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An Outcast?

Mar 26, 2015 - 8 comments

Lately, well for the past couple of years I've been feeling like the "infertile outcast" with my dads side of the family.  I'm super close to this side of the family, we all live fairly close to each other and spend a lot of holidays together etc.  The girls on this side of the family, my cousins are all "fertile myrtle's" and as of this June we'll have 7 babies (yes I say babies) all under the age of 4.  It took me awhile to choke that feeling down.  Anyways, the "mother's" all get together once a week to do a dinner.  They'll try new recipe's and so forth.  I see everyone pull up at my cousin's house and it really hurts my feelings.  Am I not included because I don't have kids???   I know I'm not included to movies and park dates because I don't have kids, but for a recipe date as well?   I don't want to bring this up to them or I'm afraid to.  I don't want to bring attention to myself and especially for the obvious of not having kids of my own.  I just don't know how to handle it. Should I just leave it alone?  I don't want them going " aww no, we'd never do that on purpose" and then be invited because I questioned the whole situation.  UGH!!!!!  I hate everything about infertility.  

Twin Help!!??!!

Mar 23, 2015 - 16 comments

So I posted awhile back on my status about my cousin finding out she's pregnant (a surprise at that, go figure) then we found out she was pregnant with twins ( a miracle in itself, super shocker) and now we found out they're identical twin boys.  So for all you twin moms, her shower is coming up in April and I want to get her something that she's REALLY gonna need.  I'm sure she's going to have outfits out the wazoo and I've been buying up things like wipes, diapers and things like that.  Is there something that she's REALLY gonna need that I'm not thinking about?  

Birth control or not?  

Feb 17, 2015 - 16 comments

I have no idea what I want to do.   I've hurt so bad for SO long and I literally emotionally and physically can't take it anymore.  I'm at my ropes end so to speak.  My bladder disease causes me constant pain, add in ovarian cysts every month, plus my pain is x10 when I start my period and I want to reach in there myself and rip it all out.  My gyno wants me to start on birth control and give my ovaries a "rest".   He said our chances of conceiving on our own are nearly impossible (and he's right) so we're not helping matters by trying month after month and me being in such pain.  I totally agree except my heart doesn't want to.  I know miracles can happen everyday and like he said, we have almost a zero chance of conceiving, but what if??  Ugh! I hate this and I hate EVERYTHING about this!!!  So I went to the pharmacy and picked up the birth control, then boohoo'd all the way back home.  I haven't started them yet as I will on the Sunday after my next period.  Right now is my O time and even though there's a HUGE chance we won't conceive on our own we're giving it one heck of a last shot.  My bleeding has become god awful again.  Last month I bled so much I was weak, shaky and dizzy for 2 days straight.  My period are so irregular.  My "normal" cycles are around 31 days, but they've went from (for example) 27 days, 26 days, 31 days, 29 days, 30 days,  then 35 days, 27 days, etc etc.  I even had a 42 in there.  Crazy!!  I'm under so much stress and I know that doesn't help matters.  It makes my interstitial cystitis flare and of course it doesn't help with conceiving. :S   I can't help it.  We've been through so much since last September and it hasn't stopped.   So I'm sad about the birth control.  I want to take it, but I don't.  So confusing.  Wished things were easier.   Blah, story of my life.  

Time to say Goodbye?

Jan 02, 2015 - 25 comments

I sit here and wonder if mine time has come to move along.  I check on you all often even though I may not leave a note or a message but you all are always on my mind.  I choose not to post because I have nothing good to post about and I don't want to be a constant Debbie downer.  Since Hannah (my brothers girlfriend) committed suicide things just haven't been the same. I cry so much for her.  I can't get out of my head "What was she thinking before she pulled the trigger? What was so bad that she couldn't come to us with it?"  I hate knowing she felt that's what she needed to do.
It's been one bad thing after another and I just don't see it ending.  We lost Brian's sister n law in Sept.  Hannah in Oct.  another ex family member same month and Brian's brother was diagnosed with cancer the same month.  Now not only does he have lung cancer and cancer spots on his adrenal glands he also has brain cancer. His cancer is spreading way to fast and they said with treatment he has maybe 6 months.  About a week ago I found out a distant cousin of mine (only 18 years old) was diagnosed with brain cancer again. He was first diagnosed at 15, had brain surgery, lots of chemo and radiation and was cancer free.  At his yearly MRI they found another spot on his brain and he had brain surgery yesterday to remove it.  The Dr. is confident he removed it all but we're waiting on the pathology results and from there they'll decide treatment.  He's having slurred speech and weakness in his right arm.  The Dr. hopes with the steroids and just over time in general he'll get those both back.Also, 2 of my friends from here being diagnosed with cancer. It's like it's "normal" now.  Like everyone knows someone who has it. So heartbreaking!!  

Like all of that isn't enough, Brian has been out on workman's comp since March of 2014 because of his back injury and then his surgery.  We were waiting on his final evaluation to return to his surgeon for his release to go back to work and find out what his limitations will be.  Long story short we got a call a week before Christmas from his case worker who said he was released to go back to work and the dr. signed off on it on NOV. the 18th!!!  It's a week before Christmas lady!!  Then she goes on to tell us he won't be receiving anymore checks and the ones he received from Nov.18th until the phone call will have to be paid back.  Talk about being in a tight spot, Christmas in a week, having to pay these back AND using our savings we had to make it until his workman's comp pay started.  So good news is he gets to go back to work, right?  WRONG!  His work is slow right now and his boss wants him to wait until after the 1st.  Lovely huh?  No check for going on 3 weeks now.  SO that's the super stressful part.

Now let me announce the pregnancy announcements in my family right now.  I wrote about it on my post but this is who it is..   Recently 1 of my cousins(Felicia) gave birth in Oct. 2014 to her 2nd child.  Got a wonderful husband, a 3 year old son already and is a wonderful mom.  My other cousin (Jennifer) is due this month with her 2nd child, a girl.  She's married, a wonderful mother and has a son that's 2.  A 2nd cousin (Nicole) who is only 17 surprised the family with her pregnancy by letting us know she was due in Dec. 2014 and she told us that November. And another cousin (Denise) who has a 4 year old daughter already, NOT married, lives with her mom and is dating a guy that has a daughter that's 3  announced she was pregnant about a month ago.  Well the other day she gets the family together to announce she's pregnant with TWINS.  Imagine that?  HOW Fu**#n lucky??  I'm sick of this.. sick of everything.  I don't cry in front of Brian but this literally breaks my heart into a million pieces.  So many babies in my face all at once and so many deaths.  

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel..I don't know anything anymore.  I sit around quiet, I guess just in a daze, trying to ignore all the "babies" and announcements.  I feel like I could cry for a month.. but only few tears come out.  

Anyways, I'm trying to decide what to do.  I need all the advice and support I can get but at the same time, I don't want to bother anyone with my never ending (here lately) problems.  I feel like I'll NEVER have the child I want..ever.  I'll be 36 on the 14th of January.. and all I think about that is UGH!!  

I just don't know anymore.