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Unmoving Black Cloud

Apr 10, 2015 - 12 comments

I honestly don't know where to start.  I know I've said it before in a journal awhile back but I still cannot get over Hannah. It'll be 6 months on the 14th of this month.  I cry so much for my Boogie.  My heart feels so broken with such bad news, every time I turn around it's something else.  We found out yesterday that Brian's brother (who was diagnosed in Oct. 2014 with stage 4 lung cancer) now has cancer in his stomach and colon.  It's spreading and he's to weak to continue chemo.  He hasn't ate anything in a week and a half and they have him on nutrition bags.  I told Brian it's all up to him now.  I just don't see him coming back from this. :(  

My dad had to have his yearly checkup for his CDL license and that's when they found that he had elevated PSA levels.  Sent to the urologists and they did repeat blood work and his levels were okay, back to the urologists later for X-rays (since he has so many kidney stones all the time) and his levels went from 4.2 to 4.6.  The Dr. said it could be from infection and they could put him on antibiotics for a month and recheck but with it going up like that in a months time they want to go straight for biopsy.  He takes an aspirin a day and they want him off the aspirin for 2 weeks before they do the biopsy.  I am so stressed it's not even funny.  My daddy is a very hard working man.  He's hardworking, strong and stubborn.  I pray with everything in me it's something like infection or I've even read about prostatitis.  I can't quit dwelling on this.  Everything bad ALWAYS happens, how can I find the positive in this??  I cannot deal with that kind of news right now.  SO much going on and everything is spinning out of control.  :(

Anyone know anything about prostrate cancer?

And today I read a stupid thing that gives you a predicted percentage of if IVF will work for you.  Here are my results. Information Summary Woman's age: 36
Trying for: 8 + years
Own or donor eggs? Own eggs
Cause: Low sperm count
IVF attempts: First
Unsuccessful IVF attempts: Zero Pregnancy
history: Please Choose No IVF, no pregnancy
Medication: Gonadotrophin
Will ICSI be used? Yes

Your chance of a live birth per IVF attempt is: 27.5%

It's so disheartening.  1.) I cannot afford to do this twice.  I don't even know if I can afford it 1 time. 2.) Talk about a low percentage!!  I can't believe it didn't give me the option of donor sperm.  I know it's just probably a silly online predictor but still.  

An Outcast?

Mar 26, 2015 - 8 comments

Lately, well for the past couple of years I've been feeling like the "infertile outcast" with my dads side of the family.  I'm super close to this side of the family, we all live fairly close to each other and spend a lot of holidays together etc.  The girls on this side of the family, my cousins are all "fertile myrtle's" and as of this June we'll have 7 babies (yes I say babies) all under the age of 4.  It took me awhile to choke that feeling down.  Anyways, the "mother's" all get together once a week to do a dinner.  They'll try new recipe's and so forth.  I see everyone pull up at my cousin's house and it really hurts my feelings.  Am I not included because I don't have kids???   I know I'm not included to movies and park dates because I don't have kids, but for a recipe date as well?   I don't want to bring this up to them or I'm afraid to.  I don't want to bring attention to myself and especially for the obvious of not having kids of my own.  I just don't know how to handle it. Should I just leave it alone?  I don't want them going " aww no, we'd never do that on purpose" and then be invited because I questioned the whole situation.  UGH!!!!!  I hate everything about infertility.  

Twin Help!!??!!

Mar 23, 2015 - 16 comments

So I posted awhile back on my status about my cousin finding out she's pregnant (a surprise at that, go figure) then we found out she was pregnant with twins ( a miracle in itself, super shocker) and now we found out they're identical twin boys.  So for all you twin moms, her shower is coming up in April and I want to get her something that she's REALLY gonna need.  I'm sure she's going to have outfits out the wazoo and I've been buying up things like wipes, diapers and things like that.  Is there something that she's REALLY gonna need that I'm not thinking about?  

Birth control or not?  

Feb 17, 2015 - 16 comments

I have no idea what I want to do.   I've hurt so bad for SO long and I literally emotionally and physically can't take it anymore.  I'm at my ropes end so to speak.  My bladder disease causes me constant pain, add in ovarian cysts every month, plus my pain is x10 when I start my period and I want to reach in there myself and rip it all out.  My gyno wants me to start on birth control and give my ovaries a "rest".   He said our chances of conceiving on our own are nearly impossible (and he's right) so we're not helping matters by trying month after month and me being in such pain.  I totally agree except my heart doesn't want to.  I know miracles can happen everyday and like he said, we have almost a zero chance of conceiving, but what if??  Ugh! I hate this and I hate EVERYTHING about this!!!  So I went to the pharmacy and picked up the birth control, then boohoo'd all the way back home.  I haven't started them yet as I will on the Sunday after my next period.  Right now is my O time and even though there's a HUGE chance we won't conceive on our own we're giving it one heck of a last shot.  My bleeding has become god awful again.  Last month I bled so much I was weak, shaky and dizzy for 2 days straight.  My period are so irregular.  My "normal" cycles are around 31 days, but they've went from (for example) 27 days, 26 days, 31 days, 29 days, 30 days,  then 35 days, 27 days, etc etc.  I even had a 42 in there.  Crazy!!  I'm under so much stress and I know that doesn't help matters.  It makes my interstitial cystitis flare and of course it doesn't help with conceiving. :S   I can't help it.  We've been through so much since last September and it hasn't stopped.   So I'm sad about the birth control.  I want to take it, but I don't.  So confusing.  Wished things were easier.   Blah, story of my life.