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Dads Biopsy showed cancer.

May 26, 2015 - 21 comments

Just got the call from mom.  One out of his twelve samples showed cancer.  His cancer score is a 6 (I read this is the lowest number on scoring??) Thank GOD!  I didn't want it to show anything at all but if it was going to show something I was praying it wasn't the worst.  His options were to wait and watch, come back every 4 months to recheck or have something done now and I'm thankful he chose to do something now.  Why would anyone want to wait?? He has to see a radiologists on June 2nd because one of his options were chemo seeds? implanted in his prostate.  I've read good things about this but the only down side is if in the future if something comes back he won't have the option to remove the prostate.

If anyone knows anything about this at all I'd appreciate some feed back.  His results were...
Right Mid-Prostatic adenocarcinoma, Gleason score 3+3=6. 1.5MM; 8% of tissue, PIN4 and CK-903 performed.

A horrible year in a nutshell.

May 13, 2015 - 6 comments

This has been the longest and worst year of my existence I believe.  We've had so many things happen, so many losses and I don't understand how I have yet to break.

In March of 2014 we had to say goodbye to our furbaby of 13 years.  The diagnosis was out of my control, we tried to treat him the best we could, keep him comfortable until it was time.  I've said it many of times, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do..EVER and I still cry to this day for my sweet boy.
Fast forward a couple of months and we found out Brian's sister n law had pancreatic cancer and by September we lost her.  Brian's brother passed away 3 years earlier and together they left behind 2 sons.  

On October 14th, I got the worst call of my life.  My brothers girlfriend committed suicide.  A death I pray I never and no on ever has to go through.  No control, no saying goodbye, no we love you, no I'm sorry, no saying anything and it's to late.  I still cry to this day for Hannah.  I never want to receive a phone call like that ever again.   (I can't talk much about this or my sweet boy because this huge lump comes up in my throat.. I can't breathe and I can't see for crying.  I don't know how I'll ever get over/past these 2 tragic things).  On that same day we got the tragic news that Brian's other brother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  

In that same month of October we lost another family member(kinda). My cousins husband passed away with cancer.  My cousin passed away 5 years earlier and together they left behind 3 YOUNG kids.  Oldest is 17, middle is 15 and youngest is 13.  

Then there's January of 2015.  My brothers garage burnt.  Thank god he was home as he had a pen attached to it with 5 puppies inside. He couldn't get them out through the door so he had to jerk the fence up from the ground so they could crawl out from under.  Two of them were okay, 1 was a little burnt and the 2 others were very burnt.  The thing about dogs and burns is you don't know how bad it is until the next day.  It took me 3 months to nurse these little guys back to health.  So many vet visits, so many antibiotics and caring.  I was going to keep the 2 really burnt ones myself.  I can't stand the thought of no one wanting to give them a home because of their scarring.  The 2 that were okay found loving homes and long story short, I wound up with 3 of them. lol.  I wouldn't change it for anything but there was so much worry during these 3 months of " will they make it?".  So much stress.. but thank God they did.  They are now 45 lb puppies lol.  Their about 7 months old now.  

Then about in April my dad had to go for a physical for his CDL license and during his exam they told him his PSA numbers were elevated.  He was referred to a urologists and they went up from 4.2 to 4.6 between visits.  SO as of today we're waiting on results for his biopsy to rule out cancer.  I just don't know what I'll do if it comes back bad.  I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.  Will THAT be my breaking point?  I have prayed so much that his rise in number will be because of his reoccurring kidney stones or something like that.  Inflammation or anything other than cancer.   We're also waiting on MRI results on my moms brain because she's having so many dizzy spells.

Last month, in April Brian's brother finally lost his battle with lung cancer.  He grew to weak, he couldn't eat and therefore they couldn't continue treatment.  It was fast spreading and they couldn't get it under control.  It went from his lungs, to his adrenal glands, to his brain, then his colon and stomach.  I think in his heart he knew there was no hope and in turn, he decided to just let go.  We said goodbye on  April 26th.

This past weekend my sister told me she's going to start trying to get pregnant.  I'm SO happy for her and yet I feel so sad.  I love my sister so much. She's actually like the baby I never had.  Mom had her when I was 14 years old so I guess in a sense, she was the baby I might not ever have of my own.  Anyways, I pray this happens naturally for her.  I pray she doesn't have to experience the heartache of it not happening, nor miscarriage or anything like that.  I'd hate for her to have to go through something like that and it'd just kill me even more.

So there's my year so far in a nutshell.  One that I hope and pray I can get past. I'll never forget my sweet Boogie, nor losing Hannah in such a horrific manner but I hope to be able to deal with it better.  I pray for the results of my dads Biopsy and my moms MRI.  I'm so ready for all the bad to be in the past and something good to start happening.  

This sweet girl right here helps me get through the days.

Unmoving Black Cloud

Apr 10, 2015 - 12 comments

I honestly don't know where to start.  I know I've said it before in a journal awhile back but I still cannot get over Hannah. It'll be 6 months on the 14th of this month.  I cry so much for my Boogie.  My heart feels so broken with such bad news, every time I turn around it's something else.  We found out yesterday that Brian's brother (who was diagnosed in Oct. 2014 with stage 4 lung cancer) now has cancer in his stomach and colon.  It's spreading and he's to weak to continue chemo.  He hasn't ate anything in a week and a half and they have him on nutrition bags.  I told Brian it's all up to him now.  I just don't see him coming back from this. :(  

My dad had to have his yearly checkup for his CDL license and that's when they found that he had elevated PSA levels.  Sent to the urologists and they did repeat blood work and his levels were okay, back to the urologists later for X-rays (since he has so many kidney stones all the time) and his levels went from 4.2 to 4.6.  The Dr. said it could be from infection and they could put him on antibiotics for a month and recheck but with it going up like that in a months time they want to go straight for biopsy.  He takes an aspirin a day and they want him off the aspirin for 2 weeks before they do the biopsy.  I am so stressed it's not even funny.  My daddy is a very hard working man.  He's hardworking, strong and stubborn.  I pray with everything in me it's something like infection or I've even read about prostatitis.  I can't quit dwelling on this.  Everything bad ALWAYS happens, how can I find the positive in this??  I cannot deal with that kind of news right now.  SO much going on and everything is spinning out of control.  :(

Anyone know anything about prostrate cancer?

And today I read a stupid thing that gives you a predicted percentage of if IVF will work for you.  Here are my results. Information Summary Woman's age: 36
Trying for: 8 + years
Own or donor eggs? Own eggs
Cause: Low sperm count
IVF attempts: First
Unsuccessful IVF attempts: Zero Pregnancy
history: Please Choose No IVF, no pregnancy
Medication: Gonadotrophin
Will ICSI be used? Yes

Your chance of a live birth per IVF attempt is: 27.5%

It's so disheartening.  1.) I cannot afford to do this twice.  I don't even know if I can afford it 1 time. 2.) Talk about a low percentage!!  I can't believe it didn't give me the option of donor sperm.  I know it's just probably a silly online predictor but still.  

An Outcast?

Mar 26, 2015 - 8 comments

Lately, well for the past couple of years I've been feeling like the "infertile outcast" with my dads side of the family.  I'm super close to this side of the family, we all live fairly close to each other and spend a lot of holidays together etc.  The girls on this side of the family, my cousins are all "fertile myrtle's" and as of this June we'll have 7 babies (yes I say babies) all under the age of 4.  It took me awhile to choke that feeling down.  Anyways, the "mother's" all get together once a week to do a dinner.  They'll try new recipe's and so forth.  I see everyone pull up at my cousin's house and it really hurts my feelings.  Am I not included because I don't have kids???   I know I'm not included to movies and park dates because I don't have kids, but for a recipe date as well?   I don't want to bring this up to them or I'm afraid to.  I don't want to bring attention to myself and especially for the obvious of not having kids of my own.  I just don't know how to handle it. Should I just leave it alone?  I don't want them going " aww no, we'd never do that on purpose" and then be invited because I questioned the whole situation.  UGH!!!!!  I hate everything about infertility.