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1/2 relieved, 1/2 disappointed

Apr 07, 2009 - 0 comments
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On the way to my weigh in, I prayed I didn't gain more than five pounds.  I was so nervous, I wanted to vomit.  I gained one pound.  I can do this - I can work it off.  I really need to go back to the gym.  I haven't been there since July of last year.  I didn't realize it had been that long.  Anyway, I'm stuck at a plateau.  ;;sigh.  I hate being stuck.

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Anticipation

Mar 16, 2009 - 0 comments
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Missed last week's weigh in/meeting.  :(  That usually means I've gained.  Seriously, there are statistics that women lose more weight if they attend the meetings or use the website (you have to buy a monthly pass, but it's totally worth it).  Same thing with going to the gym with a friend ... motivation things.  So, since last week, I hope I didn't gain a lot.  I should have went but I don't remember why I didn't.  If I did gain, I hope it isn't like 10 lbs.  That will really depress me.  

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I never thought ...

Mar 02, 2009 - 0 comments
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I would be drinking WEIGHT GAINING drink supplements.  I'm trying to lose weight, not gain it - it's kind of hypocritical, isn't it?  The problem with my weight is that I don't eat.  I've destroyed my metabolism by starving it.  It's never been an image problem - I am just not hungry.  I never have been.  

So, I need to eat more.  At first it sounds weird to think that you gain weight if you eat too much or don't eat enough.  So when I'm at Weight Watchers, I kind of keep to myself while all the other women are talking about how they ate too much.  I feel like a phony.  Plus, bouncing around with all these medications has definitely added some pounds.  

It's funny.  You don't really see yourself gaining weight until you see a picture.  Even if you keep buying larger clothes, it doesn't quite hit you.  When I was skinny, I asked Alex if he would tell me if I got fat.  He never did because he said I looked fine.  It's not how I look, it's how I feel.  I was always hot, tired, and basically obese.  

Technically I'm still on the unhealthy side but I have some hope.  I am going to do this no matter what.  I don't want to be a stick, but I don't want to be unhealthy.  Besides, even though I was slender, I had curves.  I had a really nice butt!  Seriously.  I have no confidence or self esteem but everyone always told me I had a nice, firm butt.

It didn't really bother me except when it came to buying bottoms.  Because I had larger hips, I would have to buy something bigger in the hip area and it wouldn't fit in the leg area.  But since I was being praised for having a cute butt, I could deal.  Honestly, though.  I've never owned a single thing that didn't have to be altered - I'm 4'9" and even petite sizes are too big.  

I just want to say that for anyone who is trying to lose weight and buys clothes, know that size doesn't really matter.  What matters is how you feel about yourself and being healthier.  

Also, my sister is the size I used to be ... a size 4.  When I was doing the laundry, I compared a pair of pants she stole from me (she does this a lot), they were a size 4.  I folded a pair of jeans that were a size 8 and they were the exact same dimensions as the size 4.  

Since the beginning of 1900's, clothing sizes have inflated.  Even when I get to my ideal weight, I'm never going to be a size XS again ... especially in the chest area.  In fact, most clothing that fits me is a size Large because they make everything so freaking tiny and then it shrinks even smaller.  

Girls today are way too skinny.  There is a lot of pressure and it's a shame because they think they look good or they have to be anorexic thin to look good.  They actually look disgusting.  

So, again, if anyone reads this - keep up the good work.  It takes time, but it's worth it.  And even though it's hard for you to see the loss yourself, there are people who will support you and are able to see the change.  For some reason, it's just harder from our own perspective.  We are our own worst critics.

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Dread

Feb 16, 2009 - 0 comments
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I don't know why I insist on not participating in activities I know will only result proactively.  Even though I claim I want help, I lack the motivation to continue to the end.  Take WW for example, 9/10 times I've gone and felt like a cow, I've actually lost weight.  I need people to tell me what to do.  I have no mind of my own.  I'm so weak, but I can't help it - it's the only life I've ever known.  I am drawn to taking care of others and anything that remotely involves "me", I run away.  

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