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Ugh, that's all..just UGH!!  

Sep 18, 2015 - 9 comments

I get to see **** like this on my FB page from my fertile cousins.  I'm SO sick of it.  

Jennifer says.. Going shopping at multiple stores at the summit with a hyper 2 year old and a teething 7 month old wore me out. I had to get the double stroller out 4 different times and load and unload them. Sad thing is I didn't buy what I went out for and have to go back after the kids nap-time.

Felicia responds with...Ugghhhh, I hate that too. : the struggle is real.

I mean SERIOUSLY???  THAT'S a struggle???  I want to slap both of them.  UGH!!
Then I get to see constant twin baby pictures from my other cousin.  Like we don't know what they look like or their names are.  It's everyday, several times a day.  I think if they farted she'd take a picture of it.  I'm sorry for sounding so ill...I love my family, it's not about that...but they have NO idea.  
My sister is 18 weeks pregnant now with a little boy.  I'm SO excited to be an aunt.  I do however get bummed when I see things like her  "BabyBelly Book", seeing her grow and her little baby bump.  I dunno, just a bad place right now with everything.  :(

So life obviously hasn't been dandy for me.  Right now I'm having GOD awful problems with my bladder disease.  My urologists also did several tests and also diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction.  I can thank all of that rock shoveling and hard labor work from working with my dad for that.  SO he started me doing pelvic biofeedback therapy.  I went 1 day a week and was supposed to do it for 8 weeks BUT I started hurting really bad all the time.  My normal daily pain is at least a 3-4, everyday.  I've become numb to it but after I started this therapy, after my 2nd visit I started hurting more and longer.  Over the weekend I had to talk myself out of going to the ER because it literally felt like my bladder wanted to rupture.  Thank god he wrote me out something for pain way back when so I took a half of that and it eased it up enough.  Well I had my 3rd session yesterday and here I am again, in god awful pain.  The days went from 3-4 to easily a 6-7.  SO after I told him I am hurting worse he wants to stop that and do DMSO treatments for my bladder.  It's a bladder flush of medicine.  They put it in with a catheter of course and I have to hold it for at least 15 minutes before I pee it out.  I've read about these treatments and have read they are awful.  They're very painful and the meds make you smell like garlic.  You literally smell like garlic.  :S  I'm on an IC site on facebook and everyone was warning me against them.  One lady even said it should be illegal.  SO the meds burn and I have to sit there for at least 15 minutes in pain from the burning before I can pee it out.  I have no idea what to do anymore.  I'm so lost with this.  I thought nothing could compare to the hopelessness feeling of infertility, but I feel the same with this. I feel there's NOTHING that's going to help.  I'm 36 and hurt so bad and I think how the hell am I going to deal with this for the rest of my life?  There's no cure.  It's hopeless.  After the therapy sessions that were supposed to help I sit here and feel so much pain and pressure in my pelvic area.  I stand up and feel like everything down there wants to fall out.  So much heavy pressure and then pain.  I sit down and I feel the pressure being shoved up in my stomach and the pain.  I hate it!!!!

Losing Gabe. :(

Jun 25, 2015 - 27 comments

Thank you all so much for your notes and prayers.  It's been a very very tough couple of days.  Starting with Saturday Gabe stopped eating.  He had lost a lot of weight and his poor little lymph nodes were all swollen.   Over the past 2 weeks he's been "picky" about what he's wanted and what he'll eat.  He stopped eating any kind of dog food (canned or not) so I would feed him whatever he'd eat.  It went from bologna being his favorite ( I told my mom I didn't care if I had to buy several packs a week, as long as he'd eat) to scrambled eggs to just dog treats to nothing.  So Saturday he had NO appetite at all.  I began to worry, I knew we were on a decline from here on out.  I prayed he'd want something, anything but he wanted nothing.  He was still drinking, going out to potty and so forth.  Tuesday came around and still no appetite.  He wanted outside and was kind of in a hurry about it so I opened the door and he made his way off the porch and out in the yard.  He had to throw up and it was of course only water becasue that's all he had in him.  I noticed he started getting diarrhea and  I read up the later stages of lymphoma awhile back when he was diagnosed and these were the later stages.  On Wednesday he wanted nothing at all.  No water, nothing.  He only went to pee once  all day and that was that morning.  I let him out and walked with him around in the yard.  He squatted to pee (to weak to do anything like hike his leg) and I noticed it was pinkish.  I knew his kidneys were shutting down.  Our vet closed at lunch on Wednesday and I was praying he'd make it to this morning.  As the day went on Wednesday he was taken a turn for the worse rather quickly.  He started breathing weird.  He was restless and I knew that could be from pain.  I noticed his head would tremble a little.  I was deathly afraid of seizures and there's no way I would let him get that bad off.  Around 11 pm he was in distress.  He couldn't breathe hardly at all.  He was making this weird noise and I knew it was a struggle for him to breathe.  I called the vet and made arrangements to meet him there within 10-15 min.  I didn't think it'd happen that fast and figured we'd be there today but I knew Gabe wouldn't make it until this morning.  So at 11:30pm we pulled up at the Vets office to help his beautiful little self to the Rainbow Bridge.  I felt SO bad for him laying there desperately trying to breathe.  The Vet said Gabe barely had any blood and it takes blood to move oxygen to the body.  His body couldn't make "new blood" because of the cancer and how aggressive it was.  I'm thankful he's no longer suffering.  That's THE hardest decision to ever make.  He's lived IN my house for over a month now with me taking care of him every single day. My life revolved around keeping him comfortable, fed, giving him his meds daily and most of all loved.  It's going to take some time getting used to that all being gone.  I know it'll get easier but it's just so hard.  He's running around with my sweet Boogie as we speak and that gives me comfort.  He's able to breathe, chase squirrels (that he loved to do) and he'll never have to worry about pain or struggling to breathe again.  I'm so thankful for that.  

RIP Sweet Boy!!  

Gonna be an Aunt!

Jun 16, 2015 - 34 comments

Don't get me wrong.  I'm SO thankful and happy it happened so easy for her.  I'm also thankful this wasn't an "accident".  I'm not sure how I'd feel about it if it was.   Awhile back she text and was talking to me about her and her BF were thinking about trying for a baby.  I was happy for her and prayed they didn't have the complications that we have or any complications at all for that matter.  I'm also thankful she gave me the heads up and didn't just spring it on me.  Did I think it would happen this fast?  No!  Was I prepared, No!  I love my sister to death and there's no doubt I'll spoil him or her to the ends of the earth but that doesn't make my heart hurt any less.  They came by and she showed me the pregnancy test and at first I wasn't for sure it was what I was seeing.  Then I busted out crying, couldn't talk or breathe.  Happy for them, jealous,  ashamed for feeling jealous, so many emotions.  My mom came with them and I could see the smile on her face, the tears of joy in her eyes.  Not from my surprise, from my sisters.  I thank GOD, I truly do for it happening so easily for her.  I'd never want anyone to go through the pain or the years of being unable to conceive. I hugged her up, told her I loved her and congratulations.  How do I keep from crying about this?  I'm sure in time it will get easier... good lord. I can't even type it for crying, much less talk about it. Also, Mom announced it on facebook and I know she's super excited but then I see the  "Who Danielle or David?"  I don't see my name in there anywhere because we ALL know I can't get pregnant. And then I get the pity messages.  "Des you're going to be the best aunt ever".  Again, I appreciate the support and everything but I feel so singled out and pitied.  Is the "you're going to be the best aunt ever" pity for, bummer it wasn't you?  I can't think right now.  I can't express how I feel without feeling angry at my sister and that's not it at all so I hope and pray this doesn't come across as that.  She's 21, she'll be 22 in July and her and her boyfriend have been together 6 years this month.  

AF you evil witch!

May 31, 2015 - 11 comments

So I took birth control for 2 months ( as per gyno recommendation) and I tried to tolerate it but it was causing chest pressure and sometimes pain (had this same side effect years ago)SO after the 2nd full pack was gone I stopped.  Stopping it as soon as the full pack was over allowed my body to have a period and I've taken nothing since then.  SO with all this wonderful stress going on I'M SURE, I'm 5 days late.  Lovely, just one more thing to add to my hopeless pile.  So evil!!!  I'm not even tempted to test and I'll probably never test unless I'm like 3 months down the road and still no period.  You ladies know how it is.  I just don't see the point. I don't need the test to tell me what I already know.  As depressing as it is.