ok the meds are kicking in a little and my hubby says he can tell a difference whatever that means he never tells me details. I guess it means I am nicer. I have strange little headaches come and go but i can deal with that, blurry eyes too. I don't feel right, like theres something missing or not all put together with me I can't put my finger on it. Its a strange feeling of just a little tweak here or there with me or my brain and I would be in synic with the world. Oh well, my son turns 19 yrs old next week-end and my daughter is having a baby in 5 weeks! We have a baby shower for aug 1rst. set up and I am afraid of people and parties but we are having one at my house!  And then there's the bankruptcy hearing sometime around the birth of the baby. Yet I am just going to let the cards fall where they may...I can't control it now. I just want Austin to have a nice B-day because he is moving out in Dec. to go to school in Waco. God, that is hard to say out loud, he is moving away from me. I can remember him in his shorts and cowboy hat at age 3 off to save the world! Now he's 19 and off the met the world!  funny.....boy meets world.....new baby meets world all about the same time. Isn't God nice?!

The dr. got me on xanax and prozac and it has been a few days for me to get used to the little side effects. Like I see strange things out the cornor of my eyes, like when you turn your head and you think you saw a shadow or asomething dart across the line of view. thats trippy. Then my motor skills are weirded out. Short term memory is gone again. A few headaches and eatting comes and goes but I could stand to lose weight so thats a good thing. On top of all that BS
we are now filing bankruptcy...the sky is falling the sky is falling i tell ya!  LOL  we live in Texas so we don't lose the home or the cars or the stuff, well hubby may lose his huge TV but other than that we should be ok. Oh and did I mention my face is swollen from the meds? One day its a little puffy and the next my eyes look terrible and my face looks like it wants to fall off its self!  gotta keep the humor...thats still mine for now.

In the middle of my stressful life my 19 yr old son tole me to causally that he would be living on campus come dec. I acted like it was cool but went to my room and sobbed like a baby. He's my last child. My only son. I lost a daughter in 02' and was astranged from my oldest till just a few years ago. Their father took my girls when they were 13yrs old and they never came back. the courts said they could make up their own close no I did not see or her from them as my ex moved them from state to state as soon as I found them. when Lori passed away in 02' Kerri and I came together and are very close now but she has a mind of her own and doesn't stay in one place long. So to hear I will be losing my Austin in a few short months is the hardest thing I will ever have to face. I suffer depression and anxiety so its going to tough. I knew the day was coming but my heart aches so much already. I know I have to let go but he's my baby. The one that stayed by my side when I was sick and the one who liked hanging out with me on occasions. I feel so lost and sick inside. I know I am being a baby and I will suck it up and deal with it when the time comes. at least I have now.

i went to the local park that was having  fun and games for all t celebrate the fouth. we walked around and saw the booths and the food and even had funnel cake. The prozac had kicked in some but I still felt moody. and then we pass by the pound where the ducks are that my daughter wanted to see and feed. As we walk up and look down on the ducks we see some male ducks chasing away and bay duck, harrassing it everywhere it went. and off to one side there is a Momma duck being held under the water by two larger make ducks. not mounting her but grabbing her head and neck and holding her under water drowning her to death! she would fight and fight to come up for air but every time some duck took her under again. Her baby duck had been pushed so far away from her that they would never meet up again. I threw my water bottle at them but it didn't faze then a bit. a man walked up and saw what was happening and all he said was it looks like their trying to kill that duck. I couldn't get down to her for i was up on a brigde with a 8 month pregnant daughter. I could have tried to crawl down the steep hill to get to then but had something happened to me my daughter would have had gone for help and we were in the middle of a park with children around. I felt sick.abandoned,beat up,lost and wanting to run away. I wanted to help her and take her away. I had no help around me. It has been five hours and I feel even worse now. so many ways i could relate to that momma duck and that baby duck being lead astray never to be whole again to always have to fit for her self. no one to love her. And the Mom who tried so hard to do the right thing yet she she got beaten up , used, and then killed. for not. what a 4th.