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Time to say Goodbye?

Jan 02, 2015 - 25 comments

I sit here and wonder if mine time has come to move along.  I check on you all often even though I may not leave a note or a message but you all are always on my mind.  I choose not to post because I have nothing good to post about and I don't want to be a constant Debbie downer.  Since Hannah (my brothers girlfriend) committed suicide things just haven't been the same. I cry so much for her.  I can't get out of my head "What was she thinking before she pulled the trigger? What was so bad that she couldn't come to us with it?"  I hate knowing she felt that's what she needed to do.
It's been one bad thing after another and I just don't see it ending.  We lost Brian's sister n law in Sept.  Hannah in Oct.  another ex family member same month and Brian's brother was diagnosed with cancer the same month.  Now not only does he have lung cancer and cancer spots on his adrenal glands he also has brain cancer. His cancer is spreading way to fast and they said with treatment he has maybe 6 months.  About a week ago I found out a distant cousin of mine (only 18 years old) was diagnosed with brain cancer again. He was first diagnosed at 15, had brain surgery, lots of chemo and radiation and was cancer free.  At his yearly MRI they found another spot on his brain and he had brain surgery yesterday to remove it.  The Dr. is confident he removed it all but we're waiting on the pathology results and from there they'll decide treatment.  He's having slurred speech and weakness in his right arm.  The Dr. hopes with the steroids and just over time in general he'll get those both back.Also, 2 of my friends from here being diagnosed with cancer. It's like it's "normal" now.  Like everyone knows someone who has it. So heartbreaking!!  

Like all of that isn't enough, Brian has been out on workman's comp since March of 2014 because of his back injury and then his surgery.  We were waiting on his final evaluation to return to his surgeon for his release to go back to work and find out what his limitations will be.  Long story short we got a call a week before Christmas from his case worker who said he was released to go back to work and the dr. signed off on it on NOV. the 18th!!!  It's a week before Christmas lady!!  Then she goes on to tell us he won't be receiving anymore checks and the ones he received from Nov.18th until the phone call will have to be paid back.  Talk about being in a tight spot, Christmas in a week, having to pay these back AND using our savings we had to make it until his workman's comp pay started.  So good news is he gets to go back to work, right?  WRONG!  His work is slow right now and his boss wants him to wait until after the 1st.  Lovely huh?  No check for going on 3 weeks now.  SO that's the super stressful part.

Now let me announce the pregnancy announcements in my family right now.  I wrote about it on my post but this is who it is..   Recently 1 of my cousins(Felicia) gave birth in Oct. 2014 to her 2nd child.  Got a wonderful husband, a 3 year old son already and is a wonderful mom.  My other cousin (Jennifer) is due this month with her 2nd child, a girl.  She's married, a wonderful mother and has a son that's 2.  A 2nd cousin (Nicole) who is only 17 surprised the family with her pregnancy by letting us know she was due in Dec. 2014 and she told us that November. And another cousin (Denise) who has a 4 year old daughter already, NOT married, lives with her mom and is dating a guy that has a daughter that's 3  announced she was pregnant about a month ago.  Well the other day she gets the family together to announce she's pregnant with TWINS.  Imagine that?  HOW Fu**#n lucky??  I'm sick of this.. sick of everything.  I don't cry in front of Brian but this literally breaks my heart into a million pieces.  So many babies in my face all at once and so many deaths.  

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel..I don't know anything anymore.  I sit around quiet, I guess just in a daze, trying to ignore all the "babies" and announcements.  I feel like I could cry for a month.. but only few tears come out.  

Anyways, I'm trying to decide what to do.  I need all the advice and support I can get but at the same time, I don't want to bother anyone with my never ending (here lately) problems.  I feel like I'll NEVER have the child I want..ever.  I'll be 36 on the 14th of January.. and all I think about that is UGH!!  

I just don't know anymore.

Night Panics? Help?

Oct 16, 2014 - 24 comments

With everyone going on in my life right now I feel literally at my "sane" ropes end. I feel like I'm drowning in fear/sickness and death.  We lost our sister n law about 3 weeks ago, then it was my cousins husband.. and now my brothers girlfriend.  I can barely type about it but she took her own life Tuesday morning.  She sent a text to my brother that just said "goodbye".  He rushed over there and went in the front door hollering for her.  He went out the back and there she sat on the back door steps, dead.  She had shot herself in the head.  Hannah lived a tortured life.  She was diagnosed schizophrenic about 4 years ago.  We've had a lot of ups and downs with her after she was diagnosed because none of us know anything about this horrible mental illness.  She was passed around foster home to foster home most of her childhood.  My brother met her almost 5 years ago and they haven't separated since.  She was never able to deal with stress/anxiety or failure.  We believe she took her own life because of this.  She was taking an accounting class that she couldn't cope with..she was failing and was so afraid to fail.  She took her life the day of her finals test.  She had told her doctors about 3 weeks ago about being anxious/nervous and all of those other emotions and they wrote her out a prescription for it.  We're also thinking this had something to do with it as sometimes they have "may cause suicidal thoughts" as a warning.  I feel so devastated.  How can I feel so bad and heartbroken over what has happened with her and feel even worse for my brother for being the one to find her???  I cry constantly thinking "what was going through her mind as she sat on those back door steps"?  We've been through all the what if's and all that and I know we'll never know the answers.  

Also, we've been told Brian's brother has stage 4 lung cancer. It has spread to his adrenal gland and he has cancer cells on the inside of his abdomen wall and on his liver.  Can things possibly get any worse??? He has his first appointment with the oncologists tomorrow.  They did say in the hospital that surgery was not an option and we all don't know what to think or expect.  

My debit card has been hacked.  I couldn't even buy my groceries yesterday. I felt like a fool standing there trying to swipe my card and it coming back as declined.  I felt like they were looking at me like I couldn't afford my groceries.  Like I was asking for a hand out or something??  So much stress!!!  There's been several other "hackings" around here lately and they finally got mine.  I'm just thankful the bank blocked it before it even went through.  She said we have plenty of money in there, they just blocked my card.  So now I've got to go fill out a paper for a new one.    I've decided to wear purple Saturday.  It's a color I never wear but I'm wearing it for Hannah as it was her favorite.  Her service is Saturday and I just pray for strength.  I know we'll all get through this.

Last night I have a dream and she was in it.  I dreamt that we were playing corn hole outside (like we have been a lot here lately) and we all were talking about something bad that had happened (can't remember what) and someone said we needed to pray about it.  So we all got down on our knees and leaned forward to pray.  I knelt down beside her and was rubbing her back.  I woke up with no air, I literally could not breathe.  I felt like I had just swam underwater for minutes and when you come out of the water to get that huge breath, that's what it felt like.  Are these night panics?  I pray it don't happen again, that was so scary.  

If you don't mind, please pray for us, especially my brother.  In time we're going to suggest therapy for him.  I can't imagine what he's going through and especially after seeing her.  

The Black Cloud That Won't Go Away

Oct 03, 2014 - 10 comments

There's nothing like the black cloud that won't go away.  No matter how things are looking up we always seem to get knocked back down.  It makes me wonder ARE we meant to have a child?  Things were going good and then Brian had to have back surgery.  I patiently waited as he healed from this.  Many trips to his neurosurgeon and then surgery.  Many trips to therapy and we were well on our way.  I finally felt good enough to make Brian an appointment with my urologists to see where we were on his SA.  I was praying for good results.. I mean they couldn't get worse as the last one we had it showed he had ZERO sperm.  Then I had to cancel because Brian got sick, we were in and out of the ER and hospital.  He was admitted twice in a weeks time.  He's so afraid of chest pains because of his brother passing about 4 years ago from a massive heart attack.  I try to remind him that Jake wasn't living the "healthy" life.  He took pills that were not prescribed to him, he would mix pills and add in alcohol.  It was inevitable.  He lived a dangerous life.  I know Brian will always worry but I'm hoping after having an echocardiogram AND a heart catheter with us getting amazing results this will ease his worry.

So we've been past the whole hospital ordeal for about 2 weeks now and then we get the call.  Our sister n law has passed away.  This is the lady that was married to Jake (Brian's brother) and lived a dangerous life as well.  She got really sick, so sick  that they saw a mass on her pancreas and couldn't do a biopsy because they didn't think she'd live through it.  She had constant infection and was on 4 different antibiotics that wasn't even helping.  Long story short after 2 months in UAB her heart gave out on her at 5:30 am on Sept. 26th.  She was only 47 years old.  Jake passed 4 years ago and he was only 46 at the time.  Together they left behind 2 boys.  The oldest is 27 years old now and the youngest is only 15.  We had the funeral Wednesday and was hoping to move forward from this, start  healing and then we find out at 11:30 last night that Wayne (my cousin Marie's husband) has passed away. He passed from cancer and was only 37 years old. My cousin Marie was found dead 6 years ago this month in a tanning bed.  They said she had a heart attack.  She would have migraines and was known for taking Goody's. She also would drink energy drinks and or take energy pills like Stackers and so forth.  Together they left behind my little cousins Christopher 21, Nicole 17 and Haley 14.  When Marie passed they were so young.  I just couldn't imagine. :(

With these 2 passing's I sit back and my heart just breaks.  I can't imagine losing a parent, much less both as young as they all are.  

It's weird because it's like things are repeating.  In October 6 years ago in 2008 we lost 2 people 3 weeks apart.  That was my father in law on Oct. 6th and then my cousin Marie on Oct. 28th.  

I feel cursed?  Every time we try to jump back on the fertility/answers bandwagon we get knocked back down.  That's a constant loss in itself and then having to go through all of this.  I'm so ready for this black cloud to fade away.  I want the sunlight hitting my soul again and bringing back my hope.  

If you don't mind please keep us all, especially those kids in your thoughts and prayers.  It's going to be a rough time for all of them.  Especially with both parents being gone now.  

Anger, Hurt and Fear!!

Jun 26, 2014 - 13 comments

These are the emotions I have daily..everyday.

I have missed this place and you ladies so much.  So much going on in my life and it's nothing good (what's new :S).  

On March 3rd Brian hurt his back at work.  He thought it was just a pulled muscle since his job is strenuous and he gets them fairly often so he tried to tough it out, be on light duty at work but the pain never got better.  It was actually getting worse and he had numbness and sharp pains down his leg at times.  Long story short they did and MRI and he had a herniated disc on his L4-5 if I remember right.  This was all workman's comp so he had surgery about a month later and now he's been going to physical therapy.   My mom who has the worst back of anyone I know (she has scoliosis, Degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis) was getting the shots in her back and they wasn't working.  Her Dr. did some kind of surgery where they cleared out a lot of arthritis on his L2-3 and 4.  She's feeling better thank goodness.  She's also in physical therapy.  

It's been so hectic dealing with all of this.  We lost Boogie right after Brian started hurting and that pain hasn't left me yet. I still cry, alone in the shower missing him.  We lost Sadie, our first baby girl to Cushing's Disease about 5 years ago..  She passed at home thankfully and was in no pain.  Boogie was hurting very bad the day I called the vet out to put him to sleep.  I think this decision haunts me to this day.  What if he was just having a bad day and I reacted to fast?   I hate everything about it.   I do know that his pain wasn't something to be taken easily though.  He would be walking, wince and yell out in pain and it'd be so bad he would stumble from it.  I could not let my sweet boy live in that pain another day.  I know in my heart he was getting worse.  The tumor from his Vestibular Disease was causing paralysis on one side of his face so this big ogre dog who LOVED food was now just licking it as he couldn't even hardly bite it.  It still makes me cry just to type it out, to think and talk about it.   How long does it take to get over such a thing?  I don't want over him, I want over the decision I made.   He was sweet and loving, so protective.  He was at my feet 24/7.  He was at my side of the bed at night...I moved and he moved.  I still have this hurt/ache in my heart missing him so much.

The last update I posted on my status was one of my younger cousins was pregnant yet again.  NOW there's another one also so that's 2 YOUNGER cousins in a months time that's announced their 2nd pregnancy.  I'm sick of it.  It pisses me off that they "get pregnant at the same time" on purpose. UGH!!  They are both wonderful mothers.. and I am happy for them, I'd never want anyone to go through infertility but I guess I'm just so angry at the fact.   We haven't been able to get in to the dr.'s yet because of Brian's issues.  It's always something kicking us down.   I feel like there's been a dark cloud over my house for years now and there's a very little part of me (because that's all I have left) who waits and prays for sunshine and better days.  

I thought being away from here for a little bit would help, but it's in my face everywhere I turn.  Everyone gets pregnant but me.   Please don't take that the wrong way.  I'm so happy that my friends from here are able to conceive, I know we've all had a rough and long road... your pregnancies are well deserved..  I just always feel like the last one and now I'm wondering IF I would ever get pregnant to even be considered "the last one".  

Brian has been home since March 19th and I've held all of this in.  I didn't want to bother him with my feelings as he was dealing with his own issues.  We've had to go to B'ham (4 hrs away there and back) so many times I could do it with my eyes closed, because that's where his Dr. is...the Neurosurgeon that did his surgery.  Everything just has me so stressed out.  

Anyways,  Congratulations to you all who have had your beautiful babies and to those that have finally received their BFP.