as I could and splashed a bit of water on it.  It lasted for a while, which I was surprised at.  Now it's dead.  Another financial issue.  I NEED a new phone.  I don't WANT one.  But I NEED it because it is the only way I can keep in touch with J, my angel, Alex (ugh, sometimes I don't want to see him), and my doctors.  The cheapest phone I can get is about $100 by renewing my contract.  

The Oxford stuff.  It was discussed that I would be living at the bay house because it doesn't make sense for me to drive 2 1/2 hours down to Baltimore on Saturday, drive 2 1/2 hours back to Shippensburg, then drive 2 1/2 hours to Baltimore and another 2 1/2 hours back to Shippensburg on Sunday.  NO.  So, since the house in Baltimore it makes sense that I stay there, especially with gas prices and well ... convenience.  Classes start over Memorial Day and R tells me I'm not allowed to be there because Colby and his friends who have kids are going to be there.  "HE ASKED FIRST".  WTF?!?!?!  He DID NOT ask first.  I've been on this for the last month and it doesn't matter if he asked first.  

I told her I would eff!ng sleep outside, on the roof, anything and she still says no.  So I said, "fine.  You know what?  If you want to pay for my gas trips back and forth and possibly hotel stay, don't b!tch to me about it when you just made this problematic."  Just another example of how I'm placed on the bottom.  

Mood Tracker

Not feeling great - haven't been.  I no longer feel like tracking via paper.  All I need is to write whether I take my medication, keep my medication updated on refills, and what I did for the day, etc.  So I might not be on here much.  Like I said, I've been avoiding technology.  Etc.  My internet wasn't working the other day, then I fixed it and my printer isn't working.  

Alex is acting weird.  It's the Sascha Effect.  It makes irritable.  

R and D are instilling fear in me.  

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