The chronic pain has been back for a while now. When I take medication and it actually works, I will be pain free for a few hours, but the pain always returns.
My lowest (non-medicated) pain level has been at about a 3/10.
My highest (non-medicated) pain level has been at about a 8/10.
My regular migraine headaches, prior to medication, are ranging between a 5/10 to a 7/10.
Taking acute migraine medication often only brings the acute migraine pain back down to a 3/10, but sometimes it will get rid of the pain completely for a few hours.
I'm also getting a negative scotoma (visual aura) almost daily. Paresthesias (pins and needles/numbness) isn't as common as the visual aura is, but it's still happening more often than normal for me. Nausea has been a big problem lately too.
I am starting to feel worn out and I know that the increased and near-constant pain is beginning to wear on me both physically and emotionally. I am much more irritable than normal and much less motivated. More and more I am feeling the need to shut down, that is, I feel like I need to pull away from social activities and avoid making any sort of commitments. I even feel like hope is a draining emotion at this point. I'm just tired, I think.
I am seeing my neurologist soon, so that is a good thing. He will change my preventative treatment plan to get this all under control.
But, until I see my neurologist, I mostly want to just rest and avoid activity. Even basic tasks are exacerbating the pain. Showering or bathing seems like a huge accomplishment most days. Getting dressed is a lot like willingly throwing weights on my shoulders and tying tight elastics around my body. Putting on make-up and doing my hair is exhausting. Most days, I'm lucky to get all this done before it gets dark.
I have a few social commitments that keep my spirits up, and that I really do look forward to all week. But, I have to take my entire acute pain medication regime in order to be present with my friends and even then, the aches and pains still nag at me. I am out entirely after a day when I've socialized. The days after socializing are recovery days, complete write-offs.
Normally, losing days like that, needing recovery days, wouldn't bother me much. But, next week I am going to attempt to go back to school part-time.
I haven't been able to work or go to school for over a year. I'm not really sure why I'm trying again. Well, I miss it. I miss my field, I miss having a passion. I miss school.
Still. Part of me knows that I actually just can't do this. It physically isn't possible. This is not defeatist talk, I really just don't have the pain-control or the energy to finish a part-time course. When I say that I know I can't do this, it would be like an average person saying "I know I couldn't finish 10 full-time courses if I tried to take them all at once." No one would accuse them of being a defeatist or try to convince them that they could.
I'm just hoping that whatever my neurologist switches me to works this time. Maybe, if it works, I might have a chance at getting through this term.
I'm not too depressed about it all though, I really just feel tired. If I make it through the first week of class, that will be a huge accomplishment and I won't feel bad about myself if I can't keep going after that. If I make it through the first month, then I'll actually be really proud of myself. If I make it to the midterm, I'll feel like a super hero. Making it to the end of the course, well... that would really just be a miracle, so I'd rather just focus on getting through each day and just be proud of myself for that.