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Tremors

Jun 12, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

tremor

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intention tremor

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wellbutrin xl



I don't know if it's just because I'm exercising my muscles, and building them up, or what, but I feel as if I have developed a slight tremor.  It's not a constant or consistent one, so I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see.

Sabotage

Jun 09, 2010 - 1 comments
Tags:

ativan

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adderall

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wellbutrin

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resotril

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Abilify

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TIRED

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sabotage



Apparently I self-sabotage any progress I feel I am making -- at least that is what my therapist is telling me.  I don't disagree... it makes sense with all of what she said about that topic.  However, I am still unsure how to go about stopping the viscous cycle.

I am now taking a handful of pills in the morning and afternoon, and a smaller one in the evening.  It becomes tiring... and not taking my meds makes me more tired.  I know I can't continue like this... but I am slowly slipping.  Slipping back into that helpless state.  A state I no longer want to visit; however, it seems that taking my medication consistently is still a chore, when at first it was not... because I was seeing results... progress.

To add to my collection of medication of Adderall, Abilify, Ativan and Resotril, is now Wellbutrin.  As of right now, when I was taking my medication consistently, everyday, I did feel as if it made a difference -- a positive improvement of who I am... can be.  This is one reason why I believe it is so hard for others to understand the trials that Bipolars go through.

Sorry to all who I have neglected on here.  A lot has been going on... a lot of changes, and more to come...

Motivation On This Rare Night... No, Just Insomnia

Apr 04, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

Insomnia

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medication

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Life

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brain

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depressed

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OFF

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ODD

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peculiar

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Speech

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psychiatrist

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therapist

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ramble

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Amazon Kindle for Macs



Dear Journal,

How cliche am I?  Gosh, I hate myself sometimes.  Okay, most of the time.  Fine. All. The. Time.

I see my Psychiatrist in nine days now.  For the past four weeks I've been communicating with him via telephone (insert Gaga lyrics -- plays song immediately).  I feel like a tape, wait, no... is DVR recorder appropriate?  That seems to be the most up-to-date thing.  See how my brain is working right now.  It just jumps from one thing to the next.  This is the unedited, well, maybe, /slightly/ (ever so) edited version of my brain.  My fingers /are/ slower than my brain, no matter how fast I can type (or can't?).

I am depressed.  I feel uncaring towards life, myself, and maybe even others.  That statement is true a majority of the time when I am driving.  I drive recklessly; I speed; I know I don't hold any concern for my safety (I do wear a seat belt though) and when I pondered it for a millisecond, realized, I really didn't care about the safety of fellow drivers who I might clash with, in the end, to end all life.  That is not to say I go driving looking to die, or kill others.  It's a statement saying when I do have to drive somewhere, my concern for life is not there.  My concern for a speeding ticket is?  Makes sense, right?  No?  Oh?  My bad.  However, I suppose that is a good thing though, because it does keep me a little in check, and the thought of my employer having to find out about points on my license could end up in me losing my job.  So I at least have concern for the future me, so that must mean there is some semblance of "care" inside... inside this rotting corpse... inside this infested mind... this rotting, infested... infected... infiltrated dream... of fields, fields filled with lies... dashed hopes.

My therapist gave up on me.  I was crushed.  Now, I am just angry.  She wouldn't say she has given up on me; however, that is her point-of-view.  This, is my journal, and my POV.  Does her view even matter anyway?  Not really.  It's all how things are perceived, not how it was meant to be perceived.  That is how this world is *ucked up.  So... brown... so brown.  No one cares or takes the time... lie... it just doesn't seem like anyone takes the time to consider the other person's interpretation.

Is it my medications?  Or perhaps just me, messed up, messed up me... Either way my words are becoming more easily jumbled.  Mixed; confused; muddled; flummoxed; *ucked up.  I sound unintelligent.  This bothers me.  I certainly do not possess any magnificent aptitude; however I am no blunt rock.

If you managed to read all of this -- congratulations.  Gosh, how many times I have I actually seen 'congratulations' spelled "congradulations".  IRK.  IRK.

Now, did you know that Amazon came out with a Kindle application for Macs now?  Great way to (not) tame my "manic" spending side of me... and books... a plethora of books.  Mmm.  Probably will buy a book now, because in my mind it should make me happy... and feel better.  Better than this rut.  This rut filled with empty tears of blue.  Deep blue, blue, blue.  Darker blue.  Void.

Day 2 With Ativan (Lorazepam) -- CONCERED

Mar 20, 2010 - 0 comments
Tags:

ativan

,

lorazepam

,

Insomnia

,

Extreme Drowsiness

,

Abupt Falling Asleep



I started Thursday (3/18), taking my 1 mg of Ativan.  My doctor did say I can cut my pill in half if it makes me too drowsy; however, i don't know if it is?  First off, this entire week I've been having trouble sleeping, and last week I worked close to 80 hours, drastically cutting down on my sleep time as well.  Thursday morning I felt fine (an on and off drowsy/awake period), but continued to feel more awake as the day went on (probably helped that I take Adderall through the day too).  I then again took 1 mg at 2 PM, and did not feel the least bit drowsy.  Today (Friday), I took my pill at 7 AM again, and good things did not ensue.

I assure everyone that I do read all the labels and the drug information papers that come with your prescription.  I figured since I was okay the first day, the second day would be the same.  I was very wrong.  In fact I think I've started hallucinating, but I am not 100% sure.  My entire drive consisted me in a daze, where I believed I was driving, but it was a dream; I wouldn't realize that it was a dream until some bizarre thing would show up, cluing me that I'm dreaming.  I'm not sure how to better explain it, it's even weird for me.  Upon seeing the bizarre thing, I would wake, and the cycle would continue.

THEN when I got to my job, I arrived about 10 minutes earlier than when I normally go in, so I did what I normally do -- sit back and listen to the radio.  I don't think I was parked for less than 30 seconds and I was out like a light.  I didn't wake up until it was almost 9:30 AM.  A good two and a half hour nap, but I was still extremely groggy.  I didn't even bother going into work late, or calling.  All I knew was that I needed to get home, but when I did, I was completely awake!  I am still awake, and it is almost 2 AM here.  My mind doesn't feel like it needs to sleep, but I am sure my body does.

Tomorrow morning (Saturday), I've decided to try just 1 mg again to see if it really is the medication, or if I might have been that tired???  I have a sneaky suspicion that it's probably the med.  But I need to know for sure that it is.  If that is the case then I will drop down to 0.5 mg to see what happens.