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Anger, Hurt and Fear!!

Jun 26, 2014 - 13 comments

These are the emotions I have daily..everyday.

I have missed this place and you ladies so much.  So much going on in my life and it's nothing good (what's new :S).  

On March 3rd Brian hurt his back at work.  He thought it was just a pulled muscle since his job is strenuous and he gets them fairly often so he tried to tough it out, be on light duty at work but the pain never got better.  It was actually getting worse and he had numbness and sharp pains down his leg at times.  Long story short they did and MRI and he had a herniated disc on his L4-5 if I remember right.  This was all workman's comp so he had surgery about a month later and now he's been going to physical therapy.   My mom who has the worst back of anyone I know (she has scoliosis, Degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis) was getting the shots in her back and they wasn't working.  Her Dr. did some kind of surgery where they cleared out a lot of arthritis on his L2-3 and 4.  She's feeling better thank goodness.  She's also in physical therapy.  

It's been so hectic dealing with all of this.  We lost Boogie right after Brian started hurting and that pain hasn't left me yet. I still cry, alone in the shower missing him.  We lost Sadie, our first baby girl to Cushing's Disease about 5 years ago..  She passed at home thankfully and was in no pain.  Boogie was hurting very bad the day I called the vet out to put him to sleep.  I think this decision haunts me to this day.  What if he was just having a bad day and I reacted to fast?   I hate everything about it.   I do know that his pain wasn't something to be taken easily though.  He would be walking, wince and yell out in pain and it'd be so bad he would stumble from it.  I could not let my sweet boy live in that pain another day.  I know in my heart he was getting worse.  The tumor from his Vestibular Disease was causing paralysis on one side of his face so this big ogre dog who LOVED food was now just licking it as he couldn't even hardly bite it.  It still makes me cry just to type it out, to think and talk about it.   How long does it take to get over such a thing?  I don't want over him, I want over the decision I made.   He was beautiful..so sweet and loving, so protective.  He was at my feet 24/7.  He was at my side of the bed at night...I moved and he moved.  I still have this hurt/ache in my heart missing him so much.

The last update I posted on my status was one of my younger cousins was pregnant yet again.  NOW there's another one also so that's 2 YOUNGER cousins in a months time that's announced their 2nd pregnancy.  I'm sick of it.  It pisses me off that they "get pregnant at the same time" on purpose. UGH!!  They are both wonderful mothers.. and I am happy for them, I'd never want anyone to go through infertility but I guess I'm just so angry at the fact.   We haven't been able to get in to the dr.'s yet because of Brian's issues.  It's always something kicking us down.   I feel like there's been a dark cloud over my house for years now and there's a very little part of me (because that's all I have left) who waits and prays for sunshine and better days.  

I thought being away from here for a little bit would help, but it's in my face everywhere I turn.  Everyone gets pregnant but me.   Please don't take that the wrong way.  I'm so happy that my friends from here are able to conceive, I know we've all had a rough and long road... your pregnancies are well deserved..  I just always feel like the last one and now I'm wondering IF I would ever get pregnant to even be considered "the last one".  

Brian has been home since March 19th and I've held all of this in.  I didn't want to bother him with my feelings as he was dealing with his own issues.  We've had to go to B'ham (4 hrs away there and back) so many times I could do it with my eyes closed, because that's where his Dr. is...the Neurosurgeon that did his surgery.  Everything just has me so stressed out.  

Anyways,  Congratulations to you all who have had your beautiful babies and to those that have finally received their BFP.  


A picture of JEWEL!!!  :)

Mar 14, 2014 - 26 comments

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I was so honored that Ellen shared her beautiful little miracle with me.  She's so precious.  Here she is!!  Welcome to the world Jewel!! :)  

Congratulations Ellen and DH!!  

Confused, weird?

Dec 31, 2013 - 7 comments

So DH and I have just been kinda winging it.  I use an app on my phone and I'll keep up with AF that way.  So these past 2 months O time has been about 2-3 days earlier than usual.  I apologize in advance for the TMI.

This month in particular I had a very little red blood in my cm around O time.  It was 2 days before my app said I would ovulate.  I don't 100% go by the app but I do know it's around that day, maybe a day or 2 earlier.  Anyways, so the stringy blood (only when I wiped) in my fertile cm and 2 days later when I wiped there was really really dark reddish/brown blood on the toilet paper.  Since then when I wipe it's like a brown gooey spot.  It's not messing up my panties or anything like that but it went from that dark red/brown blobish spot to little brown gooey blobs.  So hard to explain I know and I'm sorry but that's the best way I can describe it. lol.  I've been crampy and achy in my lower stomach, uterus/ovary area and hurting in my lower back.  The only bad part about all of this cramping/aching is I usually hurt around O time regardless. I have never had the brownish blobs though.  I know it's older blood but I'm concerned as I heard old blood is not good to have.  It's only when I wipe though.  

Has anyone experienced this?  Got any ideas?  Anything?  

Round 2 of Repeat SA

Nov 22, 2013 - 30 comments

So after waiting forever with the lab, mix up on results (she told me LAST results for this results) then got a call back saying Lab hasn't faxed over results yet.  It was nearing 2 so I called back and left another message saying I wanted to know BEFORE the closed because of last time..she called back and lab still had no faxed over results but the lady at the lab confirmed on the phone.. NO SPERM.  I don't know what to think.  The only difference is his old SA (when we actually HAD sperm) showed his PH level to be 8.3 and that labs normal is 7.2-10.0   THIS labs normal is 7.2-8.5 and Brian's ph is 9.0   I looked up PH level and low is worse than high?  I couldn't find much on the subject so if anyone can give me some insight I'd greatly appreciate it.  I'm so pissed about everything.  ALL of it.  the lab, the urologists..I'm angry that we HAD sperm before but none now..I'm ANGRY that I had hopes of IVF with ICSI but is that even an option now??  I'm just so angry!!  and upset!!! :(  

Did HE cause Brian to lose what little bit of sperm we did have??    

This IS never ending. :(