Our lodger just told us that hes moving out because of whats happened. Kind of sad that hes leaving but I kind of pity him because he is best friends with one of the people bullying me and hes completely controlled by him. I'm proud of him though because he apologised for bitching about me and was man enough to listen and understand how much what they have been saying has been affecting me.

I just wish he would grow some metaphorical male organs and stand up to the other guy. Ah well. You can't win them all. I feel a little better knowing that he understands and can see why but I'm glad hes leaving as my dad kept asking me if I wanted him to come round and throw his stuff, along with him, out on the street and I know that wouldn't have ended well.

I've completely cut the other scumbags out of my life but I'm more than happy to remain friends with my lodger (who is also one of my best friends) because he had the guts to do what he did tonight. Shame his girlfriend is still one of the scumbags who hasn't got the guts to apologise so I won't get to see him that much but at least I'll know that he still gives a damn and doesn't believe what the others are saying.

Its 3:30am and I've just been for a bath to try and help me relax so I have a chance at sleeping before Ben gets up to go to work.
I lay there for a while just taking in everything that had happened today and having a good cry as it seems to help if I do. I let my head slide into the water and before I knew it I'd completely submerged myself. I wasn't scared, I didn't push myself back up. I just lay there. Letting the air flow freely out of my mouth and nose. At that moment i thought 'this could be so easy. Just lie here until its over. No more problems. No more supposed friends destroying what little self esteem and self confidence I have left. No more hurt. No more pain. No more suffering' I could feel myself starting to struggle for air and still I did nothing. Absolutely nothing. I held myself there. I shut my eyes and I was ready to give in and let myself drown in my bathtub. My mind went blank. I relaxed. For the first time in months I relaxed. Then my partner Ben's face seemed to bore itself into the inside of my eyelids. I pretty much threw myself out of the water. Coughing and spluttering. Bathroom soaked. I sat there in the water I'd just considered killing myself in and cried. I cried my eyes out. I cried until I couldn't physically cry anymore.
I sat there in total shock. Petrified of what I'd nearly let myself do. I daredn't tell Ben as I know he will go and find the people that have upset me today and tell them so they can understand exactly how much of an impact what they've been saying to me all day has had and they'll just say I'm after attention and find more reason to bully me and insult me and make me feel like scum even though I've done nothing wrong.

I've never been so scared in my whole life. I was less afraid when the doctors told me I might have cancer. I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. To let myself give in so readily. To let them have such an effect on me. To let them make me even consider taking my own life. I feel weak, vulnerable and unbelievably lonely.

I don't know what to do :( I've just been verbally destroyed by two people who said they were my friends. I also have a third friend accusing me of ignoring them even though I wasn't. I feel like I'm being bullied by people I thought I could trust. Its tearing me apart and I feel like everyone thinks they can have a say in how I live my life. The worst part is they won't say it to my face. Only over the internet and phone. They won't come and discuss their problems in an adult manner because they know if they saw how upset I was by their accusations they'd realise they were wrong and they wouldn't be able to handle it.

I just want to live my life and deal with my depression without having people ganging up on me and putting me back to square one. Is that too much to ask!?!

I've just been asked to get out of bed and sit in the chair on the other side of the room by my partner as I'm keeping him awake and he has work in the morning. Hes so exhausted but I'm so desperate to be close to him whenever I can and him asking me to get out of bed has really upset me and made me feel like he doesn't want me around him which I know isn't true. I feel like my depression has taken over my life. Its caused me insomnia and is putting a huge strain on my relationship with my fiance. It seems like everything is one long up hill struggle and I just need someone or something to cut me a break. I shouldn't have to be dealing with this at 19 years old :(