Well I'm 8 days clean from a vic/perc relapse - I had 30 days at the end of July and got a few for severe pain.  Used them for a couple days, pain got better and on I went.  Yeah, I got a little cocky: ok, I can use a few every once in awhile when the pain's really bad - and maybe I could have.  As long as I don't have free access to them.  Anyway I'm starting over, and doing it the only way I know to do for me - C/T off of 110-125mg. a day, w/d's were much easier this time, don't know why, feel like I deserve to have a much worse time.  12 steps are not for me and neither is therapy.  For those who find comfort there, I'm happy for you, but it won't work for me.  I'll isolate until I feel like joining the real world again (and after 6-7 days, I've been out a little.)   But don't think I'll be posting much to the forum - lot of judgement there in a supposedly non-judgemental environment.  But the truth of the matter is I have chronic serious medical issues and there's almost 100% chance that I'll need surgeries in the future.  I'm trying to suck up the everyday pain (and I'm past the w/d rebound pain, this is the original pain that got me started.)  But for the big ones, I don't see anyway past using a narcotic pain reliever.  And I guess some would say 'that's your mind trying to trick you into using....'  Yeah, right.  I want major life-threatening surgery and yet one more stint in ICU, just so I can get a pill.  Also, everyone talks about how 'great' it feels to finally get back to normal.  Well when 'normal' *****, I just can't seem to look forward to it.  But anyway, it's my problem, I got myself in and I'll get myself out which is how I roll.  I like doing the tracker so plan to use that.  And we'll see what happens.


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Pain got me back to pills, addiction got me back to overtaking just because they're there.  I'll be back when I'm ready - was clean for 31 days so I know it is possible...guess I got cocky, thought I was "cured"...what a laugh.  If we learn from our mistakes I must be one of the smartest people in the world by now....I know I will get there...when I'm really ready.

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Severe back pain started Friday 7/31 - tried everything, heat, ice, DLPA, ibuprofen, naproxen..Searched and searched myself to see if this was a mind "trick" to get me to use...maybe, but if so it was a good one.  2 types of pain that will totally incapcitate me are back pain and tooth pain.  So Saturday made the concious decision to get something for the pain.  I had actually just last week canceled my "pill dr." appt. for today (8/3) without rescheduling (and don't plan to.)  Guess I could have gotten a refill from her for 3 bucks with insurance, but frankly I did not want or need a bottle of 100 Lortabs.  So I made the concious decision to procure from one of my connections.  I had 2 choices - one has percs and one has Lortabs/Vic ES.  I decided to go with the percs because the Vic's were always my DOC; percs were a back up (never 'enjoyed' them as much and even tho they are supposed to be stronger, I never found them as effective for pain.)  But, I was afraid if I went for the ES's, I'd be more likely to begin using again for the high.  So I got 10 perc 5's and took 1 or 2 every few hours Saturday and Sunday.  Helped the pain so much....otherwise didn't feel so great at all - felt dopey and sleepy & out of it, not at all like the energetic euphoria I had started abusing opiates for.  So I'm feeling ambivalent today - kind of upset that I screwed up, but encouraged that I was able to do something and it was completely about pain relief.  I have no w/d symptoms or lingering cravings today, thank God.  Still some pain, but it has improved and is bearable now.  Just hate to see my tracker go back to 0.  Oh well, overall, I feel lucky in the bigger scheme of things, so back to business now...

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